it seems I've managed to fuck it up even more
So I was lonely today and I asked Hat in a text if he still loves me. No reply for an hour. I had to prompt him and he finally sends back "I don't know what to say."
I knew something was off. I don't know what's going on. I had a good time on Monday and I really liked being with him. When he kissed me for the first time, he stopped being friends with me. Maybe because I've had sex with him, he's trying to dodge again? He used to actually try to talk to me then it died down and I feel like he doesn't want to anymore.
Then I sent back a message, asking if I could call. He said he was going to bed. He really can't take 20 minutes to tell me what's going on?
I just feel like crying. I don't know what I did wrong. He still says things that make me feel like he likes me, so I thought maybe it was just in my head, but obviously it's not. How am I supposed to take this crap from George and then turn around to take this disappointment from Hat?
Just, what the hell does life expect from me? Am I a bad person? Am I too clingy? Do I want too much? Do I deserve to be alone forever?
I'm concerned too that he just has stuff going on with other girls. Honestly, I've wanted to ask, but I've been too scared.
I'm really confused. I thought he was into me. He's been saying nice things, still. Maybe the more time he spends with me, the more comfortable I get, but the more he sees things about me he doesn't like. I'm probably not a very likeable person.
I hope he doesn't feel like I've been stringing him along while I wait for George. He said he wasn't into that when we started talking again and I don't want to treat him like that. I'm trying not to. I don't want him to think he deserves less than what he really does, but trying to sort out my own feelings makes it harder. I constantly doubt myself. Am I using him? Is this treating him like less?
I think I told him yesterday that being with him makes me feel less lonely. Did he take that weird? Is that all I see in him? I feel like it's not, like I actually fucking like him, but I can't put into words anything definitive.
Mom says not to take it too seriously. I think she's mad at me. She was in the living room when this conversation happened, so she saw me get depressed and asked what happened. I told her and she tried to give me some advice, which I rejected by saying I didn't want to talk about it. Everything she said but the last thing was really unhelpful and I just don't feel ready to talk about it yet. I don't even know what just happened here or how he feels about me now.
I really just fuck up everything I touch, don't I? I can feel that willingness to live just slipping away. I almost hope I have cancer, just so I don't have to think about whether or not I should commit suicide. I'd still rather have the choice, though. I'm not wishing cancer on myself just yet, but I am wishing I get into an accident and fall into a coma for a while, like an unconscious vacation. I need a break from just feeling depressed and angry all the time.
I want George to call me tonight, but he probably won't since I haven't been answering and he has a girlfriend anyway, so what does he care about me?
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