My Life...
So I just finished reading all of my LiveJournal entries. All of them. What a phenomenal waste of time in a way, considering I need to be working on three essays right now... but I think it was pretty much worth it in that I've remembered a lot of crap about my life I needed to remember. Mainly who I once was and who I am right now... I can see the progression in my personality, I can remember why I react to certain things now the way I once didn't. So I guess I should make another status post so I can remember in another four years what I am today.
I'm in transition right now, really, between an entire phase of my life into another. I mean... I've gathered this:
14: Completely miserable, I was struggling to stay faithful, and I was horribly depressed because of it. I was secretly dealing with my bisexuality and it was eating me from the inside out. I felt like I was trapped in a life I didn't want. My biggest fears? 1) I would never overcome my desire for men, 2) I would never stop struggling with my belief in Jehovah, 3) I would never make it into University, 4) I would never marry, I would never have a family... this is the year of intense Self-Hate.
15: Becoming more convinced that, perhaps, I should leave my faith, but still very distraught about it. Turbo hardcore went into planning my future to be secure. Started hitting my stride in becoming more extroverted with Drama. Ernest is by far my best friend at this point, I would not have survived this far psychologically without him.
16: I left my religion, felt horrible over it. Most everybody I loved as a kid suddenly turned their backs to me. I discovered that I really loved film. At this point in my life I saw things as, perhaps, looking up a bit... then I figured out I was gay, and all of a sudden my dreams of having a family were thrown out the window. I fell in love with a guy, eventually got my heart a little broken.
17: Parents found out I was gay, and I accepted the possibility that, perhaps, one day I would find a guy I could settle down with, have a family like I wanted. University was looking like more of a prospect, I was, generally, much happier. Shit at school caused me to suddenly have, like, no faith in new friends, and I was terrified that people everywhere would stab me in the back. I realized that I really could do University, I could move away from Sydenham and have a life, I could chase after whatever profession I wanted. While I had no real hope of a good romantic future at first, I met Andrew, and everything changed. I was in love.
18: I moved in with my great love... realistically, before I was ready. I was really immature and insecure about myself and terribly afraid of commitment. I worked at Wendy's full-time, I felt horribly depressed because of it, but tried my best to seem happy so that Andrew wouldn't think I was depressed because of him. I lost contact with just about all of my friends except Laura, whom I lived with. Suddenly marriage looks possible, University is going to work out, I stopped grappling with God, I might one day have a family of my own...
19: I slipped into taking Andrew for granted and leaning on him for more support than I should have, and yet... he stayed with me. I was horribly selfish but he was still with me. Still, more shit with my family came up, and I feel like I'm losing even more of the people I loved as a kid. Andrew was my whole world, but I realized I needed contact with my friends again, so I got better at not being such an ass and actually talking to people again. I'm in University, though! Everything was fabulous on that front.
20: Family stuff has never, ever been worse, I'm working harder than I ever have before trying to support myself and school, hoping I can make up for all of the crap I put Andrew through last year. I'm trying to be a better person, trying to pull my own weight and keep up with school. I've been very, very stressed out, over the work and over money. I've broken down a few times over the past few months, even, just because of stress and anxiety... but I'm happier than I've ever been. I have my own house, I have a boyfriend who loves me despite how awful I am sometimes, I have a real hope to have the future I always dreamed about when I was 14, but thought was impossible. This is why I'm in transition, and it's real this time. Everything I was afraid I couldn't have, everything I thought I couldn't deal with... I have, or have a good shot at having. I can make this relationship with Andrew work in the long-term, I know I can. I know I can have a family. I know I can have a really fantastic career, I know I can get through university... there are just a few obstacles in my way, which I'll overcome. Of course, there's a negative bit... my family. I'm losing them, 95% of them anyway. That's in transition to. Being married to a man and being an active relative of most of my family are incompatible because of their beliefs, so, so-be-it. I need to accept that I'm going to lose most of the family I still see.
What am I afraid of now, though? Losing more of the people I love. My mom, dad, most siblings... I'll lose them, I've come to accept that. Most of my friends don't really give a damned about me, fine. But there are a few people I really love, and I'm terrified that someday I'll lose them over something or other, distance, fight, or a general decline in just talking... I don't know. But I've lost so many people to stupid religion and bigotry and just everything, I can't lose anymore. I really can't.
14-20... I've come to accept myself, realize what I want in life and go after it. In the process of going after it I've screwed up, but I've learned from that. That was the first phase of the me I consider really me in any sense. 14-20 was figuring stuff out, figuring out who I am, what I want, how to live with somebody who now shares me life. 20-Whenever? Settling myself down into simply working for those goals, not figuring it out so much. Then, maybe, in the third phase I'll get it. I really hope so. It's taken me six years to sort this fucking shit out, it had better damned well be worth it.
I'm in transition right now, really, between an entire phase of my life into another. I mean... I've gathered this:
14: Completely miserable, I was struggling to stay faithful, and I was horribly depressed because of it. I was secretly dealing with my bisexuality and it was eating me from the inside out. I felt like I was trapped in a life I didn't want. My biggest fears? 1) I would never overcome my desire for men, 2) I would never stop struggling with my belief in Jehovah, 3) I would never make it into University, 4) I would never marry, I would never have a family... this is the year of intense Self-Hate.
15: Becoming more convinced that, perhaps, I should leave my faith, but still very distraught about it. Turbo hardcore went into planning my future to be secure. Started hitting my stride in becoming more extroverted with Drama. Ernest is by far my best friend at this point, I would not have survived this far psychologically without him.
16: I left my religion, felt horrible over it. Most everybody I loved as a kid suddenly turned their backs to me. I discovered that I really loved film. At this point in my life I saw things as, perhaps, looking up a bit... then I figured out I was gay, and all of a sudden my dreams of having a family were thrown out the window. I fell in love with a guy, eventually got my heart a little broken.
17: Parents found out I was gay, and I accepted the possibility that, perhaps, one day I would find a guy I could settle down with, have a family like I wanted. University was looking like more of a prospect, I was, generally, much happier. Shit at school caused me to suddenly have, like, no faith in new friends, and I was terrified that people everywhere would stab me in the back. I realized that I really could do University, I could move away from Sydenham and have a life, I could chase after whatever profession I wanted. While I had no real hope of a good romantic future at first, I met Andrew, and everything changed. I was in love.
18: I moved in with my great love... realistically, before I was ready. I was really immature and insecure about myself and terribly afraid of commitment. I worked at Wendy's full-time, I felt horribly depressed because of it, but tried my best to seem happy so that Andrew wouldn't think I was depressed because of him. I lost contact with just about all of my friends except Laura, whom I lived with. Suddenly marriage looks possible, University is going to work out, I stopped grappling with God, I might one day have a family of my own...
19: I slipped into taking Andrew for granted and leaning on him for more support than I should have, and yet... he stayed with me. I was horribly selfish but he was still with me. Still, more shit with my family came up, and I feel like I'm losing even more of the people I loved as a kid. Andrew was my whole world, but I realized I needed contact with my friends again, so I got better at not being such an ass and actually talking to people again. I'm in University, though! Everything was fabulous on that front.
20: Family stuff has never, ever been worse, I'm working harder than I ever have before trying to support myself and school, hoping I can make up for all of the crap I put Andrew through last year. I'm trying to be a better person, trying to pull my own weight and keep up with school. I've been very, very stressed out, over the work and over money. I've broken down a few times over the past few months, even, just because of stress and anxiety... but I'm happier than I've ever been. I have my own house, I have a boyfriend who loves me despite how awful I am sometimes, I have a real hope to have the future I always dreamed about when I was 14, but thought was impossible. This is why I'm in transition, and it's real this time. Everything I was afraid I couldn't have, everything I thought I couldn't deal with... I have, or have a good shot at having. I can make this relationship with Andrew work in the long-term, I know I can. I know I can have a family. I know I can have a really fantastic career, I know I can get through university... there are just a few obstacles in my way, which I'll overcome. Of course, there's a negative bit... my family. I'm losing them, 95% of them anyway. That's in transition to. Being married to a man and being an active relative of most of my family are incompatible because of their beliefs, so, so-be-it. I need to accept that I'm going to lose most of the family I still see.
What am I afraid of now, though? Losing more of the people I love. My mom, dad, most siblings... I'll lose them, I've come to accept that. Most of my friends don't really give a damned about me, fine. But there are a few people I really love, and I'm terrified that someday I'll lose them over something or other, distance, fight, or a general decline in just talking... I don't know. But I've lost so many people to stupid religion and bigotry and just everything, I can't lose anymore. I really can't.
14-20... I've come to accept myself, realize what I want in life and go after it. In the process of going after it I've screwed up, but I've learned from that. That was the first phase of the me I consider really me in any sense. 14-20 was figuring stuff out, figuring out who I am, what I want, how to live with somebody who now shares me life. 20-Whenever? Settling myself down into simply working for those goals, not figuring it out so much. Then, maybe, in the third phase I'll get it. I really hope so. It's taken me six years to sort this fucking shit out, it had better damned well be worth it.