Crap in, Crap out …
Hi all,
In an attempt to provide, at the very least, a somewhat entertaining BLOG entry, I have attempted to document my thoughts periodically throughout the day. Probably didn't turn out well - probably don't care :)
6:00 a.m.
Exhaustion is something I should be used to. The tick of the clock, the sound of his sighs, the quietness of my house, all hold me captive as I try to sleep.
He gets up, rouses me to nag about my blood test 4 hours late. He means well, everyone means well, I suppose.
Guilt surrounds me - all I see is a sea of wrotten guilty thoughts. Evil thoughts like how much I wish I had never allowed this to happen. Sad thoughts like how I am certain, with every sonogram, I will be told the two beings inside of me are dead. Confusion as to whether that might be, somehow, better? No more waiting for the shoe to drop, you know?
Insensitive jokes passed around in the early morning hours about my killing them by simply feeling for them with fingers too eager as they squish against my abdominal wall or the silent accusations that come with the nagging about how I am taking care of myself all take their toll. Am I killing them simply by existing? Am I condemning them to death for doing what does not come naturally for me? Can the people I love best really believe that somehow, if they don’t live, it is my fault? And, if they don’t live, will I feel sorrow at losing what I never knew or will I simply be angry for having given up so much of my life for something that didn’t come to fruition?
Ah, this is too heavy for my circle of friends. Hell, this is too heavy for even me.
--
11:03 a.m.
So, I am wearing pink, mother fucker. I am tired of hearing it. Yes, if I had gotten off my ass last night and done laundry, I wouldn’t have to be humiliated by wearing a pink shirt that is two sizes too big for my fat ass (thanks, mom, for never asking my size).
And yes, I know I look like a big strawberry shake. Yes, it is funny to point at the pregnant girl in pink and say things like “Looks like the Easter bunny made an early visit this year. He left behind an egg!” or “I never thought I’d make fun of a girl for wearing pink.”
Well, you just did so get the fuck over it!
--
11:15 a.m
Yesterday afternoon, I spent an hour watching the British State Opening of Parliament on C-SPAN being rebroadcast from earlier in the week. I basically was waiting to hear her majesty speak as I had never heard her speak before. I swear. The myriad of times I’ve seen her image used in photos, illustrations and film footage, I have never heard her speak. Well, now I have. I got to hear her read her advisors’ agenda in an extremely flat, boring bit of rubbish I like to call pseudo-power trip for an old, stodgy woman who may be queen, but has no real power.
Surprisingly, her voice had no real majesty - she sounded like any old, british woman with a Cap of Maintenance up her ass and the world’s second largest diamond on her head.
WTF does that have to do with anything? I’m not really certain.
--
12:50 p.m.
Damn it’s cold outside. Not outside in the cave, but outside where you can actually see the sky! I feel like crap. I want to go home. I want - Oh, hell, I don’t know what I want! Actually, I do kinda know what I want. I want my god-damned checks delivered. Yes, I ran out of checks. How this happens, I am unsure. I look, there are three boxes. I look again, there is an empty box - and of course, every bill in the house is due! You are thinking at this point, “Just go online and use electronic bill pay,” or something like that. That’s the point. I did do the electronic thing, but there is still one more bill to pay that doesn’t have an online or telephone pay option (those bastards). Just one and I have no checks. I ordered them rush overnight shipping last Wednesday, so let’s hope they show up today or tomorrow (probably not until Friday which will really piss me off).
So, that’s my thirty second after lunch dilemma. Wow, what an exciting work day I have!
--
1:11 p.m.
I am so tired of putting up with stupid crap from stupid fools sitting behind their stupid desks full of stupid ideas that make me jump through stupid hoops just to get my stupid paycheck.
--
1:50 p.m.
Subtleties rain down from the blackened sky,
Innocence floating down like volcanic ash.
--
3:59 p.m.
I often find myself wondering how people are doing. Not people in general, mind you, but people that are no longer a part of my life. Like my first (what I thought was) true love or my best (that fucking whore) friend from high school. I wonder if they are doing okay. I question if they ever wonder the same about me.
Of course, this leads me to question just what it is they think about me. Maybe, to them, I was the greatest mistake of their lame-ass lives or perhaps I’m the fucking whore. Who knows …
--
4:15 p.m.
So … this pretty much concludes my work day. I hope you all have enjoyed reading what seems to be one of the longest and least interesting BLOG entry I’ve written to date.
Have a good evening,
~H
In an attempt to provide, at the very least, a somewhat entertaining BLOG entry, I have attempted to document my thoughts periodically throughout the day. Probably didn't turn out well - probably don't care :)
6:00 a.m.
Exhaustion is something I should be used to. The tick of the clock, the sound of his sighs, the quietness of my house, all hold me captive as I try to sleep.
He gets up, rouses me to nag about my blood test 4 hours late. He means well, everyone means well, I suppose.
Guilt surrounds me - all I see is a sea of wrotten guilty thoughts. Evil thoughts like how much I wish I had never allowed this to happen. Sad thoughts like how I am certain, with every sonogram, I will be told the two beings inside of me are dead. Confusion as to whether that might be, somehow, better? No more waiting for the shoe to drop, you know?
Insensitive jokes passed around in the early morning hours about my killing them by simply feeling for them with fingers too eager as they squish against my abdominal wall or the silent accusations that come with the nagging about how I am taking care of myself all take their toll. Am I killing them simply by existing? Am I condemning them to death for doing what does not come naturally for me? Can the people I love best really believe that somehow, if they don’t live, it is my fault? And, if they don’t live, will I feel sorrow at losing what I never knew or will I simply be angry for having given up so much of my life for something that didn’t come to fruition?
Ah, this is too heavy for my circle of friends. Hell, this is too heavy for even me.
--
11:03 a.m.
So, I am wearing pink, mother fucker. I am tired of hearing it. Yes, if I had gotten off my ass last night and done laundry, I wouldn’t have to be humiliated by wearing a pink shirt that is two sizes too big for my fat ass (thanks, mom, for never asking my size).
And yes, I know I look like a big strawberry shake. Yes, it is funny to point at the pregnant girl in pink and say things like “Looks like the Easter bunny made an early visit this year. He left behind an egg!” or “I never thought I’d make fun of a girl for wearing pink.”
Well, you just did so get the fuck over it!
--
11:15 a.m
Yesterday afternoon, I spent an hour watching the British State Opening of Parliament on C-SPAN being rebroadcast from earlier in the week. I basically was waiting to hear her majesty speak as I had never heard her speak before. I swear. The myriad of times I’ve seen her image used in photos, illustrations and film footage, I have never heard her speak. Well, now I have. I got to hear her read her advisors’ agenda in an extremely flat, boring bit of rubbish I like to call pseudo-power trip for an old, stodgy woman who may be queen, but has no real power.
Surprisingly, her voice had no real majesty - she sounded like any old, british woman with a Cap of Maintenance up her ass and the world’s second largest diamond on her head.
WTF does that have to do with anything? I’m not really certain.
--
12:50 p.m.
Damn it’s cold outside. Not outside in the cave, but outside where you can actually see the sky! I feel like crap. I want to go home. I want - Oh, hell, I don’t know what I want! Actually, I do kinda know what I want. I want my god-damned checks delivered. Yes, I ran out of checks. How this happens, I am unsure. I look, there are three boxes. I look again, there is an empty box - and of course, every bill in the house is due! You are thinking at this point, “Just go online and use electronic bill pay,” or something like that. That’s the point. I did do the electronic thing, but there is still one more bill to pay that doesn’t have an online or telephone pay option (those bastards). Just one and I have no checks. I ordered them rush overnight shipping last Wednesday, so let’s hope they show up today or tomorrow (probably not until Friday which will really piss me off).
So, that’s my thirty second after lunch dilemma. Wow, what an exciting work day I have!
--
1:11 p.m.
I am so tired of putting up with stupid crap from stupid fools sitting behind their stupid desks full of stupid ideas that make me jump through stupid hoops just to get my stupid paycheck.
--
1:50 p.m.
Subtleties rain down from the blackened sky,
Innocence floating down like volcanic ash.
--
3:59 p.m.
I often find myself wondering how people are doing. Not people in general, mind you, but people that are no longer a part of my life. Like my first (what I thought was) true love or my best (that fucking whore) friend from high school. I wonder if they are doing okay. I question if they ever wonder the same about me.
Of course, this leads me to question just what it is they think about me. Maybe, to them, I was the greatest mistake of their lame-ass lives or perhaps I’m the fucking whore. Who knows …
--
4:15 p.m.
So … this pretty much concludes my work day. I hope you all have enjoyed reading what seems to be one of the longest and least interesting BLOG entry I’ve written to date.
Have a good evening,
~H