Mom:
I've had a really rough couple of days. I don't know if it's because tomorrow is the 19th, and somehow my subconscious realized the date was approaching even when I didn't. I don't know if it's because I've been sick this week. I don't know if it's because I had to give that speech in class on Tuesday. And I don't know if it's because they lost my luggage in Vegas, and my first reaction was, naturally, to call you and I couldn't. Or I guess it could be all the dreams I've been having of you lately. But dreams are made from my subconscious, aren't they? Whatev. Who knows. I just know I've had a really rough couple of days.
Thursday when I left the doctor I felt so lonely. For my whole life every time I've left the doctor I've called you to tell you what he said, if you weren't with me, and oftentimes you were. But this time, I didn't have anyone to call. I know I have other people in my life who care, but no one who cares in the same way you did. That sort of caring can't be replicated in anyone else. You would have gotten my prescription for me and brought me food and gatorade that I would have poured down the drain a week later, unopened. You never did stop buying me gatorade, even after knowing I've always hated the stuff. Well now I'd give anything to have someone buy me some nasty gatorade.
And then yesterday and today I've just been a puddle of grief. I guess I'm going to have days like this.
You know I had to give that stupid speech on Tuesday. "Why I'm a returning student." Well, my reason is not for them to know, and I struggled with it for a week. I kept thinking of getting up there any lying, but I couldn't come up with anything convincing other than, "I want to make more money." So I got up there and I told the truth. I am NOT a pretty crier and yet there I was, in front of 16 strangers, crying my eyes out. I don't share my grief with hardly anyone and I'm still really pissed off I had to share it with them. I just feel like what happened to us is MINE and not something I should ever have to share with another living soul if I don't feel like it. I'm oddly possessive of it.
Thanksgiving is this week. I can't wait for the fucking holiday's to be over with. I'm dreading them with my entire being. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact I feel obligated to be with Josh and the kids, I'd go away. Far, far away.
Thursday when I left the doctor I felt so lonely. For my whole life every time I've left the doctor I've called you to tell you what he said, if you weren't with me, and oftentimes you were. But this time, I didn't have anyone to call. I know I have other people in my life who care, but no one who cares in the same way you did. That sort of caring can't be replicated in anyone else. You would have gotten my prescription for me and brought me food and gatorade that I would have poured down the drain a week later, unopened. You never did stop buying me gatorade, even after knowing I've always hated the stuff. Well now I'd give anything to have someone buy me some nasty gatorade.
And then yesterday and today I've just been a puddle of grief. I guess I'm going to have days like this.
You know I had to give that stupid speech on Tuesday. "Why I'm a returning student." Well, my reason is not for them to know, and I struggled with it for a week. I kept thinking of getting up there any lying, but I couldn't come up with anything convincing other than, "I want to make more money." So I got up there and I told the truth. I am NOT a pretty crier and yet there I was, in front of 16 strangers, crying my eyes out. I don't share my grief with hardly anyone and I'm still really pissed off I had to share it with them. I just feel like what happened to us is MINE and not something I should ever have to share with another living soul if I don't feel like it. I'm oddly possessive of it.
Thanksgiving is this week. I can't wait for the fucking holiday's to be over with. I'm dreading them with my entire being. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact I feel obligated to be with Josh and the kids, I'd go away. Far, far away.