mind barf of the 18th of february, 2009
I just watched the movie Knocked Up and let me just say that I am so fucking happy that I am not pregnant. That movie, although very funny, made me feel super anxious.
Maybe its just nostalgia or the way people always seem to see things in the past as being way better than they were, perhaps that is the definition of nostalgia, but, all cockiness aside, I feel like I used to be so much more of a positive person. Not just positive in the sense of being optimistic but positive in the sincere affect I had on people’s lives. I used to hear people say that it was super weird to have days where I wasn’t exuberantly happy, like it meant that something was truly wrong and that seeing me brightened their day. I think what really changed was how I used to completely ignore just about everything that did not make me happy. Ignorance was truly bliss. I know that this change in how I view and filter everything that happens in my days and life had a lot to do with my relationship with Chris. He took advantage of this trait to such an extent that it pushed my boundaries as to what and how much I could ignore until my bubble literally burst. Still, I really would like to get back some of that glowing happiness I used to have. I’ll have to find a happy medium as to not get myself, my psyche and life fucked in the ass again. Oh and I guess my actual ass too. I used to feel so in love with the world and I think it really set me apart from all other people. Now, while still being fundamentally the same person, I’m just as bitter as the rest of the population in this fucked up society. Yeah, that last statement’s just a little too ironic. So how the hell did I do that before? I remember for the most part always feeling like I was a kid in the way that everything was special as if it was new, even fire engine red mail boxes. And this wasn’t that long ago. Well, if a relationship brought about this switch to the other polar opposite I suppose I could expect that it will change and even itself out with another relationship. But fuck that. I refuse to depend on a relationship for anything that is important to me personally and affects only my life and head. I feel like that statement needs just a little rephrasing. But fuck that.
I did journal a lot before too. Uninhibited journaling, maybe that’s the key, getting all the shit that holds you down out of your head, thus leaving more of an opportunity for the positive and open minded ideas to flutter in and linger and grow. Wow, before that sentence I would have said I’m not that stoned anymore, but now I might have to disagree. I know it’s only been two days but I’m really proud of myself for being so on top of things. I mean, for fucks sake, I just wrote an essay, in the middle of the afternoon today, that is not due until Monday. I’m fairly certain that that has never happened to me before. Or rather, I have never done that before, for I am in control of my life and do not believe in fate and yadda yadda yadda. Fuck, my eloquence has been replaced with cynicism. Or am I just exaggerating everything in my little over analyzing head? Was that even cynical at all? Why am I thinking in the voice of Hunter S. Thompson? I feel like I am really milking this, I want so badly to be able to just open up my mind and let thoughts come out and grow off of each other that I feel like I am literally milking my brains utters. [note to self in note to self: paint picture of a person with brain exposed, milking own brain utters]
Maybe its just nostalgia or the way people always seem to see things in the past as being way better than they were, perhaps that is the definition of nostalgia, but, all cockiness aside, I feel like I used to be so much more of a positive person. Not just positive in the sense of being optimistic but positive in the sincere affect I had on people’s lives. I used to hear people say that it was super weird to have days where I wasn’t exuberantly happy, like it meant that something was truly wrong and that seeing me brightened their day. I think what really changed was how I used to completely ignore just about everything that did not make me happy. Ignorance was truly bliss. I know that this change in how I view and filter everything that happens in my days and life had a lot to do with my relationship with Chris. He took advantage of this trait to such an extent that it pushed my boundaries as to what and how much I could ignore until my bubble literally burst. Still, I really would like to get back some of that glowing happiness I used to have. I’ll have to find a happy medium as to not get myself, my psyche and life fucked in the ass again. Oh and I guess my actual ass too. I used to feel so in love with the world and I think it really set me apart from all other people. Now, while still being fundamentally the same person, I’m just as bitter as the rest of the population in this fucked up society. Yeah, that last statement’s just a little too ironic. So how the hell did I do that before? I remember for the most part always feeling like I was a kid in the way that everything was special as if it was new, even fire engine red mail boxes. And this wasn’t that long ago. Well, if a relationship brought about this switch to the other polar opposite I suppose I could expect that it will change and even itself out with another relationship. But fuck that. I refuse to depend on a relationship for anything that is important to me personally and affects only my life and head. I feel like that statement needs just a little rephrasing. But fuck that.
I did journal a lot before too. Uninhibited journaling, maybe that’s the key, getting all the shit that holds you down out of your head, thus leaving more of an opportunity for the positive and open minded ideas to flutter in and linger and grow. Wow, before that sentence I would have said I’m not that stoned anymore, but now I might have to disagree. I know it’s only been two days but I’m really proud of myself for being so on top of things. I mean, for fucks sake, I just wrote an essay, in the middle of the afternoon today, that is not due until Monday. I’m fairly certain that that has never happened to me before. Or rather, I have never done that before, for I am in control of my life and do not believe in fate and yadda yadda yadda. Fuck, my eloquence has been replaced with cynicism. Or am I just exaggerating everything in my little over analyzing head? Was that even cynical at all? Why am I thinking in the voice of Hunter S. Thompson? I feel like I am really milking this, I want so badly to be able to just open up my mind and let thoughts come out and grow off of each other that I feel like I am literally milking my brains utters. [note to self in note to self: paint picture of a person with brain exposed, milking own brain utters]