PICSPAM: 1x01 The Pilot
1x01 - PILOT
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 16, 2004
A young kindergarten teacher, Rebecca Adler, who suffers from seizures collapses in her classroom after uncontrolled gibberish slips out her mouth while she is about to teach her students. She is taken to Dr. House and his team of experts who identify it might be a tumor, and she might have only a week to live.
I. Cuddy confronts House about his work ethic (or lack thereof)
We begin with House's Cuddy radar (you decide where it's located) going off as soon as she enters the vicinity. (Note: I'm going to try my hardest not to blast the orange pilot every chance I get, a most likely futile attempt at such)
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office for hot desk!sex 20 minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that’s odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago. (House clearly had some other location in mind)
Cuddy: You think we have nothing to talk about?
House: No, just that I can’t think of anything that I’d be interested in.
Cuddy: I sign your paychecks.
House: I have tenure.
[House moves to enter elevator, then turns] House: Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving?
Cuddy: That would be juvenile.
House moves onto the elevator, Cuddy in tow -- because THAT is not juvenile.
Gleeful smile of win! Not entirely juvenile, right? Let the Huddy elevator!sex begin.
Cuddy: I can still fire you if you’re not doing your job.
House: I’m here from 9 to 5.
Cuddy: Your billings are practically nonexistent.
House: Rough year.
Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults.
House: I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
Cuddy: You’re 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic.
House: See, I was right, this doesn’t interest me.
Cuddy: 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better then 4 months.
House: It’s 5:00. I’m going home.
There's a pregnant pause here, and one can only assume that there are hands in happy places. Each other's happy place; just in case that wasn't clear. (Was that not YOUR first assumption?)
Cuddy: To what? (ZING!)
House: Nice.
They exit the elevator into the hospital lobby. Time for Foreplay in Motion!
Cuddy: Look, Dr. House, the only reason why I don’t fire you is because your reputation is still worth something to this hospital.
House: Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You're not going to fire me.
Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last if you don’t do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. (Cuddy has said "job" so many times now that you can only assume House's mind has wandered to other prospects)
House: Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.”
Somehow we all trust that that philosophy does not apply to Cuddy.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. Much to his dismay, Cuddy shows House just who's boss (aka: in which Cuddy snugly secures House's balls in her Prada bag)
[House bursts into Cuddy’s office, yelling]
House: You pulled my authorization. And WHY were you not in the janitor's closet 20 minutes ago as we planned?
Cuddy: Yes, why are you yelling? (Notice how much nicer -- WARMER -- Cuddy's office is now. Because she knows House's eyes look best in summer colors.)
House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs.
Cuddy: You also can’t make long distance phone calls. (Administrative ZING!)
House: If you’re gonna fire me, have the guts to face me.
Cuddy: Or photocopies; you’re still yelling.
House: I’m ANGRY! You’re risking a patient’s life.
Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points. (If this were s4, you can bet there'd be a joke about "two points" here; ah, young love!)
House: You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I work here you have no legal…[interrupted] (Possibly the most hypocritical utterance to ever come from House?)
Cuddy: Is the yelling designed to scare me because I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That’s not scary.
Look at how much he actually seems to be ENJOYING this verbal match? Snarky foreplay FTW!
Cuddy: (continued) That you’re gonna hurt me? That’s scary, but I’m pretty sure I can outrun ya. ZING!
[House cracks a bit of a smile; Cuddy stands up from behind her desk]
Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted -- Jagger -- and you’re right, “You can’t always get what you want,” but as it turns out “if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
House: So, because you want me to treat patients, you're not letting me treat patients.
Cuddy: I need you to do your job. (House's mind wanders yet again)
[House pops a pill, leaves of Cuddy’s office; Wilson and the ducklings are there]
Again with the look of sheer enjoyment -- the afterglow!
House: Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I’ve gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I’ve missed. 2054. I’ll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. House shows up for clinic duty (pigs fly)
[House enters the clinic]
House: 12:52 PM, Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes.
Cuddy: No TV, but we’ve got patients.
House: Can’t you give out the aspirin yourself? I’ll do paperwork.
Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one.
House: Cough just won’t go away, runny nose looks a funny color?
Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.
House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine--
Cuddy: Patient is orange. (Even Cuddy can't hide her reaction to this horrendously orange episode!)
House: The color?
Cuddy: No, the fruit. (mini zing?)
House: You mean yellow; it’s jaundice.
Cuddy: I mean orange. (Cuddy was the top of her class in pre-school. The woman knows her colors, okay, House?)
House: Well, how orange?
Cuddy: Exam room 1.
Annnnd Cuddy waits for the last moment physically possible to take her hands off House. He misses her already.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy questions House's course of treatment for his patient
[Cuddy enters an exam room, House is sitting and reading a magazine with “Spring’s Hottest People" on the cover]
House: I’m doing research. People are fascinating aren’t they?
Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler steroids?
House: Because, she’s my patient. That’s what you do with patients. You give them medicine.
Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? Nice.
Cuddy: I’m stopping the treatment.
[Cuddy leaves, House follows] Foreplay in Motion, round 2 -- House and Cuddy like an audience.
House: She’s my patient.
Cuddy: It’s my hospital.
House: I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what’s wrong with her.
Cuddy: With no proof.
House: There’s never any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence.
[They stop at the elevator, Cuddy presses the button]
Cuddy: You don’t have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always think you’re right?
House: I don’t, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Cuddy: Because I’m a doctor. [she moves towards the stairs] Because when we make mistakes people die. (House loves General Hospital; Cuddy quotes General Hospital. It's LOVE!)
[She walks up the stairs] Really, she RUNS, LEAPS up the stairs. In HEELS. The woman's talents are endless
House: Come on.
[House steps on the first step, but stops, deciding not to try following her this way]
House: People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn’t really.
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House gets lucky (no, not THAT way)
[Cut to Cuddy entering Rebecca’s room. Rebecca is eating voraciously.] CUDDY IN GLASSES!
Cuddy; So, how ya feeling?
Rebecca: Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but…?
Cuddy: No. Don’t eat too much too fast.
Rebecca: Thank him for me.
Cuddy: Right. *fake smile*
[Cuddy exits the room, House is standing there, smirking. Cuddy turns toward him, surprised to see him there.]
House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss? (This scene is so much love, but not only is it especially orange, the magenta is picking a fight with me now.)
Cuddy: You got lucky.
[She walks off, House watches her] HE WATCHES HER
House: Cool, huh? (First glimpse of House's and Cuddy's magnetic attraction that results in so little personal space?)
- - - - - - - - - -
VI.The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have
[The patient formerly known as Orange is sitting with Cuddy in her office.]
Patient: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said.
Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he’s an idiot.
Patient: I was ORANGE.
Cuddy: I don’t want to know what you found out. [she looks a bit pained]
Patient: You don’t care?
Cuddy: I’m your doctor. You’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she’s not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him. But I can’t, even if it costs me your money. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
[Cut to patient touching his ring finger, where his wedding ring used to be]
Note to Bryan Singer: I know you directed the X-Men series, but to my recollection, Thing wasn't in those movies, so making everyone at PPTH ORANGE serves no cross-promotional purpose. Not that orange highlights and magenta shadows don't flatter all skin types. I must now take my Forget-Me-Nows so I can block the memory of the orangeness and live to watch the pilot another day.
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 16, 2004
A young kindergarten teacher, Rebecca Adler, who suffers from seizures collapses in her classroom after uncontrolled gibberish slips out her mouth while she is about to teach her students. She is taken to Dr. House and his team of experts who identify it might be a tumor, and she might have only a week to live.
I. Cuddy confronts House about his work ethic (or lack thereof)
We begin with House's Cuddy radar (you decide where it's located) going off as soon as she enters the vicinity. (Note: I'm going to try my hardest not to blast the orange pilot every chance I get, a most likely futile attempt at such)
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office for hot desk!sex 20 minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that’s odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago. (House clearly had some other location in mind)
Cuddy: You think we have nothing to talk about?
House: No, just that I can’t think of anything that I’d be interested in.
Cuddy: I sign your paychecks.
House: I have tenure.
[House moves to enter elevator, then turns] House: Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving?
Cuddy: That would be juvenile.
House moves onto the elevator, Cuddy in tow -- because THAT is not juvenile.
Gleeful smile of win! Not entirely juvenile, right? Let the Huddy elevator!sex begin.
Cuddy: I can still fire you if you’re not doing your job.
House: I’m here from 9 to 5.
Cuddy: Your billings are practically nonexistent.
House: Rough year.
Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults.
House: I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
Cuddy: You’re 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic.
House: See, I was right, this doesn’t interest me.
Cuddy: 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better then 4 months.
House: It’s 5:00. I’m going home.
There's a pregnant pause here, and one can only assume that there are hands in happy places. Each other's happy place; just in case that wasn't clear. (Was that not YOUR first assumption?)
Cuddy: To what? (ZING!)
House: Nice.
They exit the elevator into the hospital lobby. Time for Foreplay in Motion!
Cuddy: Look, Dr. House, the only reason why I don’t fire you is because your reputation is still worth something to this hospital.
House: Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You're not going to fire me.
Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last if you don’t do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. (Cuddy has said "job" so many times now that you can only assume House's mind has wandered to other prospects)
House: Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.”
Somehow we all trust that that philosophy does not apply to Cuddy.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. Much to his dismay, Cuddy shows House just who's boss (aka: in which Cuddy snugly secures House's balls in her Prada bag)
[House bursts into Cuddy’s office, yelling]
House: You pulled my authorization. And WHY were you not in the janitor's closet 20 minutes ago as we planned?
Cuddy: Yes, why are you yelling? (Notice how much nicer -- WARMER -- Cuddy's office is now. Because she knows House's eyes look best in summer colors.)
House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs.
Cuddy: You also can’t make long distance phone calls. (Administrative ZING!)
House: If you’re gonna fire me, have the guts to face me.
Cuddy: Or photocopies; you’re still yelling.
House: I’m ANGRY! You’re risking a patient’s life.
Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points. (If this were s4, you can bet there'd be a joke about "two points" here; ah, young love!)
House: You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I work here you have no legal…[interrupted] (Possibly the most hypocritical utterance to ever come from House?)
Cuddy: Is the yelling designed to scare me because I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That’s not scary.
Look at how much he actually seems to be ENJOYING this verbal match? Snarky foreplay FTW!
Cuddy: (continued) That you’re gonna hurt me? That’s scary, but I’m pretty sure I can outrun ya. ZING!
[House cracks a bit of a smile; Cuddy stands up from behind her desk]
Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted -- Jagger -- and you’re right, “You can’t always get what you want,” but as it turns out “if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
House: So, because you want me to treat patients, you're not letting me treat patients.
Cuddy: I need you to do your job. (House's mind wanders yet again)
[House pops a pill, leaves of Cuddy’s office; Wilson and the ducklings are there]
Again with the look of sheer enjoyment -- the afterglow!
House: Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I’ve gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I’ve missed. 2054. I’ll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. House shows up for clinic duty (pigs fly)
[House enters the clinic]
House: 12:52 PM, Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes.
Cuddy: No TV, but we’ve got patients.
House: Can’t you give out the aspirin yourself? I’ll do paperwork.
Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one.
House: Cough just won’t go away, runny nose looks a funny color?
Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.
House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine--
Cuddy: Patient is orange. (Even Cuddy can't hide her reaction to this horrendously orange episode!)
House: The color?
Cuddy: No, the fruit. (mini zing?)
House: You mean yellow; it’s jaundice.
Cuddy: I mean orange. (Cuddy was the top of her class in pre-school. The woman knows her colors, okay, House?)
House: Well, how orange?
Cuddy: Exam room 1.
Annnnd Cuddy waits for the last moment physically possible to take her hands off House. He misses her already.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy questions House's course of treatment for his patient
[Cuddy enters an exam room, House is sitting and reading a magazine with “Spring’s Hottest People" on the cover]
House: I’m doing research. People are fascinating aren’t they?
Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler steroids?
House: Because, she’s my patient. That’s what you do with patients. You give them medicine.
Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? Nice.
Cuddy: I’m stopping the treatment.
[Cuddy leaves, House follows] Foreplay in Motion, round 2 -- House and Cuddy like an audience.
House: She’s my patient.
Cuddy: It’s my hospital.
House: I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what’s wrong with her.
Cuddy: With no proof.
House: There’s never any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence.
[They stop at the elevator, Cuddy presses the button]
Cuddy: You don’t have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always think you’re right?
House: I don’t, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Cuddy: Because I’m a doctor. [she moves towards the stairs] Because when we make mistakes people die. (House loves General Hospital; Cuddy quotes General Hospital. It's LOVE!)
[She walks up the stairs] Really, she RUNS, LEAPS up the stairs. In HEELS. The woman's talents are endless
House: Come on.
[House steps on the first step, but stops, deciding not to try following her this way]
House: People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn’t really.
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House gets lucky (no, not THAT way)
[Cut to Cuddy entering Rebecca’s room. Rebecca is eating voraciously.] CUDDY IN GLASSES!
Cuddy; So, how ya feeling?
Rebecca: Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but…?
Cuddy: No. Don’t eat too much too fast.
Rebecca: Thank him for me.
Cuddy: Right. *fake smile*
[Cuddy exits the room, House is standing there, smirking. Cuddy turns toward him, surprised to see him there.]
House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss? (This scene is so much love, but not only is it especially orange, the magenta is picking a fight with me now.)
Cuddy: You got lucky.
[She walks off, House watches her] HE WATCHES HER
House: Cool, huh? (First glimpse of House's and Cuddy's magnetic attraction that results in so little personal space?)
- - - - - - - - - -
VI.The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have
[The patient formerly known as Orange is sitting with Cuddy in her office.]
Patient: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said.
Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he’s an idiot.
Patient: I was ORANGE.
Cuddy: I don’t want to know what you found out. [she looks a bit pained]
Patient: You don’t care?
Cuddy: I’m your doctor. You’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she’s not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him. But I can’t, even if it costs me your money. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
[Cut to patient touching his ring finger, where his wedding ring used to be]
Note to Bryan Singer: I know you directed the X-Men series, but to my recollection, Thing wasn't in those movies, so making everyone at PPTH ORANGE serves no cross-promotional purpose. Not that orange highlights and magenta shadows don't flatter all skin types. I must now take my Forget-Me-Nows so I can block the memory of the orangeness and live to watch the pilot another day.