(no subject)
Well sure has been a while since i last updated and boy has life changed alot me and shawn are no longer anything turnes out he wanted to use me for money and realy wasnt that interested but couldent heve the guts to tell me but honestly that doesnt bother me as my rommates best friend oh my goodness hes the sweetest guy ever i met him a few tiems at the house then on new years he was at suburbs and boy was i drunk ended up telling him i liked him grabing his package and kissing him 3 times all in one night my favorite part about that night was before midnight i had licked his face at the bar ... a little spontainious but fun anyway i saw him walking by just before the countdown and said to him if your not kissing anyone at newyears come here cause i want to kiss u well just as the coundown started i saw him walk by and he told me he was dropping something off and he was comming back well the countdown ended and he wasnt there so i was gona go outside then i turned around and he was there and he said i told you id come back so i got to kiss him then !!! it was nicce throught the night on top of all the drinks i had had he bought me a few as well hes big into Jagermister which i didnt realy liek but honestly its much better than tequila which i was drinking so we had a few drinks together it was nice he took me upstairs to have a shot once with gabe onec just us it was nice then we went outside and i got to curl up in the "nook" it was so mmmm safe warm cozy it was good then the next day he came over and we watched a movie together it was nice honestly thats where good things stop for the most part.... well work has been stressfull mondya my glasses got lost so i had migranes for the day went home early stayed home searching my house for 2 days cause my contacts were burning my eyes luckily they were found but it was brutal ... then on thursday night work was busy so me and gabe couldent take our breaks together she ended up talking to jammie as he was sick and she felt bad told him shed go over to pick up her stuff and of course being her best friend i was there with her cause hes such a jerk i dont know if ive told you but he pinned her against a wall las tweek and when i wasnt there bent her rist back almost broke it and got banned form city center mall so to say the least i couldent let her go alone so we went over ther and he was so polite to her however to me he coulent have been more of a jerk he started out whith telling me i was a fat bitch on to a cow, slut , hoe , ya it went on then when gabe asked me to come closer he got angry to say the least threatend to hit me then told me to get out of his house that he was having somone come to kill me so ya i havent gone anywhere alone in 3 days plus last night the people i thought were my friends turned out to think less of me than i thougth britney made that quite clear that i was a fat bitch and no guy would ever be interested in me! ya im not taking life well i was doing so well not needing meds now i just want to curl up and die pauls there but hes busy with work so i havent seen him since last night i tryed crying myself to sleep but failed miserably sleeping doesnt do well for me i hate this alone feeling no one to talk to no one to hold me and tell me it will be ok just alone and i hate it i dont do the single thing well either its been so long im not use dto it and i have realized how alone i am it scares me and im so mad at my self tj is moving to dawson creek and wanted me to go out yesterday but i was so scared to leave my house alon i couldent go and now i wont see him for who knows how long so with gabe in calgary and not realy understanding how scared i realy am that i could go outside and be dead and all my other friends not realy there anymoer i never honestly realized how much i realy lost being with darren before him i could have 20 friends i could have called and cryed on the phone with but now non one im not sayign i would have done things differently but sure with i could change things now that its over i made up some lame ass excuse not to see my dad i coulnt tell him why i couldent leave my house alone hed freak so hes mad cause i said my rommates wanted help around the house instead i know i lied but its easyer than seeing him kill somone for threatening my life well wo knows what the furture holds but looks all downhill so fuck life it sucks and i swear if one more person gives me a lecutr on how i sholent let jammie get to me and control my life then they dont know what its like to be this scared! well ill keep u updated hopefuly things get better im hopping i can see paul tody but *shrug* i dono whats happening there either he knows im interested im prety shure he is but lifes busy so ??? whaterver talk later i hope!