we exist, in spite of & despite
Last night at 11pm I left to go sleep at David's house.
Sometimes I want to ask him, if my complete submission is something he's glad I've given him.
I had to take two showers. The first time, I hadn't washed my hair.
He told me "I'm not being mean. I don't ask you to do this to upset you." &I said "I know.".
So when he complained that my hair still smelled like smoke,
I made a mock scene, and then turned around and walked back into the bathroom.
He told me I was selfish.
I never argued.
But I make note that for over an hour I scratch his head & back because he asks me too, and because he likes it.
I've never asked anything for myself, other than to sleep beside him.
When we sleep, usually he doesn't touch me.
I wrap my arms around him, and feel his chest and his body against mine.
Last night he held my wrists, and would turn over and actually exert energy to make sure his arm rested loosely on my side.
In the morning, he tried to sit up & I held him down.
He attempted again, and I let him go.
The light situated beside my head shot on, and he wrapped himself in sheets & sat at the end of the bed.
I walked to the bathroom to change into my day-to-day clothes.
& if I hadn't needed to make a phonecall...again, I would've walked out.
Maybe he's come to expect that.
I liked it better last time, though.
When we hugged goodbye and he said "don't give me a fake hug".
I want to tell him "By the way, you know that I love you, correct?".
I hope I never do.
Sometimes I want to ask him, if my complete submission is something he's glad I've given him.
I had to take two showers. The first time, I hadn't washed my hair.
He told me "I'm not being mean. I don't ask you to do this to upset you." &I said "I know.".
So when he complained that my hair still smelled like smoke,
I made a mock scene, and then turned around and walked back into the bathroom.
He told me I was selfish.
I never argued.
But I make note that for over an hour I scratch his head & back because he asks me too, and because he likes it.
I've never asked anything for myself, other than to sleep beside him.
When we sleep, usually he doesn't touch me.
I wrap my arms around him, and feel his chest and his body against mine.
Last night he held my wrists, and would turn over and actually exert energy to make sure his arm rested loosely on my side.
In the morning, he tried to sit up & I held him down.
He attempted again, and I let him go.
The light situated beside my head shot on, and he wrapped himself in sheets & sat at the end of the bed.
I walked to the bathroom to change into my day-to-day clothes.
& if I hadn't needed to make a phonecall...again, I would've walked out.
Maybe he's come to expect that.
I liked it better last time, though.
When we hugged goodbye and he said "don't give me a fake hug".
I want to tell him "By the way, you know that I love you, correct?".
I hope I never do.