My birthday, my cousin, my windows
Birthday's for most are these joyous almost movie like days that create joy (sometimes false) and togetherness for all that witnesses it. At Chili's people come out clapping and singing, and other restaurants and establishments as well but this one sticks out. I've had a few of these really fun birthdays once or twice in my life. Usually filled with going to the beach and having a lot of family time. This time around it was mostly chaotic, a lot redundant, and the rest heartbreaking.
The extended weekend was nice we ended up at the dollar movies, the park, game nights,bbqs etc. Had some family bonding with most of the kids. The one is just floating in doing all the wrong things and I have only seen him a handful of times when he drops in to shower and leave. He didn't' even wish me a happy birthday, come home for my celebration, our bbq, not a darn thing. I guess being a Rastafari means being a complete dick. Though this morning when he woke up late at his friends and needed to get to school at 1030 he was banging on the front door to get in and get a ride.
But let me backtrack, I'll post and talk about the AWESOME day we had at crossfit with the whole fam in another post this one I need to vent. I had to go grocery shopping after a hell of a work week. I then had time off that was cut short and I was asked to do a shoot on my birthday. Money is money and I absolutely never ever have enough of it so I took the assignment. After said assignment (which I freaking adored!) I picked up little miss to go grocery shopping. Older brothers who are 15 and 16 can watch Jackson. Apparently this was a mistake for this day. They got in a fight and ended up throwing toys all around and one of them went through Jackson's bedroom window. UGH UGH UGH. Boys will be boys right? So today we are having someone come out and look and see what to do replace the glass part or if need a whole new window. Living on a budget this makes things HARD when stuff like this happens.
So I drive in from grocery shopping having spent hundredsssssss of dollars on food to see a window shattered out. That was a whole fiasco getting rest of the glass out and cleaning up, getting the whole story. Taking away all gaming systems until end of summer you name it. In the midst of getting this all done I get the most horrible phonecall you can get.... Cousin Jason after a long and courageous five year battle with a rare form of leukemia passed away.
This is my birthday. Couple years ago it was a music acquaintance that passed on my bday. A couple years before that I was burying my best friend and first love Warren on my birthday. This year, Jason passes on my birthday. He had a bone marrow transplant a few weeks ago and had been in the hospital ever since with a bad infection in several parts of his body. The chemo didn't seem to kill the new tumors like it should. His body started to deteriorate. The put in a feeding tube on Monday. Tuesday they had to put him on a ventilator his lungs could not keep up. Doctors said they weren't giving up last time he got this bad and pulled through. But this time they tried dialysis yesterday to help him clear the infection but he was just too weak. His body could not handle it and one by one his organs shut down and he passed. He never woke up from when they had to put him on the ventilator. I saw Marianne's name on my phone (that's his aunt and my ex-mom-in-law) we'd been texting back and fourth the past few days about what was going on with him but I knew as soon as she was calling what it meant.
When my husband left Jason sort of stepped in for the kids as the cool cousin who they could talk to and he was a smashing guy. He actually disowned my ex for leaving the kids like he did. My ex-husband has not been in my children's lives at all and only has met our youngest son twice. Long story I'd rather not get into and all the way for the best. But Jason chose the kids over that and it always made me admire him for it. Family is family but they are all family and you don't do that to fam period.
So I'm trying to celebrate my birthday. Got all the stuff for dinner I'm unpacking, as the last of the glass is getting pushed out of the frame to clean it up and the phone is ringing. Tears filled before I even answered. I knew.
The funeral is not this weekend but the next and as usual I never get to go home unless it's for a funeral. I'm having to CONVINCE my eldest son to even attend. My guess he'd rather stay at the drug den house up the street and be a rasta than actually deal with and or be a part of a family that has loved him from day one.
My birthday BLEW, minus the parts Joe and kids didn't do. Joe and the kids made me a wonderful dinner I attempted to eat and all other fun little things and I got some really grand bday gifts that any other time I'd be raving about but right now I'm just spent. I'm emotionally spent and in about an hour I have to leave to do a photoshoot and try to keep my stuff together. It's hard. This is the down side to my job I don't get to just "take off," the events are once in a lifetime things. I don't get paid leave, or regular time off, I have to push through.
In a few hours I'm going to hit pause and act like I can enjoy the night and really try to. I know Jason, or Warren, or anyone would not want me to be so sad I can't function. But tonight when I come home and I'm "Unpaused," I'm sure you will find me in a puddle in bed with tissues and a nice hot chocolate trying to remember the good times and wish the pain away.
RIP Jason. Love you. This is how I choose to remember you.
The extended weekend was nice we ended up at the dollar movies, the park, game nights,bbqs etc. Had some family bonding with most of the kids. The one is just floating in doing all the wrong things and I have only seen him a handful of times when he drops in to shower and leave. He didn't' even wish me a happy birthday, come home for my celebration, our bbq, not a darn thing. I guess being a Rastafari means being a complete dick. Though this morning when he woke up late at his friends and needed to get to school at 1030 he was banging on the front door to get in and get a ride.
But let me backtrack, I'll post and talk about the AWESOME day we had at crossfit with the whole fam in another post this one I need to vent. I had to go grocery shopping after a hell of a work week. I then had time off that was cut short and I was asked to do a shoot on my birthday. Money is money and I absolutely never ever have enough of it so I took the assignment. After said assignment (which I freaking adored!) I picked up little miss to go grocery shopping. Older brothers who are 15 and 16 can watch Jackson. Apparently this was a mistake for this day. They got in a fight and ended up throwing toys all around and one of them went through Jackson's bedroom window. UGH UGH UGH. Boys will be boys right? So today we are having someone come out and look and see what to do replace the glass part or if need a whole new window. Living on a budget this makes things HARD when stuff like this happens.
So I drive in from grocery shopping having spent hundredsssssss of dollars on food to see a window shattered out. That was a whole fiasco getting rest of the glass out and cleaning up, getting the whole story. Taking away all gaming systems until end of summer you name it. In the midst of getting this all done I get the most horrible phonecall you can get.... Cousin Jason after a long and courageous five year battle with a rare form of leukemia passed away.
This is my birthday. Couple years ago it was a music acquaintance that passed on my bday. A couple years before that I was burying my best friend and first love Warren on my birthday. This year, Jason passes on my birthday. He had a bone marrow transplant a few weeks ago and had been in the hospital ever since with a bad infection in several parts of his body. The chemo didn't seem to kill the new tumors like it should. His body started to deteriorate. The put in a feeding tube on Monday. Tuesday they had to put him on a ventilator his lungs could not keep up. Doctors said they weren't giving up last time he got this bad and pulled through. But this time they tried dialysis yesterday to help him clear the infection but he was just too weak. His body could not handle it and one by one his organs shut down and he passed. He never woke up from when they had to put him on the ventilator. I saw Marianne's name on my phone (that's his aunt and my ex-mom-in-law) we'd been texting back and fourth the past few days about what was going on with him but I knew as soon as she was calling what it meant.
When my husband left Jason sort of stepped in for the kids as the cool cousin who they could talk to and he was a smashing guy. He actually disowned my ex for leaving the kids like he did. My ex-husband has not been in my children's lives at all and only has met our youngest son twice. Long story I'd rather not get into and all the way for the best. But Jason chose the kids over that and it always made me admire him for it. Family is family but they are all family and you don't do that to fam period.
So I'm trying to celebrate my birthday. Got all the stuff for dinner I'm unpacking, as the last of the glass is getting pushed out of the frame to clean it up and the phone is ringing. Tears filled before I even answered. I knew.
The funeral is not this weekend but the next and as usual I never get to go home unless it's for a funeral. I'm having to CONVINCE my eldest son to even attend. My guess he'd rather stay at the drug den house up the street and be a rasta than actually deal with and or be a part of a family that has loved him from day one.
My birthday BLEW, minus the parts Joe and kids didn't do. Joe and the kids made me a wonderful dinner I attempted to eat and all other fun little things and I got some really grand bday gifts that any other time I'd be raving about but right now I'm just spent. I'm emotionally spent and in about an hour I have to leave to do a photoshoot and try to keep my stuff together. It's hard. This is the down side to my job I don't get to just "take off," the events are once in a lifetime things. I don't get paid leave, or regular time off, I have to push through.
In a few hours I'm going to hit pause and act like I can enjoy the night and really try to. I know Jason, or Warren, or anyone would not want me to be so sad I can't function. But tonight when I come home and I'm "Unpaused," I'm sure you will find me in a puddle in bed with tissues and a nice hot chocolate trying to remember the good times and wish the pain away.
RIP Jason. Love you. This is how I choose to remember you.