A panic attack a day...
There are so many good movies coming out next year that I think if I have to get a job it's going to have to be at Smitty's. Or a movie theater at least. It's the only way I'll be able to feed my addiction. Hunger Games, Snow White, The Avengers, Batman, The Woman in Black, THE HOBBIT! I'm just so excited. I love movies, I love going to see movies in the theater. If it wasn't so gal dern expensive I'm sure I'd be there all the time!
.
And speaking of Smitty's, I haven't seen Abby there for a long time. If she is gone, I will be very sad. She's been my favorite waitress for two years? Maybe three. Anyway, I miss seeing her.
So anyway, I am having panic attacks at least once a day lately. It all started with a letter I got last week saying I need to go have a psych eval. Well, let me back up and explain for anyone who has no idea why I would need this. In 2002 I was put on disability for severe depression and anxiety. I was borderline agoraphobic, I...it was a mess. Thankfully I am much better ten years later. I still have anxiety and random depression issues, but nothing even close to how it was back then. Plus I am medication free, which makes me even happier.
Side note: I have nothing against medication or people who take it. Some people really need to take it to be able to function. It's an aid, not a crutch and I firmly believe that. For me, I just want to avoid meds because, while they make me better able to handle every day stress and stuff, they make me apathetic. Like I wouldn't be sad about something but I wouldn't really be happy about anything, either. I kind of like being able to have emotions. Also, they seriously screw with my writing. Anyway!
Throughout these ten years that have passed I've had this ongoing and as yet undiagnosed breathing issue, told I have a pulmonary aneurysm which really, this morning I was like, Dude! I really SHOULDN'T be going on roller coasters! But that's neither here nor there at the moment. I have a whole year before I have to think about that and really, I know I won't stop. If I die on a roller coaster, so be it. The best possible way to go, IMO. But yeah, so I have that and now also this Reiter Syndrome.
Taking us up to present-ish, I was sent a letter about a month ago saying that the board of disability people want to review my case. I talked with a woman about how I am managing the depression/anxiety thing and how it doesn't affect my day-to-day life too greatly but have all these other things going on. Fast forward to last week when I get the letter about the psych eval.
Now I am freaking out. Because I'm not going to go in there and lie just to keep things the way they are. For one, that's just not something I would ever do, and for two, I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of the battle I fought and won. But I am so terrified that they're going to say, "Well, you're fine now. Benefits revoked." and then I am going to be screwed.
I have no car, haven't since the whole John BS started. There are a few places I could walk to if I needed to but what if they're not hiring? What if I'm in a spell of bad breathing? What if I'm in so much pain that all I can do without bursting into tears is sit there and do nothing? I see a job going well for me until the first couple of times that happens.
And then I have dental issues going on that have needed addressing for awhile now. Chipped my tooth on a bagel Saturday. A BAGEL. Yeah. And there is no help for anyone on Medicaid except in medical emergencies. So in theory I really could go in and get all my bad teeth ripped out and then be left looking like an 85-year-old woman. Which would be super attractive. Kids, brush your teeth when you are young! Well, brush them all time time, but especially when you are young and stupid and think you don't need to do anything so mundane as brushing your teeth! That combined with the medication I was on when I was very little doomed me, but...bleh.
So yeah, all of these things are flipping me out on a daily basis right now. And I am so stressed that I am crazy breaking out, which just adds to my stress.
WHAT IS THIS?!
I am so looking forward to Thursday night, it's ridiculous.
.
And speaking of Smitty's, I haven't seen Abby there for a long time. If she is gone, I will be very sad. She's been my favorite waitress for two years? Maybe three. Anyway, I miss seeing her.
So anyway, I am having panic attacks at least once a day lately. It all started with a letter I got last week saying I need to go have a psych eval. Well, let me back up and explain for anyone who has no idea why I would need this. In 2002 I was put on disability for severe depression and anxiety. I was borderline agoraphobic, I...it was a mess. Thankfully I am much better ten years later. I still have anxiety and random depression issues, but nothing even close to how it was back then. Plus I am medication free, which makes me even happier.
Side note: I have nothing against medication or people who take it. Some people really need to take it to be able to function. It's an aid, not a crutch and I firmly believe that. For me, I just want to avoid meds because, while they make me better able to handle every day stress and stuff, they make me apathetic. Like I wouldn't be sad about something but I wouldn't really be happy about anything, either. I kind of like being able to have emotions. Also, they seriously screw with my writing. Anyway!
Throughout these ten years that have passed I've had this ongoing and as yet undiagnosed breathing issue, told I have a pulmonary aneurysm which really, this morning I was like, Dude! I really SHOULDN'T be going on roller coasters! But that's neither here nor there at the moment. I have a whole year before I have to think about that and really, I know I won't stop. If I die on a roller coaster, so be it. The best possible way to go, IMO. But yeah, so I have that and now also this Reiter Syndrome.
Taking us up to present-ish, I was sent a letter about a month ago saying that the board of disability people want to review my case. I talked with a woman about how I am managing the depression/anxiety thing and how it doesn't affect my day-to-day life too greatly but have all these other things going on. Fast forward to last week when I get the letter about the psych eval.
Now I am freaking out. Because I'm not going to go in there and lie just to keep things the way they are. For one, that's just not something I would ever do, and for two, I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of the battle I fought and won. But I am so terrified that they're going to say, "Well, you're fine now. Benefits revoked." and then I am going to be screwed.
I have no car, haven't since the whole John BS started. There are a few places I could walk to if I needed to but what if they're not hiring? What if I'm in a spell of bad breathing? What if I'm in so much pain that all I can do without bursting into tears is sit there and do nothing? I see a job going well for me until the first couple of times that happens.
And then I have dental issues going on that have needed addressing for awhile now. Chipped my tooth on a bagel Saturday. A BAGEL. Yeah. And there is no help for anyone on Medicaid except in medical emergencies. So in theory I really could go in and get all my bad teeth ripped out and then be left looking like an 85-year-old woman. Which would be super attractive. Kids, brush your teeth when you are young! Well, brush them all time time, but especially when you are young and stupid and think you don't need to do anything so mundane as brushing your teeth! That combined with the medication I was on when I was very little doomed me, but...bleh.
So yeah, all of these things are flipping me out on a daily basis right now. And I am so stressed that I am crazy breaking out, which just adds to my stress.
WHAT IS THIS?!
I am so looking forward to Thursday night, it's ridiculous.