GUIDE: 1x01 The Pilot
1x01 - PILOT
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 16, 2004
A young kindergarten teacher, Rebecca Adler, who suffers from seizures collapses in her classroom after uncontrolled gibberish slips out her mouth while she is about to teach her students. She is taken to Dr. House and his team of experts who identify it might be a tumor, and she might have only a week to live.
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I. Cuddy confronts House about his work ethic (or lack thereof)
[Cut to House standing at the elevator, he sees Cuddy and presses the down button twice]
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that’s odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago.
Cuddy: You think we have nothing to talk about?
House: No, just that I can’t think of anything that I’d be interested in.
Cuddy: I sign your paychecks.
House: I have tenure. [House moves to enter elevator, then turns] Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving?
Cuddy: That would be juvenile.
[House enters elevator, Cuddy follows right behind him]
Cuddy: I can still fire you if you’re not doing your job.
House: I’m here from 9 to 5.
Cuddy: Your billings are practically nonexistent.
House: Rough year.
Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults.
House: I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
Cuddy: You’re 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic.
House: See, I was right, this doesn’t interest me.
Cuddy: 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better then 4 months.
House: It’s 5:00. I’m going home.
Cuddy: To what?
House: Nice.
[They exit the elevator into the hospital lobby]
Cuddy: Look, Dr. House, the only reason why I don’t fire you is because your reputation is still worth something to this hospital.
House: Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You're not going to fire me.
Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last if you don’t do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
House: Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.”
[House exits]
- - - - - - - - - -
II. Much to his dismay, Cuddy shows House just who's boss (aka: in which Cuddy snugly secures House's balls in her Prada bag)
[House bursts into Cuddy’s office, yelling]
House: You pulled my authorization.
Cuddy: Yes, why are you yelling?
House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs.
Cuddy: You also can’t make long distance phone calls.
House: If you’re gonna fire me, have the guts to face me.
Cuddy: Or photocopies; you’re still yelling.
House: I’m ANGRY! You’re risking a patient’s life.
Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.
House: You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I work here you have no legal…[interrupted]
Cuddy: Is the yelling designed to scare me because I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That’s not scary. That you’re gonna hurt me? That’s scary, but I’m pretty sure I can outrun ya.
[House cracks a bit of a smile; Cuddy stands up from behind her desk]
Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted -- Jagger -- and you’re right, “You can’t always get what you want,” but as it turns out “if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
House: So, because you want me to treat patients, you're not letting me treat patients.
Cuddy: I need you to do your job.
[House pops a pill, leaves of Cuddy’s office; Wilson and the ducklings are there]
House: Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I’ve gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I’ve missed. 2054. I’ll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. House shows up for clinic duty (pigs fly)
[House enters the clinic]
House: 12:52 PM, Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes.
Cuddy: No TV, but we’ve got patients.
House: Can’t you give out the aspirin yourself? I’ll do paperwork.
Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one.
House: Cough just won’t go away, runny nose looks a funny color.
Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.
House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine--
Cuddy: Patient is orange.
House: The color?
Cuddy: No, the fruit.
House: You mean yellow; it’s jaundice.
Cuddy: I mean orange.
House: Well, how orange?
Cuddy: Exam room 1.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy questions House's course of treatment for his patient
[Cuddy enters an exam room, House is sitting and reading a magazine with “Spring’s Hottest People" on the cover]
House: I’m doing research. People are fascinating aren’t they?
Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler steroids?
House: Because, she’s my patient. That’s what you do with patients. You give them medicine.
Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? Nice.
Cuddy: I’m stopping the treatment.
[Cuddy leaves, House follows]
House: She’s my patient.
Cuddy: It’s my hospital.
House: I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what’s wrong with her.
Cuddy: With no proof.
House: There’s never any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence.
[They stop at the elevator, Cuddy presses the button]
Cuddy: You don’t have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always think you’re right?
House: I don’t, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Cuddy: Because I’m a doctor. [she moves towards the stairs] Because when we make mistakes people die.
[She walks off up the stairs]
House: Come on.
[House steps on the first step, but stops, deciding not to try following her this way]
House: People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn’t really.
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House gets lucky (no, not THAT way)
[Cut to Cuddy entering Rebecca’s room. Rebecca is eating voraciously.]
Cuddy; So, how ya feeling?
Rebecca: Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but…?
Cuddy: No. Don’t eat too much too fast.
Rebecca: Thank him for me.
Cuddy: Right.
[Cuddy exits the room, House is standing there, smirking. Cuddy turns toward him, surprised to see him there.]
House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss?
Cuddy: You got lucky.
[She walks off, House watches her]
House: Cool, huh?
- - - - - - - - - -
VI. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have
[The patient formerly known as Orange is sitting with Cuddy in her office]
Patient: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said.
Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he’s an idiot.
Patient: I was ORANGE.
Cuddy: I don’t want to know what you found out. [she looks a bit pained]
Patient: You don’t care?
Cuddy: I’m your doctor. You’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she’s not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him. But I can’t, even if it costs me your money. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
[Cut to patient touching his ring finger, where his wedding ring used to be]
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 16, 2004
A young kindergarten teacher, Rebecca Adler, who suffers from seizures collapses in her classroom after uncontrolled gibberish slips out her mouth while she is about to teach her students. She is taken to Dr. House and his team of experts who identify it might be a tumor, and she might have only a week to live.
- - - - - - - - - -
I. Cuddy confronts House about his work ethic (or lack thereof)
[Cut to House standing at the elevator, he sees Cuddy and presses the down button twice]
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that’s odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago.
Cuddy: You think we have nothing to talk about?
House: No, just that I can’t think of anything that I’d be interested in.
Cuddy: I sign your paychecks.
House: I have tenure. [House moves to enter elevator, then turns] Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving?
Cuddy: That would be juvenile.
[House enters elevator, Cuddy follows right behind him]
Cuddy: I can still fire you if you’re not doing your job.
House: I’m here from 9 to 5.
Cuddy: Your billings are practically nonexistent.
House: Rough year.
Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults.
House: I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
Cuddy: You’re 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic.
House: See, I was right, this doesn’t interest me.
Cuddy: 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better then 4 months.
House: It’s 5:00. I’m going home.
Cuddy: To what?
House: Nice.
[They exit the elevator into the hospital lobby]
Cuddy: Look, Dr. House, the only reason why I don’t fire you is because your reputation is still worth something to this hospital.
House: Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You're not going to fire me.
Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last if you don’t do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
House: Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.”
[House exits]
- - - - - - - - - -
II. Much to his dismay, Cuddy shows House just who's boss (aka: in which Cuddy snugly secures House's balls in her Prada bag)
[House bursts into Cuddy’s office, yelling]
House: You pulled my authorization.
Cuddy: Yes, why are you yelling?
House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs.
Cuddy: You also can’t make long distance phone calls.
House: If you’re gonna fire me, have the guts to face me.
Cuddy: Or photocopies; you’re still yelling.
House: I’m ANGRY! You’re risking a patient’s life.
Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.
House: You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I work here you have no legal…[interrupted]
Cuddy: Is the yelling designed to scare me because I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That’s not scary. That you’re gonna hurt me? That’s scary, but I’m pretty sure I can outrun ya.
[House cracks a bit of a smile; Cuddy stands up from behind her desk]
Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted -- Jagger -- and you’re right, “You can’t always get what you want,” but as it turns out “if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
House: So, because you want me to treat patients, you're not letting me treat patients.
Cuddy: I need you to do your job.
[House pops a pill, leaves of Cuddy’s office; Wilson and the ducklings are there]
House: Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I’ve gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I’ve missed. 2054. I’ll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. House shows up for clinic duty (pigs fly)
[House enters the clinic]
House: 12:52 PM, Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes.
Cuddy: No TV, but we’ve got patients.
House: Can’t you give out the aspirin yourself? I’ll do paperwork.
Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one.
House: Cough just won’t go away, runny nose looks a funny color.
Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.
House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine--
Cuddy: Patient is orange.
House: The color?
Cuddy: No, the fruit.
House: You mean yellow; it’s jaundice.
Cuddy: I mean orange.
House: Well, how orange?
Cuddy: Exam room 1.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy questions House's course of treatment for his patient
[Cuddy enters an exam room, House is sitting and reading a magazine with “Spring’s Hottest People" on the cover]
House: I’m doing research. People are fascinating aren’t they?
Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler steroids?
House: Because, she’s my patient. That’s what you do with patients. You give them medicine.
Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? Nice.
Cuddy: I’m stopping the treatment.
[Cuddy leaves, House follows]
House: She’s my patient.
Cuddy: It’s my hospital.
House: I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what’s wrong with her.
Cuddy: With no proof.
House: There’s never any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence.
[They stop at the elevator, Cuddy presses the button]
Cuddy: You don’t have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always think you’re right?
House: I don’t, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Cuddy: Because I’m a doctor. [she moves towards the stairs] Because when we make mistakes people die.
[She walks off up the stairs]
House: Come on.
[House steps on the first step, but stops, deciding not to try following her this way]
House: People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn’t really.
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House gets lucky (no, not THAT way)
[Cut to Cuddy entering Rebecca’s room. Rebecca is eating voraciously.]
Cuddy; So, how ya feeling?
Rebecca: Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but…?
Cuddy: No. Don’t eat too much too fast.
Rebecca: Thank him for me.
Cuddy: Right.
[Cuddy exits the room, House is standing there, smirking. Cuddy turns toward him, surprised to see him there.]
House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss?
Cuddy: You got lucky.
[She walks off, House watches her]
House: Cool, huh?
- - - - - - - - - -
VI. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have
[The patient formerly known as Orange is sitting with Cuddy in her office]
Patient: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said.
Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he’s an idiot.
Patient: I was ORANGE.
Cuddy: I don’t want to know what you found out. [she looks a bit pained]
Patient: You don’t care?
Cuddy: I’m your doctor. You’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she’s not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him. But I can’t, even if it costs me your money. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.
[Cut to patient touching his ring finger, where his wedding ring used to be]