A Day At The Beach
Today was sort of an emotional roller coaster. Mike and I got up earlier than either of us had planned, which was actually pretty great. My best friend Kaylee asked if I had any interest in going to the Beach and since the stupid car is in the shop she said she'd come all the way out and get us. Mike and I did some yard work before she got there which is good because the yard has become crazy since I ran over a small log with the riding mower.
Anyway- for some reason all morning we were sort of snipping at each other. I have no idea why, but it was just one of those types of mornings. Then when we were getting ready to leave, I went into the bedroom with Mike real quick to grab some last minute stuff and then left. I realized I'd forgotten deodorant or something, and went back in an there was Mike, freaking out like a little kid and trying to put what ever he had in his hand back underneath the mattress. It was bottle with a couple of pills in it. And this is where my day quickly went to shit.
The thing is...Mike has a slight pill problem. The problem with that is he's got a prescription for Vicodin because of a bad shoulder. It's been a constant struggle for the last three years, watching him abuse the pills because it's a quick way to relieve stress and they are right there. He often lies to me about how many he's taken and blah blah blah. The pills aren't the problem for me. He's priorities are in order, and when I ask him to cut back often times he does. I've been with him for 3 years, I know when he's taken them and I know when he hasn't. We've talked about the fact that he's not an asshole to me when he's on the pills, it's just that he's...different. Not mean, not annoying, just not quite...him.
It's the lying. It bothers me how fucking automatic it is. He's lied to me about pot...when I've smoked with him the day before. He's lied when he knows I know the truth...and then he lies about lying to me. Then...a month down the road when I question him about it, he tells me a lie, and then gets mad because I don't trust him. It's so frustrating.
Today...I honestly thought about leaving. I talked to Kaylee about everything when we went to the beach and had a minute alone, and she said she wouldn't put up with that type of shit. I told her I understood that but my question was:
Is he worth it. Not in general, but in relation to my life and everything else that comes with him. Am I stupid for being compelled to work through it? I am willing to deal with it if it means that I get to be with him. This does not mean turning a blind eye. This does not mean I will just blithely go one like nothing has happened. We will continue to talk about it, and work through it. I would like us to eventually go to counseling, but he is pretty against it. He says he doesn't feel that other people should know our lives like that. I think I will push the issue further, but slowly to keep him from being too defensive. I just think it is something that is important for both of us. I am in no way shape or form under the impression that the lying will go away just from today. However, we have a commitment ceremony we are planning for the end of September, and if I want him to take it seriously (and beyond what went on today, I really think he does) then I need to take it seriously too. I tell people all the time that I consider us married in our hearts, so I can't walk away just because it gets tough from time to time.
At first when I was upset, like minutes after I busted him he was sort of mean. Or actually, he was mean. I told him how upset I was and he told me he didn't care. He does this when he's busted and he doesn't know how to handle it. Obviously it hurts me, but not just because his words are hurtful, but everyone knows that feeling of being busted and not quite knowing what the consequences will be yet. It's scary and everyone reacts to it differently. Later though, while we were at the beach we got a chance to talk about it, and I explained to him that when we split last year, it was needed, and there was a lot of stuff that I was doing that was destroying our relationship. However, I never lied. He replied that if I wanted to break up then go. I made sure that he knew (over and over again actually) that I had no intention of leaving (I did at first, but as stated above I have decided I will stay by his side). Then I explained that I have done nothing to deserve being lied to...and after I talked for a while he told me that I didn't deserve what he did to me, and that he hates that he lies to me. He also sort of admitted that it isn't going to stop most likely. He said he didn't know why I would want to be with a drug addict, which I don't consider him. He only says he is when he gets busted lying.
He was pretty anti-social for a while...hours actually. He finally started to perk up once we left the beach. That whole time, after I had said my peace about how he made me feel I tried my best to reassure him as to how much he meant to me. he apologized for having been a horrible boyfriend quite a few times at the beach and I tried to tell him that he's not a horrible boyfriend, he just has a trait that could be bad for us. I do too, we're human, it's what happens. I told him that I am not going anywhere, and reminded me that he's the love of my life. he told me he shouldn't be, and I reminded him that that would be my choice to make.
When we came home, we talked about it at little more. I got some details about the pills and reminded him that I wasn't mad that he had them, I was mad that I had given him quite a few chances to tell me the truth. See over the last few days I knew he was out of his prescription but noticed that he was super tired and kept bugging me about stuff which is his normal Vicodin behavior. I asked him if he had gotten pills from someone, he said no. I asked him again later, he said no. It makes me upset and hurt that he would lie, when I had given him an out to tell the truth. I asked him this evening if he lied because he thought he'd lose me over the truth, and he said yes, but I don't feel comfortable with those types of questions, it's too easy to say what the person your talking to wants to hear.
We've decided to put it behind us for the day, but will continue to talk about it. Somehow I feel better knowing that I want to stay, even though it will be hard sometimes. I know that, that's what I'm here for.