(no subject)
Having accidentally downloaded a (poorly) subbed version of Advent Children Complete, and to demonstrate my love for the FFCast (ILU ALL), I have done a thing. It's possible that I made errors here and there or forgotten to transcribe scenes that weren't in the original; if so, I will see if I can fix them, but I think I got almost all of them.
Thus, without further ado,
KARMA PRODUCTIONS
A DIVISION OF BLUNT AND RUDE, LLC.
A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF GHAZPORK INDUSTRIAL
PRESENTS
[SCENE 1: the UTENA ELEVATOR, probably purchased WHOLESALE.]
Kadaj: Why does humankind even bother? You wreck everything that you make, then you start over, like it'll be different next time.
Rufus: I suppose we're no good at facing our memories. We'd rather 'gild the past.' Find something worthwhile among the rubble, and build a future with that.
Kadaj: And that's why you salvaged Mother? To 'gild the past'?
[SCRIBE'S NOTE: Kadaj's hips don't lie. Also, he sashays.]
Rufus: We were trying to rid ourselves of a more...immediate problem.
Kadaj: You can't mean the stigma! But you're the ones who brought that on yourselves in the first place. Well, now. I guess you really do have a short memory.
Rufus: Heh. No. Not me. You see, it is my choice to forget.
[CUT TO SCENE 2: a HELICOPTER above JENOVA'S CRATER.]
Elena: Tseng! [SOMETHING I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME MAKE OUT, FUCK YOU DOUBLED AUDIO]
Rude: [SOMETHING ELSE I CAN'T MAKE OUT]
Elena: [WHO THE FUCK KNOWS AT THIS POINT]
Reno: Who cares, just get the damn thing!
Tseng: Reno! The chopper!
Reno: You got it.
[GUNFIRE.]
Elena: Reno! Hurry!
Tseng: What the hell is that?!
[COMBAT, or possible SEX, ENSUES. It's hard to tell. THE HELICOPTER TAKES OFF.]
[MARLENE summarizes FF7 in an ADORABLE FASHION.]
[SCENE 3: Midgard, the MONUMENT TO THE LIFESTREAM. A SMALL CHILD puts FLOWERS on the MONUMENT.]
[A BAND of KIDS are watching a CRANE put in a new OFFICE BUILDING. They EXCLAIM WITH WONDER. Their attention is caught by a MAN WITH GEOSTIGMA. His arm looks like the LOTUS TIT and he APPEARS TO BE MELTING.]
Kid: ...uh, let's go.
[The KIDS RUN AWAY. They splash DIRTY WATER on DENZEL AND MARLENE as they go. MARLENE AND DENZEL are approached by the MAN WITH GEOSTIGMA, who MELTS AGGRESSIVELY AT THEM.]
Marlene VO: But it looks like the Planet is a lot madder than we thought...
[CUT TO SCENE 3: The STRIFE RESIDENCE. DENZEL is in BED and MARLENE is WATCHING HIM SLEEP.]
Marlene VO: They call it Geostigma.
[DENZEL is MELTING from his FOREHEAD, but only slightly. He WAKES UP.]
Denzel: Well, Marlene? How does it look?
[MARLENE does not respond, but starts WIPING OFF THE GUNK.]
Marlene VO: Whatever it is, please don't take Denzel away...
[CUT TO SCENE 4: TIFA'S BAR.]
Radio Announcer: The [INAUDIBLE] special report this morning has revealed that Lifestream concentration this year has dropped to a mere hundredth of the levels two years ago, and now poses no threat to the human body. However, the concentration [INAUDIBLE]...
Tifa On Phone: He's not here anymore...
Radio Announcer: ...Mako reactors, to prevent the onset of geostigma, the [INAUDIBLE] does advise that you stay away from these facilities and surrounding areas. Next up: ShinRa Company held financially responsible for the crisis...
Marlene: Cloud....where are you....
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
Tifa: Hello, Strife Delivery Service.....may I ask who's calling?.... [laughs] Oh, boy, I remember you.
[FIGHT SCENE: THE MOTORCYCLE/MONSTER BRAWL. The major addition here is a BIG, SCRUFFY WOLF sniffing around ZACK'S SWORD. It's VERY SYMBOLIC.]
[SCENE 5: DENZEL is in BED. He does not appear to be HEALTHY.]
Denzel: Guess that was the last straw...
[CUT TO SCENE 6: THE SHINRA SHACK. CLOUD is MOTORCYCLING IN for some EXPOSITION and GOOD TIMES.]
[CLOUD abuses RENO and RUDE before RUFUS wheels in.]
Rufus: Good. You fight like the SOLDIER you once claimed to be. You haven't lost your touch.
Cloud: Rufus Shinra...? Do I feel sorry for you.
Rufus: The day of the explosion--
Cloud: What do you want from me?
Rufus: I've managed to get ahold of--
Cloud: Who were those [fools?] who attacked me?
Rufus: [TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING]
Cloud: I'M LEAVING.
[EVERYBODY STOPS TALKING, THANK GOD.]
Rufus: We need your assistance, Cloud.
Cloud: Not interested.
Rufus: I acknowledge that ShinRa owes the planet a lot. It goes without saying that my company and I are the ones who put the world in the sorry state it's in. Therefore, it's our responsibility to set things right. As a first step, we have commenced an investigation in Sephiroth's wake. It's been two years; now that the world is on its feet again, what poses the greatest threat? Well, that one's easy: Geostigma. And we have reason to think Sephiroth is the one responsible. The populace, they blame mako, the reactors, and even the Lifestream for causing the stigma. However, isn't that blame misplaced? The Lifestream has existed for as long as the planet, and even mako energy has been part of our lives for over forty years. And yet, there's no mention of the stigma in recorded history. So, what happened during our time to change all that? I can think of only one thing: the arrival of Sephiroth.
Cloud: Sephiroth is dead.
Rufus: Yes, but has his mind died? What if he somehow dissolved into the Lifestream, coursing through the planet undiffused?
[CLOUD makes an O_o FACE]
Rufus: I know, it is merely my speculation, but it is possible, isn't it? And we can't cure the stigma until we know the truth. So we took action. We went to look for traces of Sephiroth. We started...do you know where?
[RENO yells the CORRECT ANSWER through the door]
Rufus: And what do you think we found?
[CLOUD makes an O_O face]
Rufus: Relax. We didn't find anything. However, not all went as planned. We were...interrupted.
[VIOLENT CAMERA IMAGERY of KADAJ making his LEATHER CATSUIT APPEAR. Also, TSENG got P0WNED. It sucks to be TSENG.]
Rufus: Kadaj and his gang. Kadaj...will be after you as well. [SOMETHING ABOUT THE FOUNDING]
Cloud: How?
Rufus: Your ties to Sephiroth run as deep as ours do. If Kadaj's purpose is to do whatever is necessary to prepare for the moment, we stand in the way as his greatest threat.
Cloud: Moment?
Rufus: Sephiroth. Reborn.
Cloud: Are you done talking?
Rufus: Let's get to the issue at hand. In order to combat Kadaj, we need someone with your expertise. Will you join us, former SOLDIER Cloud?
Cloud: [SOMETHING] in my head. What's this stuff about Mother?
Rufus: Why? Did Kadaj mention something?
Cloud: Rufus, if you're hiding something...
Rufus: I never keep a secret. Not from a comrade.
[AT THIS POINT, THE ENTIRE WORLD BEGINS TO LAUGH SIMULTANEOUSLY.]
Rufus: You must want to learn all you can about the stigma. Naturally, for the sake of those orphans you live with. Surely you want to see the smiles return to their faces. All we want, in the end, is to rebuild our world, Cloud.
Cloud: I...
Reno: C'mon, Cloud, think about it! Together we could rebuild ShinRa--
Cloud: NOT INTERESTED. [LEAVES]
Rufus and Rude: [SIGH] Reno....
[SCENE 7: THE CHURCH. TIFA and MARLENE are looking for CLOUD.]
Marlene: Does Cloud live here?
Tifa: I guess so.
[MARLENE picks up a CLOTH with GEOSTIGMA GUNK.]
Marlene: It's just like Denzel. Is Cloud sick?
Tifa: ...why didn't he say something...?
Marlene: Did he leave because he's sick?
Tifa: He just...[SOMETHING].
Marlene: Why?
Tifa: [SOMETHING]. I don't think that he will.
Marlene: Tifa?
Tifa: Let's go home, Marlene, okay?
Marlene: We can't! Cloud's not here yet!
Tifa: I know, sweetie. I miss him too.
Marlene: Mm!
Tifa: So, we won't go home. Not until he...gets a lecture.
Marlene: I'll help!
[CUT TO SCENE 8: SHINRA SHACK. RENO and RUDE are COMPARING NOTES.]
Reno: Now we just gotta find Elena and the Director. Local employees give you any leads?
Rude: No. Nothing yet.
Reno: Whoda thunk? A lot of ShinRa's people actually returned to work. Now that's dedication. I'm telling you, this could be a fresh start!
Rude: Well. Those left alive have a lot to atone for.
Reno: Two years already...huh. Seems a lot longer than that. What a nightmare...the world was nearly obliterated, and we were the obliterators. Seriously, though. How are we ever supposed to atone for that? Too bad the Director's not around, you know?
Rude: Elena, too.
Reno: Hope they're alive...
Rude: They are. Tseng's just like the President. They're kinda like cats. Nine lives, you know?
Reno: You got that right!
[EVIL SMOKE begins POURING THROUGH THE DOORFRAME. RENO and RUDE prepare for BATTLE.]
[CUT TO: SCENE 9. It is a FLASHBACK. DENZEL is SAD and ALONE with a POINTY STICK. He MELTS PITEOUSLY and STEALS CLOUD'S PHONE from his MOTORCYCLE. He calls TIFA, but is cockblocked by the PHONE COMPANY. Then he ISN'T.]
Tifa: Cloud? You never call. Is something wrong?
Denzel: Uuuh.
Tifa: Cloud...?
Denzel: ....no, ma'am....
Tifa: Then who is this? Why are you on Cloud's phone?
[DENZEL starts to CRY]
Tifa: Hey, are you crying?
[DENZEL collapses. CLOUD saves him. The FLASHBACK ENDS. DENZEL hears a MOTORCYCLE, but it is not CLOUD. Instead, it is YAZOO and his UNSAFE DRIVING PRACTICES.]
[CUT TO SCENE 10: SHINRA SHACK. RENO and RUDE have been ABUSED, as is the CUSTOM for all VISITORS. KADAJ is bitching at RUFUS like a SPURNED CHEERLEADER.]
Kadaj: Boy, do I hate liars!
Rufus: I apologize. This time, you get the truth. The object you seek fell from the helicopter. I'm afraid we were careless.
Kadaj: Is that right.
Rufus: I swear it.
Kadaj: Fine. Then swear on these.
[He has TSENG and ELENA'S ID CARDS. OH NOES!]
Rufus: Why did you do this?
Kadaj: I need Mother's power. The Reunion is coming, and we need her.
Rufus: Reunion...
Kadaj: My brothers and sisters who share Mother's cells will all assemble, and together we'll take revenge on the planet!
[He GIGGLES like a SCHOOLGIRL]
Kadaj: We've already sent out the invitations, but, you know, someone's gone and hidden the guest of honor.
Rufus: Invitations?
Kadaj: The stigma? But you know all about that, sir. Mother's memetic legacy lives on in the Lifestream [SOMETHING] mako [SOMETHING]. She does so much for us, and we can't even find her! But what can we do? We're just remnants. [SOMETHING] remnants of Mother's legacy. Until we find Mother and receive her cells, we can't be whole again! The Geostigma and the legacy aren't enough. Not for a true reunion.
Rufus: Reunion?
Kadaj: But sir! Surely you've noticed.
[KADAJ shows off his FLEXIBILITY. This causes FLASHBACKS. A SCENE PASSES in which DENZEL is SPURNED by another TINY GIRL and her MELTING BROTHER.]
[SCENE 11: CLOUD is putting ZACK'S SWORD back in the CLIFF.]
Cloud: I said I'd live out both our lives. Easy to make that promise...
[CLOUD has FLASHBACKS]
Zack: So, ya wanna be in SOLDIER?
Zack: Hang in there.
Zack: Hey, you okay?
Zack: Well! What are you gonna do once you get to Midgard?
Zack: We're friends, right?
[SHINRA SOLDIERS shoot at their PICKUP TRUCK. ZACK covers CLOUD with his BODY. This is TOTALLY UNSUGGESTIVE, REALLY.]
Zack: My dreams...they're yours now. You'll be...my living legacy.
[The FLASHBACK ENDS]
Cloud: I swore that I would never forget. I tried, but I...
[CLOUD has SEPHIROTH-RELATED SEIZURES]
Ominous Sephiroth Voice: Pretend to be sad. Why tremble, when there's nothing there? Face it, Cloud. All you are is an empty puppet.
[SEPHIROTH is STILL CRAZY. WHO'S SURPRISED.]
[THE FIGHT WITH TIFA AND LOZ happens. TIFA LOSES.]
[SCENE XX: Midgard. DENZEL is BROODING, just like his ADOPTIVE DADDY. The GIRL WHO SPURNED HIM approaches.]
Girl: Sorry about before. Thank you.
Denzel: Sure.
Girl: My little brother...he's gone.
Denzel: So I see.
Girl: Hey. I know you've got it too. Come on, they'll fix us.
[THE GIRL leads DENZEL to a PICKUP TRUCK full of GEOSTIGMA CHILDREN. KADAJ is here. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[CLOUD finds TIFA UNCONSCIOUS, starts MELTING, then PASSES OUT. From the LIFESTREAM, AERIS casts CURE3. CLOUD and TIFA sleep curled up together. It's CUTE.]
[CLOUD wakes up in BED. TIFA is also in BED although not the SAME BED. THE TURKS are here. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
Reno: You know, you're pretty heavy.
Rude: Aren't there some kids living with you?
Reno: 'Cause they ain't here.
Rude: You don't care?
Cloud: I just....
[RENO and RUDE sigh in unison.]
Reno: All right, later.(?)
[THEY LEAVE. CLOUD FLASHES BACK to adopting DENZEL. It's CUTE.]
[CUT TO: KADAJ'S PEDOVAN.]
Denzel: [SOMETHING] they're gonna fix us?
Girl: I dunno.
Denzel: Whatever. Like it matters anymore.
[KADAJ, LOZ and YAZOO fondle BALLS while MARLENE WATCHES. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[CUT TO: STRIFE RESIDENCE. TIFA wakes up. IT IS DARK, but she is UNLIKELY to be EATEN BY A GRUE.]
Cloud: Reno and Rude are out looking.
Tifa: You have geostigma, don't you. You're gonna give up and die, is that it? [SIGH] That's how it is.
Cloud: There's no cure.
Tifa: Yeah, but...that's not stopping Denzel, is it? Let's fight together...we can help each other, I know we can!
Cloud: ....
Tifa: I guess that only works for real families.
Cloud: Tifa...I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family...not my friends...nobody.
Tifa: [NONSENSE NOISES]
Cloud: ...?
[THE TURKS appear, apparently from NOWHERE.]
Reno: I think she wants you to move on, man.
Tifa: Did you find them?!
Reno: No...only a witness. Kadaj's gang took the kids.
Cloud: Where are they?
Rude: They're at their base now. The Forgotten City.
[CUT TO: KADAJ'S FOREST PLAYHOUSE. KADAJ is addressing A CHOIR OF CREEPY CHILDREN. He EXPOSITS and then TURNS THE WATER BLACK. Perhaps he should BATHE MORE OFTEN. THE CHILDREN drink his BATHWATER and become SEPHIROTH. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[THE BATTLE IN THE FORGOTTEN CITY HAPPENS. VINCENT saves CLOUD'S ASS, but loses his PHONE. VINCENT EXPOSITS. EVERYONE calls CLOUD SIMULTANEOUSLY while his PHONE is GONE. KADAJ'S POSSE attacks the MONUMENT. RENO and RUDE are ABUSED]
[CUT TO: CLOUD'S MOTORCYCLE. MARLENE pokes CLOUD'S GEOSTIGMA.]
Marlene: Does it hurt?
Cloud: A bit. But not as bad as Denzel's.
Marlene: Is there a cure?
Cloud: I dunno.
Marlene: After all you did...you've been trying so hard to find a cure for Denzel.
Cloud: ...you know that?
Marlene: Cloud, you should clean off your desk once in a while.
Cloud: Maybe I should.
Marlene: So, is that why? Is that the reason why you had to leave, Cloud? Because you couldn't fix Denzel?
[CLOUD looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
Marlene: Or because you have the sickness too?
Cloud: I just thought...I couldn't care for myself. Let alone anyone else.
[MARLENE mimics BARRET'S ACCENT. It's ADORABLE.]
Marlene: How you s'posed to look aftah yo family if ya can't even look afta yo'self? Or, at least Daddy says so. Cloud, don't give up.
Cloud: In the past you've always looked after me. You, Denzel, Tifa...you were there whenever I needed you. And now, it's my turn.
[A LOT OF FIGHTING HAPPENS. THE TURKS commit HOMOEROTIC SUICIDE to slow KADAJ'S MINIONS. CLOUD beats on KADAJ who evolves into SEPHIROTH who beats on CLOUD. CLOUD has a VISION at 1 HP.]
Zack: So what if it looks hopeless? If it were me, I still wouldn't give up. You embrace your dreams, and, whatever happens, protect your honor as SOLDIER. ...well, okay, you never made SOLDIER. But it's what's in here [taps chest] that counts.
[CLOUD looks TRANSCENDENTLY HAPPY and also BLEEDS]
Cloud: Zack...
Zack: Well? You need a hand with him?
[CLOUD GETS BACK UP.]
Zack: You already beat him once, didn't you? This should be a cinch.
Cloud: Yeah...
Zack: Cloud. You know what I told you.
Cloud: That's right. I am your living legacy.
[CLOUD uses OMNISLASH. It's SUPER-EFFECTIVE. SEPHIROTH devolves into KADAJ, who MISTAKES AERIS for JENOVA and then DIES. LOZ and YAZOO shoot CLOUD in the BACK, and then EXPLODE. CLOUD has a VISION. SOMEONE is PETTING HIS HAIR.]
Cloud: Mom?
Aeris: Again? Why is everyone calling me their mother these days?
Zack: I guess they must be fond of you.
Aeris: This one's a little too big to adopt.
Zack: [SOMETHING], friend (sounds like “boyfriend”). Sounds like you don't have a place here.
[THAT SCRUFFY WOLF sniffs CLOUD'S FACE. The VISION ENDS. CLOUD BAPTIZES CHILDREN and CURES GEOSTIGMA, like JESUS IN A WAY. EVERYONE IS HAPPY. AERIS tells CLOUD that EVERYTHING IS FINE, and ZACK gives him a COME-HITHER LOOK.]
[THE CREDITS ROLL. CLOUD tools around on his BIKE through FIELDS OF FLOWERS. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[SCENE: THE CLIFF. ZACK'S SWORD has been replaced by FLOWERS.]
Denzel: Is this someone's grave?
Cloud: No. This is where a hero began his journey.
[CUT TO: THE CHURCH, where ZACK'S SWORD is standing, POLISHED.]
[FIN]
Thus, without further ado,
KARMA PRODUCTIONS
A DIVISION OF BLUNT AND RUDE, LLC.
A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF GHAZPORK INDUSTRIAL
PRESENTS
[SCENE 1: the UTENA ELEVATOR, probably purchased WHOLESALE.]
Kadaj: Why does humankind even bother? You wreck everything that you make, then you start over, like it'll be different next time.
Rufus: I suppose we're no good at facing our memories. We'd rather 'gild the past.' Find something worthwhile among the rubble, and build a future with that.
Kadaj: And that's why you salvaged Mother? To 'gild the past'?
[SCRIBE'S NOTE: Kadaj's hips don't lie. Also, he sashays.]
Rufus: We were trying to rid ourselves of a more...immediate problem.
Kadaj: You can't mean the stigma! But you're the ones who brought that on yourselves in the first place. Well, now. I guess you really do have a short memory.
Rufus: Heh. No. Not me. You see, it is my choice to forget.
[CUT TO SCENE 2: a HELICOPTER above JENOVA'S CRATER.]
Elena: Tseng! [SOMETHING I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME MAKE OUT, FUCK YOU DOUBLED AUDIO]
Rude: [SOMETHING ELSE I CAN'T MAKE OUT]
Elena: [WHO THE FUCK KNOWS AT THIS POINT]
Reno: Who cares, just get the damn thing!
Tseng: Reno! The chopper!
Reno: You got it.
[GUNFIRE.]
Elena: Reno! Hurry!
Tseng: What the hell is that?!
[COMBAT, or possible SEX, ENSUES. It's hard to tell. THE HELICOPTER TAKES OFF.]
[MARLENE summarizes FF7 in an ADORABLE FASHION.]
[SCENE 3: Midgard, the MONUMENT TO THE LIFESTREAM. A SMALL CHILD puts FLOWERS on the MONUMENT.]
[A BAND of KIDS are watching a CRANE put in a new OFFICE BUILDING. They EXCLAIM WITH WONDER. Their attention is caught by a MAN WITH GEOSTIGMA. His arm looks like the LOTUS TIT and he APPEARS TO BE MELTING.]
Kid: ...uh, let's go.
[The KIDS RUN AWAY. They splash DIRTY WATER on DENZEL AND MARLENE as they go. MARLENE AND DENZEL are approached by the MAN WITH GEOSTIGMA, who MELTS AGGRESSIVELY AT THEM.]
Marlene VO: But it looks like the Planet is a lot madder than we thought...
[CUT TO SCENE 3: The STRIFE RESIDENCE. DENZEL is in BED and MARLENE is WATCHING HIM SLEEP.]
Marlene VO: They call it Geostigma.
[DENZEL is MELTING from his FOREHEAD, but only slightly. He WAKES UP.]
Denzel: Well, Marlene? How does it look?
[MARLENE does not respond, but starts WIPING OFF THE GUNK.]
Marlene VO: Whatever it is, please don't take Denzel away...
[CUT TO SCENE 4: TIFA'S BAR.]
Radio Announcer: The [INAUDIBLE] special report this morning has revealed that Lifestream concentration this year has dropped to a mere hundredth of the levels two years ago, and now poses no threat to the human body. However, the concentration [INAUDIBLE]...
Tifa On Phone: He's not here anymore...
Radio Announcer: ...Mako reactors, to prevent the onset of geostigma, the [INAUDIBLE] does advise that you stay away from these facilities and surrounding areas. Next up: ShinRa Company held financially responsible for the crisis...
Marlene: Cloud....where are you....
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
Tifa: Hello, Strife Delivery Service.....may I ask who's calling?.... [laughs] Oh, boy, I remember you.
[FIGHT SCENE: THE MOTORCYCLE/MONSTER BRAWL. The major addition here is a BIG, SCRUFFY WOLF sniffing around ZACK'S SWORD. It's VERY SYMBOLIC.]
[SCENE 5: DENZEL is in BED. He does not appear to be HEALTHY.]
Denzel: Guess that was the last straw...
[CUT TO SCENE 6: THE SHINRA SHACK. CLOUD is MOTORCYCLING IN for some EXPOSITION and GOOD TIMES.]
[CLOUD abuses RENO and RUDE before RUFUS wheels in.]
Rufus: Good. You fight like the SOLDIER you once claimed to be. You haven't lost your touch.
Cloud: Rufus Shinra...? Do I feel sorry for you.
Rufus: The day of the explosion--
Cloud: What do you want from me?
Rufus: I've managed to get ahold of--
Cloud: Who were those [fools?] who attacked me?
Rufus: [TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING]
Cloud: I'M LEAVING.
[EVERYBODY STOPS TALKING, THANK GOD.]
Rufus: We need your assistance, Cloud.
Cloud: Not interested.
Rufus: I acknowledge that ShinRa owes the planet a lot. It goes without saying that my company and I are the ones who put the world in the sorry state it's in. Therefore, it's our responsibility to set things right. As a first step, we have commenced an investigation in Sephiroth's wake. It's been two years; now that the world is on its feet again, what poses the greatest threat? Well, that one's easy: Geostigma. And we have reason to think Sephiroth is the one responsible. The populace, they blame mako, the reactors, and even the Lifestream for causing the stigma. However, isn't that blame misplaced? The Lifestream has existed for as long as the planet, and even mako energy has been part of our lives for over forty years. And yet, there's no mention of the stigma in recorded history. So, what happened during our time to change all that? I can think of only one thing: the arrival of Sephiroth.
Cloud: Sephiroth is dead.
Rufus: Yes, but has his mind died? What if he somehow dissolved into the Lifestream, coursing through the planet undiffused?
[CLOUD makes an O_o FACE]
Rufus: I know, it is merely my speculation, but it is possible, isn't it? And we can't cure the stigma until we know the truth. So we took action. We went to look for traces of Sephiroth. We started...do you know where?
[RENO yells the CORRECT ANSWER through the door]
Rufus: And what do you think we found?
[CLOUD makes an O_O face]
Rufus: Relax. We didn't find anything. However, not all went as planned. We were...interrupted.
[VIOLENT CAMERA IMAGERY of KADAJ making his LEATHER CATSUIT APPEAR. Also, TSENG got P0WNED. It sucks to be TSENG.]
Rufus: Kadaj and his gang. Kadaj...will be after you as well. [SOMETHING ABOUT THE FOUNDING]
Cloud: How?
Rufus: Your ties to Sephiroth run as deep as ours do. If Kadaj's purpose is to do whatever is necessary to prepare for the moment, we stand in the way as his greatest threat.
Cloud: Moment?
Rufus: Sephiroth. Reborn.
Cloud: Are you done talking?
Rufus: Let's get to the issue at hand. In order to combat Kadaj, we need someone with your expertise. Will you join us, former SOLDIER Cloud?
Cloud: [SOMETHING] in my head. What's this stuff about Mother?
Rufus: Why? Did Kadaj mention something?
Cloud: Rufus, if you're hiding something...
Rufus: I never keep a secret. Not from a comrade.
[AT THIS POINT, THE ENTIRE WORLD BEGINS TO LAUGH SIMULTANEOUSLY.]
Rufus: You must want to learn all you can about the stigma. Naturally, for the sake of those orphans you live with. Surely you want to see the smiles return to their faces. All we want, in the end, is to rebuild our world, Cloud.
Cloud: I...
Reno: C'mon, Cloud, think about it! Together we could rebuild ShinRa--
Cloud: NOT INTERESTED. [LEAVES]
Rufus and Rude: [SIGH] Reno....
[SCENE 7: THE CHURCH. TIFA and MARLENE are looking for CLOUD.]
Marlene: Does Cloud live here?
Tifa: I guess so.
[MARLENE picks up a CLOTH with GEOSTIGMA GUNK.]
Marlene: It's just like Denzel. Is Cloud sick?
Tifa: ...why didn't he say something...?
Marlene: Did he leave because he's sick?
Tifa: He just...[SOMETHING].
Marlene: Why?
Tifa: [SOMETHING]. I don't think that he will.
Marlene: Tifa?
Tifa: Let's go home, Marlene, okay?
Marlene: We can't! Cloud's not here yet!
Tifa: I know, sweetie. I miss him too.
Marlene: Mm!
Tifa: So, we won't go home. Not until he...gets a lecture.
Marlene: I'll help!
[CUT TO SCENE 8: SHINRA SHACK. RENO and RUDE are COMPARING NOTES.]
Reno: Now we just gotta find Elena and the Director. Local employees give you any leads?
Rude: No. Nothing yet.
Reno: Whoda thunk? A lot of ShinRa's people actually returned to work. Now that's dedication. I'm telling you, this could be a fresh start!
Rude: Well. Those left alive have a lot to atone for.
Reno: Two years already...huh. Seems a lot longer than that. What a nightmare...the world was nearly obliterated, and we were the obliterators. Seriously, though. How are we ever supposed to atone for that? Too bad the Director's not around, you know?
Rude: Elena, too.
Reno: Hope they're alive...
Rude: They are. Tseng's just like the President. They're kinda like cats. Nine lives, you know?
Reno: You got that right!
[EVIL SMOKE begins POURING THROUGH THE DOORFRAME. RENO and RUDE prepare for BATTLE.]
[CUT TO: SCENE 9. It is a FLASHBACK. DENZEL is SAD and ALONE with a POINTY STICK. He MELTS PITEOUSLY and STEALS CLOUD'S PHONE from his MOTORCYCLE. He calls TIFA, but is cockblocked by the PHONE COMPANY. Then he ISN'T.]
Tifa: Cloud? You never call. Is something wrong?
Denzel: Uuuh.
Tifa: Cloud...?
Denzel: ....no, ma'am....
Tifa: Then who is this? Why are you on Cloud's phone?
[DENZEL starts to CRY]
Tifa: Hey, are you crying?
[DENZEL collapses. CLOUD saves him. The FLASHBACK ENDS. DENZEL hears a MOTORCYCLE, but it is not CLOUD. Instead, it is YAZOO and his UNSAFE DRIVING PRACTICES.]
[CUT TO SCENE 10: SHINRA SHACK. RENO and RUDE have been ABUSED, as is the CUSTOM for all VISITORS. KADAJ is bitching at RUFUS like a SPURNED CHEERLEADER.]
Kadaj: Boy, do I hate liars!
Rufus: I apologize. This time, you get the truth. The object you seek fell from the helicopter. I'm afraid we were careless.
Kadaj: Is that right.
Rufus: I swear it.
Kadaj: Fine. Then swear on these.
[He has TSENG and ELENA'S ID CARDS. OH NOES!]
Rufus: Why did you do this?
Kadaj: I need Mother's power. The Reunion is coming, and we need her.
Rufus: Reunion...
Kadaj: My brothers and sisters who share Mother's cells will all assemble, and together we'll take revenge on the planet!
[He GIGGLES like a SCHOOLGIRL]
Kadaj: We've already sent out the invitations, but, you know, someone's gone and hidden the guest of honor.
Rufus: Invitations?
Kadaj: The stigma? But you know all about that, sir. Mother's memetic legacy lives on in the Lifestream [SOMETHING] mako [SOMETHING]. She does so much for us, and we can't even find her! But what can we do? We're just remnants. [SOMETHING] remnants of Mother's legacy. Until we find Mother and receive her cells, we can't be whole again! The Geostigma and the legacy aren't enough. Not for a true reunion.
Rufus: Reunion?
Kadaj: But sir! Surely you've noticed.
[KADAJ shows off his FLEXIBILITY. This causes FLASHBACKS. A SCENE PASSES in which DENZEL is SPURNED by another TINY GIRL and her MELTING BROTHER.]
[SCENE 11: CLOUD is putting ZACK'S SWORD back in the CLIFF.]
Cloud: I said I'd live out both our lives. Easy to make that promise...
[CLOUD has FLASHBACKS]
Zack: So, ya wanna be in SOLDIER?
Zack: Hang in there.
Zack: Hey, you okay?
Zack: Well! What are you gonna do once you get to Midgard?
Zack: We're friends, right?
[SHINRA SOLDIERS shoot at their PICKUP TRUCK. ZACK covers CLOUD with his BODY. This is TOTALLY UNSUGGESTIVE, REALLY.]
Zack: My dreams...they're yours now. You'll be...my living legacy.
[The FLASHBACK ENDS]
Cloud: I swore that I would never forget. I tried, but I...
[CLOUD has SEPHIROTH-RELATED SEIZURES]
Ominous Sephiroth Voice: Pretend to be sad. Why tremble, when there's nothing there? Face it, Cloud. All you are is an empty puppet.
[SEPHIROTH is STILL CRAZY. WHO'S SURPRISED.]
[THE FIGHT WITH TIFA AND LOZ happens. TIFA LOSES.]
[SCENE XX: Midgard. DENZEL is BROODING, just like his ADOPTIVE DADDY. The GIRL WHO SPURNED HIM approaches.]
Girl: Sorry about before. Thank you.
Denzel: Sure.
Girl: My little brother...he's gone.
Denzel: So I see.
Girl: Hey. I know you've got it too. Come on, they'll fix us.
[THE GIRL leads DENZEL to a PICKUP TRUCK full of GEOSTIGMA CHILDREN. KADAJ is here. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[CLOUD finds TIFA UNCONSCIOUS, starts MELTING, then PASSES OUT. From the LIFESTREAM, AERIS casts CURE3. CLOUD and TIFA sleep curled up together. It's CUTE.]
[CLOUD wakes up in BED. TIFA is also in BED although not the SAME BED. THE TURKS are here. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
Reno: You know, you're pretty heavy.
Rude: Aren't there some kids living with you?
Reno: 'Cause they ain't here.
Rude: You don't care?
Cloud: I just....
[RENO and RUDE sigh in unison.]
Reno: All right, later.(?)
[THEY LEAVE. CLOUD FLASHES BACK to adopting DENZEL. It's CUTE.]
[CUT TO: KADAJ'S PEDOVAN.]
Denzel: [SOMETHING] they're gonna fix us?
Girl: I dunno.
Denzel: Whatever. Like it matters anymore.
[KADAJ, LOZ and YAZOO fondle BALLS while MARLENE WATCHES. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[CUT TO: STRIFE RESIDENCE. TIFA wakes up. IT IS DARK, but she is UNLIKELY to be EATEN BY A GRUE.]
Cloud: Reno and Rude are out looking.
Tifa: You have geostigma, don't you. You're gonna give up and die, is that it? [SIGH] That's how it is.
Cloud: There's no cure.
Tifa: Yeah, but...that's not stopping Denzel, is it? Let's fight together...we can help each other, I know we can!
Cloud: ....
Tifa: I guess that only works for real families.
Cloud: Tifa...I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family...not my friends...nobody.
Tifa: [NONSENSE NOISES]
Cloud: ...?
[THE TURKS appear, apparently from NOWHERE.]
Reno: I think she wants you to move on, man.
Tifa: Did you find them?!
Reno: No...only a witness. Kadaj's gang took the kids.
Cloud: Where are they?
Rude: They're at their base now. The Forgotten City.
[CUT TO: KADAJ'S FOREST PLAYHOUSE. KADAJ is addressing A CHOIR OF CREEPY CHILDREN. He EXPOSITS and then TURNS THE WATER BLACK. Perhaps he should BATHE MORE OFTEN. THE CHILDREN drink his BATHWATER and become SEPHIROTH. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[THE BATTLE IN THE FORGOTTEN CITY HAPPENS. VINCENT saves CLOUD'S ASS, but loses his PHONE. VINCENT EXPOSITS. EVERYONE calls CLOUD SIMULTANEOUSLY while his PHONE is GONE. KADAJ'S POSSE attacks the MONUMENT. RENO and RUDE are ABUSED]
[CUT TO: CLOUD'S MOTORCYCLE. MARLENE pokes CLOUD'S GEOSTIGMA.]
Marlene: Does it hurt?
Cloud: A bit. But not as bad as Denzel's.
Marlene: Is there a cure?
Cloud: I dunno.
Marlene: After all you did...you've been trying so hard to find a cure for Denzel.
Cloud: ...you know that?
Marlene: Cloud, you should clean off your desk once in a while.
Cloud: Maybe I should.
Marlene: So, is that why? Is that the reason why you had to leave, Cloud? Because you couldn't fix Denzel?
[CLOUD looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
Marlene: Or because you have the sickness too?
Cloud: I just thought...I couldn't care for myself. Let alone anyone else.
[MARLENE mimics BARRET'S ACCENT. It's ADORABLE.]
Marlene: How you s'posed to look aftah yo family if ya can't even look afta yo'self? Or, at least Daddy says so. Cloud, don't give up.
Cloud: In the past you've always looked after me. You, Denzel, Tifa...you were there whenever I needed you. And now, it's my turn.
[A LOT OF FIGHTING HAPPENS. THE TURKS commit HOMOEROTIC SUICIDE to slow KADAJ'S MINIONS. CLOUD beats on KADAJ who evolves into SEPHIROTH who beats on CLOUD. CLOUD has a VISION at 1 HP.]
Zack: So what if it looks hopeless? If it were me, I still wouldn't give up. You embrace your dreams, and, whatever happens, protect your honor as SOLDIER. ...well, okay, you never made SOLDIER. But it's what's in here [taps chest] that counts.
[CLOUD looks TRANSCENDENTLY HAPPY and also BLEEDS]
Cloud: Zack...
Zack: Well? You need a hand with him?
[CLOUD GETS BACK UP.]
Zack: You already beat him once, didn't you? This should be a cinch.
Cloud: Yeah...
Zack: Cloud. You know what I told you.
Cloud: That's right. I am your living legacy.
[CLOUD uses OMNISLASH. It's SUPER-EFFECTIVE. SEPHIROTH devolves into KADAJ, who MISTAKES AERIS for JENOVA and then DIES. LOZ and YAZOO shoot CLOUD in the BACK, and then EXPLODE. CLOUD has a VISION. SOMEONE is PETTING HIS HAIR.]
Cloud: Mom?
Aeris: Again? Why is everyone calling me their mother these days?
Zack: I guess they must be fond of you.
Aeris: This one's a little too big to adopt.
Zack: [SOMETHING], friend (sounds like “boyfriend”). Sounds like you don't have a place here.
[THAT SCRUFFY WOLF sniffs CLOUD'S FACE. The VISION ENDS. CLOUD BAPTIZES CHILDREN and CURES GEOSTIGMA, like JESUS IN A WAY. EVERYONE IS HAPPY. AERIS tells CLOUD that EVERYTHING IS FINE, and ZACK gives him a COME-HITHER LOOK.]
[THE CREDITS ROLL. CLOUD tools around on his BIKE through FIELDS OF FLOWERS. This is NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL.]
[SCENE: THE CLIFF. ZACK'S SWORD has been replaced by FLOWERS.]
Denzel: Is this someone's grave?
Cloud: No. This is where a hero began his journey.
[CUT TO: THE CHURCH, where ZACK'S SWORD is standing, POLISHED.]
[FIN]