People will pray I never get depressed again
I was really depressed and anxious this afternoon, so at one point I decided that I felt like writing. Yes, I realize that this means that there is something truly wrong with me, but we already knew that. So, I attempted to write a person like me and then that mythical perfect person who could get me out of it. The results? I deviated completely from what I originally thought I was going to write, but in the process, I seem to have cured myself of the worst of the anti-social tendencies. Who knew?
Only Nixon Can Go to China
“Hey.”
“Hm.”
[beat]
“It’s a beautiful moon tonight.”
“…The moon?”
“Why not?”
“…Ah.”
“C’mon. Just because I’ve never mentioned it before doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate nature’s beauties.”
“It’s cloudy.”
“Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful. Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a non-beautiful moon, so statistically speaking, I’m probably right. Even better, no one can disprove me. Win-win!”
“You’re babbling.”
“You’re not.”
“And…?”
“We both know who the verbal one is here, and I’m just proving why. Fantastically, might I add before you do.”
“Well, there goes my pithy one-liner.”
“Ha, ha! Victory!”
“What?”
“A full sentence. I knew you couldn’t resist a challenge.”
[rolls eyes] “Stick with the moon.”
“I did. That’s how we ended up here in the first place.”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Irredeemably. But how else could I get you to open up enough to dish on that rather sheepish-looking idiot who brought you here?”
“So, this was all a ploy to get gossip?”
“Of course! Why else do people go out to restaurants?”
“Brilliant strategy.”
“Yes, well. Plan A was to dazzle you with my poetic musings on the natural world, but that was banking on you not having looked out the window in the last 2 hours. Since you so cleverly sidestepped that one, you were stuck with Plan B: ‘Operation Logorrhea.’”
“Logorrhea?”
“Wait, you don’t know what that means?”
“No, I do, but…you do?”
“Just because I don’t read the dictionary with my morning coffee doesn’t mean I can’t have a rich vocabulary.”
“No, just being you does.”
“Beneath you. But, since this is an attempt to pull you out of your funk, I shall now pretend to be cut to the quick such that I must confess that that particular word did indeed come from a co-worker who, like you, belongs to the cult of the thesaurus. He was talking about his mother-in-law, I believe. Oh, and in my defense, the person he was talking to didn’t understand the word either.”
“You’re babbling again.”
“Yes, doesn’t it make you want to jump in and unleash some verbal abuse on me?”
“And validate your opinion of my personal life?”
“That would be an added bonus, but really, I’m just looking for some cutting comebacks for the next time someone whistles at me. You wouldn’t believe the reactions this body gets on the streets.”
“Beneath you this time. If you really wanted some witty rejoinder for your next cocktail party, you shouldn’t have given such a soft lob. I would never stoop to respond to that.”
“Which proves that you are more than ready to come rejoin the human race.”
“Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
“Of course. Now. Put on your best devil-may-care look, sharpen your tongue, and go and filet that loser alive.”
“Oh shut up you blithering wombat.”
“That’s the spirit!”
So there you have it sports fans. Proof that I can't write angst even when I try. Though I must admit, I do kinda like it. And if you comment, I'll even tell you who - in my mind - were speaking. Now there's a bribe for you.
I inflict this on you only because I was going to send it anamuan anyway, and at one point I was going to try and use the phrase "go medieval on their butt" until I realized that I know it only because of wakikaki , and I still don't really know what it means.
PS The picture is of what I completely expect anyone reading this to do. I do know my limits.
Only Nixon Can Go to China
“Hey.”
“Hm.”
[beat]
“It’s a beautiful moon tonight.”
“…The moon?”
“Why not?”
“…Ah.”
“C’mon. Just because I’ve never mentioned it before doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate nature’s beauties.”
“It’s cloudy.”
“Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful. Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a non-beautiful moon, so statistically speaking, I’m probably right. Even better, no one can disprove me. Win-win!”
“You’re babbling.”
“You’re not.”
“And…?”
“We both know who the verbal one is here, and I’m just proving why. Fantastically, might I add before you do.”
“Well, there goes my pithy one-liner.”
“Ha, ha! Victory!”
“What?”
“A full sentence. I knew you couldn’t resist a challenge.”
[rolls eyes] “Stick with the moon.”
“I did. That’s how we ended up here in the first place.”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Irredeemably. But how else could I get you to open up enough to dish on that rather sheepish-looking idiot who brought you here?”
“So, this was all a ploy to get gossip?”
“Of course! Why else do people go out to restaurants?”
“Brilliant strategy.”
“Yes, well. Plan A was to dazzle you with my poetic musings on the natural world, but that was banking on you not having looked out the window in the last 2 hours. Since you so cleverly sidestepped that one, you were stuck with Plan B: ‘Operation Logorrhea.’”
“Logorrhea?”
“Wait, you don’t know what that means?”
“No, I do, but…you do?”
“Just because I don’t read the dictionary with my morning coffee doesn’t mean I can’t have a rich vocabulary.”
“No, just being you does.”
“Beneath you. But, since this is an attempt to pull you out of your funk, I shall now pretend to be cut to the quick such that I must confess that that particular word did indeed come from a co-worker who, like you, belongs to the cult of the thesaurus. He was talking about his mother-in-law, I believe. Oh, and in my defense, the person he was talking to didn’t understand the word either.”
“You’re babbling again.”
“Yes, doesn’t it make you want to jump in and unleash some verbal abuse on me?”
“And validate your opinion of my personal life?”
“That would be an added bonus, but really, I’m just looking for some cutting comebacks for the next time someone whistles at me. You wouldn’t believe the reactions this body gets on the streets.”
“Beneath you this time. If you really wanted some witty rejoinder for your next cocktail party, you shouldn’t have given such a soft lob. I would never stoop to respond to that.”
“Which proves that you are more than ready to come rejoin the human race.”
“Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
“Of course. Now. Put on your best devil-may-care look, sharpen your tongue, and go and filet that loser alive.”
“Oh shut up you blithering wombat.”
“That’s the spirit!”
So there you have it sports fans. Proof that I can't write angst even when I try. Though I must admit, I do kinda like it. And if you comment, I'll even tell you who - in my mind - were speaking. Now there's a bribe for you.
I inflict this on you only because I was going to send it anamuan anyway, and at one point I was going to try and use the phrase "go medieval on their butt" until I realized that I know it only because of wakikaki , and I still don't really know what it means.
PS The picture is of what I completely expect anyone reading this to do. I do know my limits.