Back-Writing
I can always think of a million things to write in the journal, when I have no access to it. Yet, when I'm sitting here, in front of the screen, my mind draws a blank. A friend once told me that if I couldn't start writing, then I should write about how I couldn't find the words to write. I found that, over the years, to be mostly true. I have desired to write in order to help my feelings and to remember the little things that sometimes mean so much. I wish I had written down everything my grandfather said. I've found, of the past few weeks, that his wisdom was true. He really did know a lot about the world. I've also learned that his love for my family, especially my grandmother, was immense. And all of the petty relationships that I have droned about in the past were a ridiculous sideshow knock off compared to the real thing. I know that true love, in all of it's facets, is real. I know this because of many things. I know because it's real in my mind. It exists in my heart. It just doesn't have a place to go and someone who would appreciate it for what it is. I know because I have faith. And my faith tells me what's real. And it doesn't matter who doesn't have my faith. I wish for everyone to have my faith, because it does things to you. If its real. I've seen lots of people profess faith, but when it comes down to it, they don't love. And that is not real faith. Real Faith knows that the whatever you believe in, is love. Whether it's God or someone or something else. What you have faith in, is love. So I know that it is real. And I know that I have to be an adult. I have to do things that I don't want to do if I want to find this love one day. And it won't be easy. But cleaning up someone's life, never is. Somewhere inside, I have the strength to overcome what is in front of me. I know this to be true for I have seen myself what I am capable of and what my mind is capable of. But.... that doesn't mean.... that it is ever... easy.....