New Plan(s), I Guess...
It's been a shitty past few days for a lot of reasons; are you ready? Yuck well if you know me you know my mother has been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember, especially since we came to GA. She just causes all kinds of problems and just doesn't give a shit how all of it affects others. So I'm here with her and now that I am I really can't remember why the hell I agreed to do this because I just knew something like this would happen. Now she's convinced that she's doing wrong by dad by being up here (or this is her current excuse anyway) so she wants to go back. Pretty much what I get out of it is that she has never before had to take care of herself and she just can't handle it. She wants to go back to GA so Dad can take care of her and she won't have to do shit, again. This is really why she wanted me to come to OR too because she's been treating my like her personal fucking maid and butler, especially now that she is trying to stop drinking AGAIN. Dad won't let her come back unless she stops what she's doing, and rightfully so, but I know that as soon as he lets her back and she gets comfortable again its all going to start over. After being in the house without her I really don't want to go back to the anarchy. I might have to find a way to move out because I just can't go through all of it again. Besides which, she literally treats everyone like her servant and I am hard pressed to put up with it for long. If she wants her smokes or the clicker or some fucking groceries she should get off her ass and get them herself, it's not like she does anything else SHIT! You know, as well, I don't feel any pity or even admiration for her trying to quit again because 1) she did this to herself (over and over again) 2) she left dad just to piss him off and cause him more problems, that back fired on her but still she did it out of spite 3) this is her 5th or 6th time with this act and I've seen it and dealt with it before and 4) I really just can't bring myself to feel much of anything for her anymore after everything she has done to me, Alex, and Dad. As far as I'm concerned she should just stay out here and deal with her own damn problems and let us have a decent life that we can't have with her. So, since I am here it is my job to get her through detox again, which will basically be a week of hell (more so than usual). She'll be really sick and more beligerent than usual and it will take all I have not to pop her one in the face. She already treats me like shit so I can't imagine when she's in a bad mood. Albertine is supposed to help out but I don't really expect much because she has her own life too. Mom wants to get back to GA as soon as she can so once she's clean I guess she is going to have dad fly her back but rent is already paid through October so I think I might be staying here for an extra month and working toward my plane ticket home. My cousin Julian will probably come and stay with me bacause the neighorhood isn't great and I don't really want to be here by myself anyway. Maybe by taking some time before I come home I will miss all the drama of my mother and father living together again, ugh. I feel bad for dad because he doesn't need or deserve this and in my opinion he should have left her in the dust years ago. She has all these issues and all these people willing to help her but she just doesn't want to get better. Now, on top of everything, my aunt is giving my mom aderol to to deal with the 'anxeity' what kind of stupid shit is that. Let her deal with her fucking anxeity, it is her issue and covering it up with pills is not going to help anyone. SHIT! So I guess I am stuck with this situation for now. I miss everybody, sorry my life is a fucking mess all the time....DAMMIT! I am just so upset about it I can't even express myself clearly.
<3 Jessi
<3 Jessi