boogity whim wham zap cola
i went to church today.
with my momma and my papa.
not counting christmas eve service- i have not been to church in maybe 3/4 years.
we went to spring garden church, and i remember liking that place before. the person who speaks blows my mind up and i respond.
i have all kinds of "old" things coming forward in my head. the main being my old faith in god....just recently i had a conversation with my momma, and it was hurtful and hard to comprehend on either perspective, but she was asking questions and i was answering them.
being at church for me, was, nice. i could have done without the singing, i could have done without the music, for now. im not there. i thought about singing the songs, but i realize id only be singing and there would not be a worship behind the voice. i decided it would be best for me to be silent in the singing, because it would be like i was speaking just to talk, with no intent or life behind it.
the man who spoke, greg, well his voice and more importantly his words were words that i missed hearing deep down. they were familiar, yet hearing them again were something entirely new. at times i wished i let myself say my thoughts allowed, so we could have a dialogue, or more or less i could just audibly hear myself say these things, all of them, without any filtration.
some words felt sour, others seemed to come inside through my surface and hit places that are present, but hard to get to, unsure, and doubtful. i realized what kind of definitions i have set in place already at twenty-one, in terms of life, my own thought out ideas, that are basically piles of boxes, all separate and closed.
that disgusts me. and no i am not at a place to form another one- i'd like to open them all up and create new shapes, unrecognizable and unfinished.
but what i realize is that i know absolutely nothing. and he was talking about the unknowability of god as well as the knowabilty--how they both exist paradoxically. i am completely at the side of not knowing....even more consciously choosing to not ever try to know, complete disregard and a made decision. a box. one of the many.
but hearing what i heard today, it got me thinking. and really, i felt softer, and directly after i was smiling without any force, and smiling so much because that was the only way my body could express the what was welling up inside.
how i ultimately want to exist, what i want to deepen and embody....is kinds of peace and presence in commune with others and in my self, maybe in some way--allow an expanse.
im not ready to verablize anything regarding my belief or faith or idea of god or of any larger consilience of life, im so scared of that, yet i realize my foolishness in my own constructed system of knowledge, and i want to laugh at it, make faces at it, throw it around, and even take it off, and continue to listen and see, cause i get so comfortable.
omgggggg. our heads----- WHAT!
with my momma and my papa.
not counting christmas eve service- i have not been to church in maybe 3/4 years.
we went to spring garden church, and i remember liking that place before. the person who speaks blows my mind up and i respond.
i have all kinds of "old" things coming forward in my head. the main being my old faith in god....just recently i had a conversation with my momma, and it was hurtful and hard to comprehend on either perspective, but she was asking questions and i was answering them.
being at church for me, was, nice. i could have done without the singing, i could have done without the music, for now. im not there. i thought about singing the songs, but i realize id only be singing and there would not be a worship behind the voice. i decided it would be best for me to be silent in the singing, because it would be like i was speaking just to talk, with no intent or life behind it.
the man who spoke, greg, well his voice and more importantly his words were words that i missed hearing deep down. they were familiar, yet hearing them again were something entirely new. at times i wished i let myself say my thoughts allowed, so we could have a dialogue, or more or less i could just audibly hear myself say these things, all of them, without any filtration.
some words felt sour, others seemed to come inside through my surface and hit places that are present, but hard to get to, unsure, and doubtful. i realized what kind of definitions i have set in place already at twenty-one, in terms of life, my own thought out ideas, that are basically piles of boxes, all separate and closed.
that disgusts me. and no i am not at a place to form another one- i'd like to open them all up and create new shapes, unrecognizable and unfinished.
but what i realize is that i know absolutely nothing. and he was talking about the unknowability of god as well as the knowabilty--how they both exist paradoxically. i am completely at the side of not knowing....even more consciously choosing to not ever try to know, complete disregard and a made decision. a box. one of the many.
but hearing what i heard today, it got me thinking. and really, i felt softer, and directly after i was smiling without any force, and smiling so much because that was the only way my body could express the what was welling up inside.
how i ultimately want to exist, what i want to deepen and embody....is kinds of peace and presence in commune with others and in my self, maybe in some way--allow an expanse.
im not ready to verablize anything regarding my belief or faith or idea of god or of any larger consilience of life, im so scared of that, yet i realize my foolishness in my own constructed system of knowledge, and i want to laugh at it, make faces at it, throw it around, and even take it off, and continue to listen and see, cause i get so comfortable.
omgggggg. our heads----- WHAT!