Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.....
No, I'm not ouching the sunburn (which is oddly only on the back of my knees and calfs... I'm ouching the pain in my heart. I didn't know that it was possible to hurt this much over a guy. I don't mean that I haven't felt pain before, but each kind of pain is different... I've been through a lot of shit, I think that everyone has, and each kind of pain is different. No one thing compares to another. And I didn't know that loving someone this way could ever hurt this much.
Thanks Stace and Ash for being there and supporting me, I really need it... and you. I love you both.
It's funny because I was doing well until my break down yesterday. And then today... well last night I had an amazing dream about him and I being together and we were happy and it was the greatest dream I have ever had in my entire life. I woke up and my heart was full again... truely full... not empty and lost... and then I shook off the groggy feeling and realized that it was just a dream and the day went downhill from there. I was bitchy and rude and I took it out on everyone around me. Then I almost got stopped because of my damn inspection sticker. The car is registered to me but when the damn people that I bought it from inspected it they put the sticker under my grandmother's birthdate which is May so I should have already gotten it inspected again. But I pulled a GANGSTA move and while I was watching the cop turn around I turned onto a side road and watched him fly past. lol. But it only changed my mood for like 10 seconds (dude it was sooooo awesome! I can't even tell you!) Then I was quiet for the first trip to Gilmanton. Then we tried to register Nanny's car and we couldn't because my grandfather said she wouldn't need the title because it was 10 years old so he only gave us a bill of sale and we needed the title unless the car was 15 years old... so we were screwed and pissed off. It was 2:00 and we had 2 hours to go all the way back to Merrimack and then back to Gilmanton by 4:00 and get the damn thing registered.... that wouldn't have been a problem accept EVERY obstacle possible was in the way.... traffic especially since it's Friday and nice out... and then my brother wanted me to stop and drop him off at a friend's house and then started freaking out when I said I didn't have time. He's like you have to go right by... what he doesn't understand is that to take a side road and stop the car and stuff takes a extra 5 minutes and that is a precious 5 minutes in these situations. But I did it after like 8 huge fights and a long lecture about how selfish he is on the ride. Then we were on our way. Problem was traffic was even WORSE going that way AND my car was overheating from all the use and the fact that it leaks anti freeze. So I stopped and filled it with anti freeze but it didn't cool down and I was freaking out about it. However we made it about 10 minutes late but had called and told the lady we were coming and she waited and did the registration and stuff. So stress level went down after freaking out at everyone including snapping at Nanny as well... and my cousin ended up in the middle because of my damn brother... so I apologized and life went on... we drove to Nanny's house to pee and as we hit the shade Nanny said "Wow, did you notice how we are instantly cooler in the shade?" And I looked down at my temperature gage and watched it slowly move down to the cool side and said... so is my car.....? I was completely confused.... So my car cooled down with my stress... weird huh? I also named my car Noah. Now that may sound crazy but I want a vanity plate and I don't want it to be my name or anything like that... so I said, my car should have a name like Herbie (which I saw 2 nights ago... it's cute...) and I want the name on my plate. It has to be a guy because I ride it and work it like crazy, lmao! That was great.... but it's name is Noah because of the guy on The Notebook. He's gorgeous, strong, handsome, true, honest, and forever faithful. It will always remind me that my "Noah" is out there waiting for me somewhere and he's going to appreciate me for ME. Truely and completely because that is what I deserve. And all of that totally improved my mood. Then I brought my cousin to the cinema and Ryan wouldn't let me see a movie because I called out sick... technically I called out because I had a really bad headache and I told him that the doctor gave me meds for it but he didn't believe me I don't think and he said I couldnt see a movie so Nanny and I went and got gas and got her car washed and then sat and talked until she had to leave. Problem was I had seen him (didn't talk to him though) and it totally threw me for a loop and a half! I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to him and at that point Ryan had pissed me off so talking to him would have made it even worse than it already was. So I held it together until Nanny left and then broke down. I did a few things that I shouldn't have like smoked a couple of cigarettes and cried and listened to sad country and cried. Then I came home and talking to Jon and Alana and Alana made me feel worse because she was saying that she hung out with him a lot at work last night. I was suppose to work but I had a test... that could have been me. And he has had a thing for her since she started working... well he thinks she's wicked hott anyway. She didn't mean anything by it I was just thinking about all the interesting and amazing times that him and I have had there. I know she has no feelings for him and would never be interested in him and I love her sooooo much! She's amazing! But it hurt to know that he can just have fun with other people the way we used to. He called her crazy. He told her to go back to her padded room and straight jacket. Do you know how many times he said that to me? Do you know how many times he looked at me with that "OMG what the hell are you doing right now? Please shut up" expression? Anyway it made me think back to a lot of different memories between him and I and I was lost. So I freaked.... then I left to pick up my brother and cousin and Rich and had a few more cigarettes on the way there and listened to rap trying to get the anger and pain out and cried... a lot. Then I got there and blared the music so they could hear it inside. I saw him look at me and I flew off into the night like a crazy woman. And I just kept crying. I dropped Rich off, turned the music down and whined to my brother and cousin the entire way home. And they have no idea what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. I'm in sooooo much pain that I don't know what to do with. I keep taking it out on everyone around me too sometimes and it's really not fair. I hate feeling like this. I hate being empty and lost and hurt. I don't like being this girl. And I want to say it's just part of the process but IS there a process? How does it work? Where do I go from here?
And it is all good for me. I'm learning. I've learned. But it hurts so bad! And I am finding myself again. The old me. The crazy me. The fun me that doesn't have to be perfect or follow the crowd. I don't know where I lost that girl along the way, but he took bits and pieces and changed me even though that wasn't what he meant to do and it's what ruined us. And I am finding that girl again.... but it hurts. I wish I could do it with him by my side. I wish he could hold me in his arms while I figure myself out. But he can't. And I guess if this is what it takes for me to find me, this is what has to be done. He has A TON of growing up to do before we can work anyway. And I have to be me again so that we can totally clash because that is what makes us work. And what didn't work was his immaturity and my losing myself. So yeah... we both still have a lot of life left to live before we can be together... but what if this is it?
What if this is my chance for real love? What if I lose him now and never find love again? I want him in my life forever..... what if I lose him completely? That's why when he said that he cared it meant so damn much. That's why when he promised he'd be here and care it was so real. That's why I said ok, and we can still be friends. Because if he's still in my life, I still have a chance to be with him later on.
But maybe I'm just crazy. Well yeah I am. But maybe we're not meant to be... And I guess that's ok... but it hurts like hell. Will he ever see how much he really means to me? Will he ever see all that I've sacraficed for him? Will he ever appreciate all the love and time I gave? Will he ever see that the best thing in his entire world is standing right in front of him screaming at him to love her? Does he love me?
I give up. I'm done talking (yeah I can hear the THANK GOD coming from everyone). I also give up analyzing. I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore, but it's one of those nights. I love him you know? So how do I stop?
Thanks Stace and Ash for being there and supporting me, I really need it... and you. I love you both.
It's funny because I was doing well until my break down yesterday. And then today... well last night I had an amazing dream about him and I being together and we were happy and it was the greatest dream I have ever had in my entire life. I woke up and my heart was full again... truely full... not empty and lost... and then I shook off the groggy feeling and realized that it was just a dream and the day went downhill from there. I was bitchy and rude and I took it out on everyone around me. Then I almost got stopped because of my damn inspection sticker. The car is registered to me but when the damn people that I bought it from inspected it they put the sticker under my grandmother's birthdate which is May so I should have already gotten it inspected again. But I pulled a GANGSTA move and while I was watching the cop turn around I turned onto a side road and watched him fly past. lol. But it only changed my mood for like 10 seconds (dude it was sooooo awesome! I can't even tell you!) Then I was quiet for the first trip to Gilmanton. Then we tried to register Nanny's car and we couldn't because my grandfather said she wouldn't need the title because it was 10 years old so he only gave us a bill of sale and we needed the title unless the car was 15 years old... so we were screwed and pissed off. It was 2:00 and we had 2 hours to go all the way back to Merrimack and then back to Gilmanton by 4:00 and get the damn thing registered.... that wouldn't have been a problem accept EVERY obstacle possible was in the way.... traffic especially since it's Friday and nice out... and then my brother wanted me to stop and drop him off at a friend's house and then started freaking out when I said I didn't have time. He's like you have to go right by... what he doesn't understand is that to take a side road and stop the car and stuff takes a extra 5 minutes and that is a precious 5 minutes in these situations. But I did it after like 8 huge fights and a long lecture about how selfish he is on the ride. Then we were on our way. Problem was traffic was even WORSE going that way AND my car was overheating from all the use and the fact that it leaks anti freeze. So I stopped and filled it with anti freeze but it didn't cool down and I was freaking out about it. However we made it about 10 minutes late but had called and told the lady we were coming and she waited and did the registration and stuff. So stress level went down after freaking out at everyone including snapping at Nanny as well... and my cousin ended up in the middle because of my damn brother... so I apologized and life went on... we drove to Nanny's house to pee and as we hit the shade Nanny said "Wow, did you notice how we are instantly cooler in the shade?" And I looked down at my temperature gage and watched it slowly move down to the cool side and said... so is my car.....? I was completely confused.... So my car cooled down with my stress... weird huh? I also named my car Noah. Now that may sound crazy but I want a vanity plate and I don't want it to be my name or anything like that... so I said, my car should have a name like Herbie (which I saw 2 nights ago... it's cute...) and I want the name on my plate. It has to be a guy because I ride it and work it like crazy, lmao! That was great.... but it's name is Noah because of the guy on The Notebook. He's gorgeous, strong, handsome, true, honest, and forever faithful. It will always remind me that my "Noah" is out there waiting for me somewhere and he's going to appreciate me for ME. Truely and completely because that is what I deserve. And all of that totally improved my mood. Then I brought my cousin to the cinema and Ryan wouldn't let me see a movie because I called out sick... technically I called out because I had a really bad headache and I told him that the doctor gave me meds for it but he didn't believe me I don't think and he said I couldnt see a movie so Nanny and I went and got gas and got her car washed and then sat and talked until she had to leave. Problem was I had seen him (didn't talk to him though) and it totally threw me for a loop and a half! I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to him and at that point Ryan had pissed me off so talking to him would have made it even worse than it already was. So I held it together until Nanny left and then broke down. I did a few things that I shouldn't have like smoked a couple of cigarettes and cried and listened to sad country and cried. Then I came home and talking to Jon and Alana and Alana made me feel worse because she was saying that she hung out with him a lot at work last night. I was suppose to work but I had a test... that could have been me. And he has had a thing for her since she started working... well he thinks she's wicked hott anyway. She didn't mean anything by it I was just thinking about all the interesting and amazing times that him and I have had there. I know she has no feelings for him and would never be interested in him and I love her sooooo much! She's amazing! But it hurt to know that he can just have fun with other people the way we used to. He called her crazy. He told her to go back to her padded room and straight jacket. Do you know how many times he said that to me? Do you know how many times he looked at me with that "OMG what the hell are you doing right now? Please shut up" expression? Anyway it made me think back to a lot of different memories between him and I and I was lost. So I freaked.... then I left to pick up my brother and cousin and Rich and had a few more cigarettes on the way there and listened to rap trying to get the anger and pain out and cried... a lot. Then I got there and blared the music so they could hear it inside. I saw him look at me and I flew off into the night like a crazy woman. And I just kept crying. I dropped Rich off, turned the music down and whined to my brother and cousin the entire way home. And they have no idea what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. I'm in sooooo much pain that I don't know what to do with. I keep taking it out on everyone around me too sometimes and it's really not fair. I hate feeling like this. I hate being empty and lost and hurt. I don't like being this girl. And I want to say it's just part of the process but IS there a process? How does it work? Where do I go from here?
And it is all good for me. I'm learning. I've learned. But it hurts so bad! And I am finding myself again. The old me. The crazy me. The fun me that doesn't have to be perfect or follow the crowd. I don't know where I lost that girl along the way, but he took bits and pieces and changed me even though that wasn't what he meant to do and it's what ruined us. And I am finding that girl again.... but it hurts. I wish I could do it with him by my side. I wish he could hold me in his arms while I figure myself out. But he can't. And I guess if this is what it takes for me to find me, this is what has to be done. He has A TON of growing up to do before we can work anyway. And I have to be me again so that we can totally clash because that is what makes us work. And what didn't work was his immaturity and my losing myself. So yeah... we both still have a lot of life left to live before we can be together... but what if this is it?
What if this is my chance for real love? What if I lose him now and never find love again? I want him in my life forever..... what if I lose him completely? That's why when he said that he cared it meant so damn much. That's why when he promised he'd be here and care it was so real. That's why I said ok, and we can still be friends. Because if he's still in my life, I still have a chance to be with him later on.
But maybe I'm just crazy. Well yeah I am. But maybe we're not meant to be... And I guess that's ok... but it hurts like hell. Will he ever see how much he really means to me? Will he ever see all that I've sacraficed for him? Will he ever appreciate all the love and time I gave? Will he ever see that the best thing in his entire world is standing right in front of him screaming at him to love her? Does he love me?
I give up. I'm done talking (yeah I can hear the THANK GOD coming from everyone). I also give up analyzing. I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore, but it's one of those nights. I love him you know? So how do I stop?