Old Man Grumpus
So here's an exchange that occurred yesterday:
A dramatization in one act.
Damon Xanthopoulos, spritely chap...........a heavily sedated Ashton Kutcher
Jimmy Jimmerson, sandwich artist..................................Jonathan Lipnicki
SCENE: Goodlettsville Subway Restaurant, present day
Jimmy: What kinda bread you want?
Damon: Wheat.
Jimmy: Wait...is today December?
Damon: Well, today is December the first, yes.
Jimmy: Awesome! 28 more days and I'll be eighteen!
Damon: Oh, congratulations. Actually, in twelve days, I'll be twenty-four.
Jimmy: 24?
Damon: Yes? Birthdays get different as you get older.
Jimmy: Getting too old?
Damon: Well--
Jimmy: Man, I'd hope I never see twenty-four.
Damon: Yes, well...I'll have lettuce, tomatoes, olives, onions, mayonnaise and salt and pepper.
Jimmy: So...you got kids?
Damon: Excuse me?
Jimmy: Kids. You got kids?
Damon: Nooo...
Jimmy: A wife?
Damon: No.
Jimmy: A girlfriend?
*pause*
Damon: Yes.
Jimmy: Oh yeah?
*pause*
Damon: Yes.
Jimmy: Ya livin' with her?
Damon: No.
Jimmy: Just keeping things slow, then?
*pause*
Damon: Yes.
For once, that's exactly how it happened. How is twenty four old?! I still have no money and/or gumption! I don't vote conservative! How in the land of Fucklevania am I old!?!? Fuck that luncheon meat groping bastard!
So I think the Rivergate Gap will be closing. Since Candace left, we haven't gotten a new full-time manager and all things point to them not getting one. But we can't work with just two managers--they'd never have a day off! Not to mention, on the eleventh, we all of a sudden have a surprise meeting that's only scheduled to last an hour and the regional manager, Dee, will be there. And, may I add, she's never attended any meeting I've had before. So mark my words, fair readers, I will soon not be employed for Gap Inc. for much longer.
I know, I know..."Damon, how will you pay for cigarettes?" Well, that's covered. I'm probably going to go back to the test-grading place. Where I earned a hell of a lot more money and got a hell of a lot more laughs from reading the slow-witted kids our education system churns out, anyway.
Don't get offended by that last comment. If your mother or father or you work are teachers, I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming the Department of Education. And if your mother or father or you work for the Department of Education, I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming the teachers.
Oh, and finally, I forgot to mention in the last entry's list--Papa Roach. Could you sound anymore like 10th grade poetry?!?!
~Damon, the world's oldest twentysomething