PICSPAM: 4X12 DON'T EVER CHANGE
4X12 DON'T EVER CHANGE
Writers: Doris Egan & Leonard Dick
Director: Deran Sarafian
Original Airdate: 5 Feb 2008
House has to grapple with his belief that people never change in order to treat a rapidly declining woman who converted to Hasidic Judaism just six months ago, even as he tries to come to terms with the fact that Wilson's new love interest is rejected fellowship candidate Amber Volakis (a.k.a, Cutthroat Bitch).
WARNING: Have decided to be nice and not inadvertently spoil people with the EPIC MOMENT OF WIN that occurred in this episode - though there's a gift for you guys somewhere in the first scene below. That gift will be edited into the header of the post after 72 hours of spoiler-free time has been provided for everyone. As usual, caps galore ahead that you can expect to be super unfriendly to dial-up users: Cuddy had three scenes and I managed 100 caps. WTF!
- - - - -
I. Cuddy suggests change as a form of therapy
Yonatan: We'd like a different doctor. From what we've seen, it's abundantly clear that Dr House is far too distracted by having sex with you on every vertical surface in this hospital - and some horizontal ones too - to concentrate on our case.
Cuddy: I assure you that Dr House is our best diagnostician - he has always known just when to stop to avert a fatal heart attack on either of our parts...
Yonatan: Then we will settle for second-best, someone who doesn't think my wife is sick just because she's religious. And someone who isn't staring at your ass right this minute.
House: If you prefer, I can give your wife my second-best diagnosis. Then I can stop just staring at Cuddy's ass because I'm thinking there are at least six other very dirty things I could do to her ass right now.
[Cuddy turns around to look at him expectantly. She likes where House is going with this train of thought...]
You know, these pic-spams would be one heckuva lot EASIER if Cuddy weren't all about the sexy sexiness and heterosexuality-stealing - because she never fails to make a simple act like turning around to face House a veritable act of seduction. How could I not cap all that gorgeous?!
House: Do you know Wilson's dating Amber? Which suggests the possibility of an incredibly kinky foursome, Y/Y?
Cuddy: I have reviewed the chart - someone on your team must have pointed out that cryoglobularnaemia also fits the symptoms. Anyway, before we even talk about kinky foursomes, sign your insurance policy.
House: Yes, it fits many of the symptoms. Like fever, fever and more fever - all of which points towards seeing you in your underwear. And out of your underwear. Everyday.
Yonatan: My wife's body is sick, her mind and soul are fine.
House: You live according to God's 600 commandments, right?
Yonatan: 613.
EEEK. ALTHOUGH CUDDY IS ALL BLURRY FROM THE MESSED-UP FOCUS, IS THAT NOT THE CUTEST CUDDY FACE EVAR?!
House: You understand them all?
Yonatan: It takes a lifetime of learning...
House: But you follow the ones you don't understand because the ones you do understand make sense and you believe that the guy who created them knows what he's doing.
Yonatan: Of course.
House: You will trust my diagnosis, you'll let me treat her, because in this temple, I am Dr Yahweh. I know because that's what Cuddy calls me when she isn't telling me what a naughty, naughty boy I am...
Yonatan: I want a new doctor. I mean it. The two of you are clearly in no state to help me here. STOP UNDRESSING EACH OTHER WITH YOUR EYES IN MY PRESENCE.
[He leaves, and Cuddy throws up her hands in exasperation.]
Cuddy: Now see what you've done - you outed us to the entire hospital. I'm starting her on endomethicin for the cryoglobularnaemia.
House: People don't change - for example, I'm going to keep repeating 'people don't change'. And they're certainly not going to change in terms of gossiping about us. They've done it ever since Brenda caught us up against the wall in the fourth floor lab. Or when Foreman walked in on us in the janitor's closet. Or when Chase and Cameron were looking for a place to get hot and heavy and accidentally discovered us by the nurses' lockers...
Cuddy: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist. Apparently, nor does anyone in PPTH who's not caught us in the act of schtupping at least once...
House: They're still alcoholics - they'll never take a drink as long as they live only because they didn't live long enough. Good thing I don't ever plan on weaning myself off my addiction to hot monkey sex with you.
CUE. INSANE. AMOUNTS. OF. EYESEX.
Cuddy: If you're dissatisfied with your life, changing it is a symptom of mental health. See, by tying you up and driving you mad with chains and whips and handcuffs and chocolate sauce and cream and fingerpaints, I'm only helping you become more sane, House...
Cuddy: I get why that concept is strange to you... so let's not waste time discussing this any more. Sex? NOW?! [She puts her hand on House's shoulder and he looks down at it... and her. The answer is obviously yes.]
GIFT FOR Y'ALL: ANIMATED VERSION FTW!
(To be edited into header of post once 72 hours have passed - so as not to spoil people.)
[House's beeper goes off. "Oh look, how nice of my pager to remind us that it's time for our scheduled afternoon delight. Not that we weren't already going to do something about that..."]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMN BEEPER. LIKE THE DAMN BEE IN THE XF MOVIE THAT RUINED POTENTIAL FOR SHIPPY KISSAGE AND SEXY SCHTUPPAGE AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER ASKJALDJALKJSJALSJ THINGS. At least Cuddy is all kinds of sad!face too, for being interrupted - the third cap in this series is my fave.
[Cut to crash cart being wheeled into Roz's room.]
13: 02 stats are 85. She's hypoxic. We might need to intubate.
[Cuddy enters and grabs a stethoscope. She's all ready to play doctor with House, evidently...]
Yonatan: What's wrong with her? Why isn't Dr Cuddy just throwing you down on the floor right now?
Cuddy: It's definitely not cryoglobularnaemia.
House: (points upwards) Better ask him.
- - - - -
II. House wants Cuddy to spread the love i.e., sleep with Wilson
[House barges into Cuddy's room.]
House: I need you to sleep with Wilson. Because you are so mindnumbingly good in bed that he will never want to have sex with anyone else again. Once you go Cuddy, you never go back.
Cuddy: Good morning. Thanks for the perverted compliments to start off my day. I might have to reward you with some of that mindnumbing sex you mention.
House: He's involved with an... inappropriate woman. You're not that appropriate yourself, chatting me up in broad daylight like this. I like it though - MOAR PLS.
Cuddy: His people are sheepherders and Amber's are cattlemen?
House: He's combining two of his worst qualities - his love for me and his love for need. As administrator of this hospital, you have to save your star oncologist for any extra kinky escapades we might want to indulge in as a threesome.
CUE EXTENDED RUN OF LISA PICS - BECAUSE SHE DELIVERS THIS ONE LINE SO AMAZINGLY. SHE IS SO MANY KINDS OF FLIRTY AND CUTE IN THIS , OMG.
Cuddy: Wish I could help but, as administrator, there are some people in Accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first. Although those come only after I throw you down on the couch over there - I have you blocked out for the next fifty years.
[House rolls his eyes at the sass, and follows her out of her office.]
House: Wilson has a pattern with women. He saves them, then he betrays them, which then causes guilt, which then causes him to go sleep with somebody else, for example, a hospital bureaucrat nearing forty who has no personal life because she's too busy sexing mine up. I suggest you go braless. An entire world of straight (and gay) men (and women) will rejoice over this.
Cuddy: I get that 'sleep with' is your way of saying I should talk to him? The same way when you ask me to 'talk to you', you actually mean I should be 'sleeping with' you - in the most proactive way, of course. Which would, ultimately, not involve sleep in any form - unless you can sleep when you're having hot monkey sex?
House: No, I really mean 'sleep with'.
Cuddy: You're not worried this relationship will fail, you're worried it'll succeed. That Wilson will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7. That your best friend will change. Don't worry - even if all that happens, I'll still be here, House. Whips, chains, chocolate sauce and all.
House: People don't change just because they wish they could. Or I'd have changed myself into an Orgasm-a-tron by now.
Cuddy: And it bugs you that he wishes he could! You'll never lose your friend, House. You're the long-distance runner of neediness. Also the record-holder in sex marathons that last all weekend, as I can attest.
- - - - -
III. Cuddy tries to save Wilson from Amber's lair
[Wilson is in the clinic, reading a chart. Cuddy comes up to him.]
Cuddy: Are you sure she doesn't want to just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down and deposit her eggs in you? That's kind of what I've been doing to House every day for the last five years. He kind of likes it though.
Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.
LOL. FRICKIN' PERFECT LINE. I LOVE THE LOOK ON RSL'S FACE.
Cuddy: You two are really that serious?
Wilson: She's pretty. She's fun. Maybe she's a little more...
Cuddy: Evil?
Wilson: ...aggressive than you'd expect for me, but I'm happy. Can't I just enjoy what that feels like for a while?
Cuddy: How many people have looked at you trustingly while you gave them a fatal prognosis? But you knew it was kinder to tell them the truth. Amber compulsively looks out for number one. You compulsively look out for the person that you're with. Your needs are gonna feed her needs until all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor. And then who are House and I going to turn to when we need someone for a kinky threesome?
Cuddy: [She shrugs - she's just telling it like it is.] Sorry if that was a little frank, but that's the main reason we don't ever want you to get a girlfriend. So. Tonight at 8pm, my place. Leather chaps.
[She leaves.]
Wilson: Wow.
- - - - -
Writers: Doris Egan & Leonard Dick
Director: Deran Sarafian
Original Airdate: 5 Feb 2008
House has to grapple with his belief that people never change in order to treat a rapidly declining woman who converted to Hasidic Judaism just six months ago, even as he tries to come to terms with the fact that Wilson's new love interest is rejected fellowship candidate Amber Volakis (a.k.a, Cutthroat Bitch).
WARNING: Have decided to be nice and not inadvertently spoil people with the EPIC MOMENT OF WIN that occurred in this episode - though there's a gift for you guys somewhere in the first scene below. That gift will be edited into the header of the post after 72 hours of spoiler-free time has been provided for everyone. As usual, caps galore ahead that you can expect to be super unfriendly to dial-up users: Cuddy had three scenes and I managed 100 caps. WTF!
- - - - -
I. Cuddy suggests change as a form of therapy
Yonatan: We'd like a different doctor. From what we've seen, it's abundantly clear that Dr House is far too distracted by having sex with you on every vertical surface in this hospital - and some horizontal ones too - to concentrate on our case.
Cuddy: I assure you that Dr House is our best diagnostician - he has always known just when to stop to avert a fatal heart attack on either of our parts...
Yonatan: Then we will settle for second-best, someone who doesn't think my wife is sick just because she's religious. And someone who isn't staring at your ass right this minute.
House: If you prefer, I can give your wife my second-best diagnosis. Then I can stop just staring at Cuddy's ass because I'm thinking there are at least six other very dirty things I could do to her ass right now.
[Cuddy turns around to look at him expectantly. She likes where House is going with this train of thought...]
You know, these pic-spams would be one heckuva lot EASIER if Cuddy weren't all about the sexy sexiness and heterosexuality-stealing - because she never fails to make a simple act like turning around to face House a veritable act of seduction. How could I not cap all that gorgeous?!
House: Do you know Wilson's dating Amber? Which suggests the possibility of an incredibly kinky foursome, Y/Y?
Cuddy: I have reviewed the chart - someone on your team must have pointed out that cryoglobularnaemia also fits the symptoms. Anyway, before we even talk about kinky foursomes, sign your insurance policy.
House: Yes, it fits many of the symptoms. Like fever, fever and more fever - all of which points towards seeing you in your underwear. And out of your underwear. Everyday.
Yonatan: My wife's body is sick, her mind and soul are fine.
House: You live according to God's 600 commandments, right?
Yonatan: 613.
EEEK. ALTHOUGH CUDDY IS ALL BLURRY FROM THE MESSED-UP FOCUS, IS THAT NOT THE CUTEST CUDDY FACE EVAR?!
House: You understand them all?
Yonatan: It takes a lifetime of learning...
House: But you follow the ones you don't understand because the ones you do understand make sense and you believe that the guy who created them knows what he's doing.
Yonatan: Of course.
House: You will trust my diagnosis, you'll let me treat her, because in this temple, I am Dr Yahweh. I know because that's what Cuddy calls me when she isn't telling me what a naughty, naughty boy I am...
Yonatan: I want a new doctor. I mean it. The two of you are clearly in no state to help me here. STOP UNDRESSING EACH OTHER WITH YOUR EYES IN MY PRESENCE.
[He leaves, and Cuddy throws up her hands in exasperation.]
Cuddy: Now see what you've done - you outed us to the entire hospital. I'm starting her on endomethicin for the cryoglobularnaemia.
House: People don't change - for example, I'm going to keep repeating 'people don't change'. And they're certainly not going to change in terms of gossiping about us. They've done it ever since Brenda caught us up against the wall in the fourth floor lab. Or when Foreman walked in on us in the janitor's closet. Or when Chase and Cameron were looking for a place to get hot and heavy and accidentally discovered us by the nurses' lockers...
Cuddy: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist. Apparently, nor does anyone in PPTH who's not caught us in the act of schtupping at least once...
House: They're still alcoholics - they'll never take a drink as long as they live only because they didn't live long enough. Good thing I don't ever plan on weaning myself off my addiction to hot monkey sex with you.
CUE. INSANE. AMOUNTS. OF. EYESEX.
Cuddy: If you're dissatisfied with your life, changing it is a symptom of mental health. See, by tying you up and driving you mad with chains and whips and handcuffs and chocolate sauce and cream and fingerpaints, I'm only helping you become more sane, House...
Cuddy: I get why that concept is strange to you... so let's not waste time discussing this any more. Sex? NOW?! [She puts her hand on House's shoulder and he looks down at it... and her. The answer is obviously yes.]
GIFT FOR Y'ALL: ANIMATED VERSION FTW!
(To be edited into header of post once 72 hours have passed - so as not to spoil people.)
[House's beeper goes off. "Oh look, how nice of my pager to remind us that it's time for our scheduled afternoon delight. Not that we weren't already going to do something about that..."]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMN BEEPER. LIKE THE DAMN BEE IN THE XF MOVIE THAT RUINED POTENTIAL FOR SHIPPY KISSAGE AND SEXY SCHTUPPAGE AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER ASKJALDJALKJSJALSJ THINGS. At least Cuddy is all kinds of sad!face too, for being interrupted - the third cap in this series is my fave.
[Cut to crash cart being wheeled into Roz's room.]
13: 02 stats are 85. She's hypoxic. We might need to intubate.
[Cuddy enters and grabs a stethoscope. She's all ready to play doctor with House, evidently...]
Yonatan: What's wrong with her? Why isn't Dr Cuddy just throwing you down on the floor right now?
Cuddy: It's definitely not cryoglobularnaemia.
House: (points upwards) Better ask him.
- - - - -
II. House wants Cuddy to spread the love i.e., sleep with Wilson
[House barges into Cuddy's room.]
House: I need you to sleep with Wilson. Because you are so mindnumbingly good in bed that he will never want to have sex with anyone else again. Once you go Cuddy, you never go back.
Cuddy: Good morning. Thanks for the perverted compliments to start off my day. I might have to reward you with some of that mindnumbing sex you mention.
House: He's involved with an... inappropriate woman. You're not that appropriate yourself, chatting me up in broad daylight like this. I like it though - MOAR PLS.
Cuddy: His people are sheepherders and Amber's are cattlemen?
House: He's combining two of his worst qualities - his love for me and his love for need. As administrator of this hospital, you have to save your star oncologist for any extra kinky escapades we might want to indulge in as a threesome.
CUE EXTENDED RUN OF LISA PICS - BECAUSE SHE DELIVERS THIS ONE LINE SO AMAZINGLY. SHE IS SO MANY KINDS OF FLIRTY AND CUTE IN THIS , OMG.
Cuddy: Wish I could help but, as administrator, there are some people in Accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first. Although those come only after I throw you down on the couch over there - I have you blocked out for the next fifty years.
[House rolls his eyes at the sass, and follows her out of her office.]
House: Wilson has a pattern with women. He saves them, then he betrays them, which then causes guilt, which then causes him to go sleep with somebody else, for example, a hospital bureaucrat nearing forty who has no personal life because she's too busy sexing mine up. I suggest you go braless. An entire world of straight (and gay) men (and women) will rejoice over this.
Cuddy: I get that 'sleep with' is your way of saying I should talk to him? The same way when you ask me to 'talk to you', you actually mean I should be 'sleeping with' you - in the most proactive way, of course. Which would, ultimately, not involve sleep in any form - unless you can sleep when you're having hot monkey sex?
House: No, I really mean 'sleep with'.
Cuddy: You're not worried this relationship will fail, you're worried it'll succeed. That Wilson will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7. That your best friend will change. Don't worry - even if all that happens, I'll still be here, House. Whips, chains, chocolate sauce and all.
House: People don't change just because they wish they could. Or I'd have changed myself into an Orgasm-a-tron by now.
Cuddy: And it bugs you that he wishes he could! You'll never lose your friend, House. You're the long-distance runner of neediness. Also the record-holder in sex marathons that last all weekend, as I can attest.
- - - - -
III. Cuddy tries to save Wilson from Amber's lair
[Wilson is in the clinic, reading a chart. Cuddy comes up to him.]
Cuddy: Are you sure she doesn't want to just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down and deposit her eggs in you? That's kind of what I've been doing to House every day for the last five years. He kind of likes it though.
Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.
LOL. FRICKIN' PERFECT LINE. I LOVE THE LOOK ON RSL'S FACE.
Cuddy: You two are really that serious?
Wilson: She's pretty. She's fun. Maybe she's a little more...
Cuddy: Evil?
Wilson: ...aggressive than you'd expect for me, but I'm happy. Can't I just enjoy what that feels like for a while?
Cuddy: How many people have looked at you trustingly while you gave them a fatal prognosis? But you knew it was kinder to tell them the truth. Amber compulsively looks out for number one. You compulsively look out for the person that you're with. Your needs are gonna feed her needs until all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor. And then who are House and I going to turn to when we need someone for a kinky threesome?
Cuddy: [She shrugs - she's just telling it like it is.] Sorry if that was a little frank, but that's the main reason we don't ever want you to get a girlfriend. So. Tonight at 8pm, my place. Leather chaps.
[She leaves.]
Wilson: Wow.
- - - - -