just random thoughts
So, I realized I've been really bitter and kind of mean towards exboyfriends and exlovers recently...and it's just notable and obvious because it's different than the way I usually am.
I mean, the fucking proof is here, not even hidden, in the words of past months. How many times did I bend over backward and submit myself in attempts to make David happy &to want me for ohthatneedful moment?
How much fucking crying did I do whilst dating Noel? How many times did I swallow blame and pretend problems didn't exist?
Why wasn't it sexual assault when in a drunken state you "decided" you wanted sex regardless of my feelings, only to pull back your flaccid penis minutes later? Why? Because I loved you? Because I didn't want you to get angry at me?
The point of all this is...
I think I'm actually happy and doing all right in a relationship for the first time in my life.
&all I hear from the past is "no one loves me...boohoohoo"
&it HURTS, you know?
To know that Noel! I stood by you for three months whilst you attempted to woo another girl. You left me for her twice, remember?
To hear Darryl talk of his jealousy over a friend's engagement, and know that I let you call me names...I didn't leave when you drank and physically or verbally assaulted me. I stood there and tried to support you and make you happy and fix everything that was wrong. I listened to THREE FUCKING FRIENDS tell me openly that they were worried and how you publicly treated me badly. I listened to another friend vow to stop talking to me as long as we stayed together. &in the end, you essentially left me for "hurting you", and you didn't apologize.
To hear Luke, whom I laid in bed and cried over for two weeks...how much it hurts your poor heart to be single.
I don't for a moment assert that I was a saint.
But for all the pain I have bore through rejection over the last year. &all the people I loved soooo deeply...to continually hear how I should feel sorry for your pathetic hearts because no one "loves you". Well, listen here! I did love you. You just didn't care...and you still fucking don't.
I mean, the fucking proof is here, not even hidden, in the words of past months. How many times did I bend over backward and submit myself in attempts to make David happy &to want me for ohthatneedful moment?
How much fucking crying did I do whilst dating Noel? How many times did I swallow blame and pretend problems didn't exist?
Why wasn't it sexual assault when in a drunken state you "decided" you wanted sex regardless of my feelings, only to pull back your flaccid penis minutes later? Why? Because I loved you? Because I didn't want you to get angry at me?
The point of all this is...
I think I'm actually happy and doing all right in a relationship for the first time in my life.
&all I hear from the past is "no one loves me...boohoohoo"
&it HURTS, you know?
To know that Noel! I stood by you for three months whilst you attempted to woo another girl. You left me for her twice, remember?
To hear Darryl talk of his jealousy over a friend's engagement, and know that I let you call me names...I didn't leave when you drank and physically or verbally assaulted me. I stood there and tried to support you and make you happy and fix everything that was wrong. I listened to THREE FUCKING FRIENDS tell me openly that they were worried and how you publicly treated me badly. I listened to another friend vow to stop talking to me as long as we stayed together. &in the end, you essentially left me for "hurting you", and you didn't apologize.
To hear Luke, whom I laid in bed and cried over for two weeks...how much it hurts your poor heart to be single.
I don't for a moment assert that I was a saint.
But for all the pain I have bore through rejection over the last year. &all the people I loved soooo deeply...to continually hear how I should feel sorry for your pathetic hearts because no one "loves you". Well, listen here! I did love you. You just didn't care...and you still fucking don't.