10 easy steps
so since i don't feel like writing about my horribly depressing personal life, i've decided to post a sort of to-do list (for me) as written by ms. amanda massey...enjoy!
Claire's 10 Easy Steps to Get Off the Street
1. Remember that a tube sock cannot be constituted as an outfit.
2. Refrain from walking up to strangers and shouting, "I want your sex!"
3. When your pimp asks for his percentage and you don't have the cash, don't offer him a blowjob instead.
4. Pick new places to take cigarette breaks, rather than in front of Silk 'n Lace and The Red Garter.
5. Stop propositioning men with badges in uniform by saying, "Can I sneak up on your penis like I'm going to arrest it?"
6. If your boots come up to your crotch, consider loafers.
7. Whistling at homeless men is just desparate-you'd have to pay them to hit that.
8. Give money to people who play instruments on the street, not flavored condoms and K-Y jelly.
9. Yelling, "I'm looser than a bucket of water!" is unbecoming of a lady.
10. Once you're comfortable with your new, demure self, if a man tries to assault you, grab his peter and pull.
I lied. I am going to write about my horribly depressing personal life because I am so confused by it. So this guy that I like, the same one who was supposed to come over (supposed to being the key words here) on Saturday, the same one who stated that we were kind of dating, the same one who has said that he is in fact interested in me (which surprised the hell out of me), has in fact done everything in his power to completely contradict everything that I've heard. He blew me off Saturday (not just me, so that makes me feel a smidgen better, but still!), completely avoided me Monday at work, but then kinda started talking to me again Tuesday night. So whatever. Normally I would take this to mean that he is in fact not interested in me and actually dislikes me quite a bit, however, this is rather normal for him and is not aimed solely at me. So I (for the most part) carry on as I normally do at work. I talk to him when need be, because I'm trying to give him his space, I talk to and joke around with everybody else, cuz that's how I do, and I try not to let it bother me, even though it does...a lot. And I think that I'm being very considerate, considering the fact that he's the one who blew me off and I'm not at all shitty and attitudinal with him. It's quite the opposite, actually. Weird, huh? Anyway, I diverge. So after work last night, I went to Subway like I always do, which everyone at work and elsewhere (for the most part) knows. And let me tell you how surprised I was when I pulled into the parking lot and saw that his truck was there. Now it is possible that he was just in the mood for Subway, but that is highly unlikely. So I think to myself, "Well maybe he just wanted to talk to me somewhere other than work." because there's no way that you could ever have an actual conversation at work, let alone a private one. But alas, this was not the case. I walked in, asked if I could sit with him (cuz I'm polite like that), and attempted to start a conversation. Well I failed horribly, or rather, I didn't so much fail because he pretty much refused to talk. So we sat there in awkward silence, I finished eating, and then got up to leave. Now I figured that he would probably stay there, seeing as how he had a newspaper sitting in front of him and he wasn't finished with his food, but no. He got up, threw his stuff away, and walked out with me. Can someone tell me how that makes any kind of sense?!?!? Because first of all, if he didn't want me to sit with him, he could have just said that. Which most people wouldn't do, because they don't want to be outrightly harsh, so I'll give you that. But why would he purposefully go somewhere where he knows I'll be and then semi-wait around for me to get there? (He got off of work about 45 minutes before I did.) And then, why would he leave when I was if he clearly was not done with whatever it was he had been doing? Or, if he was in fact done, then why would he stay when he was finished before me? If he didn't want to be around me at all, then he could have just left whenever. Either way, none of it makes any kind of sense. Or should I say, none of it makes any kind of sense to me. I don't know, maybe I'm just being typical me and overanalyzing this way too much, but I'd still like to know what in the world is going on. I'm baffled by the whole thing and am unsure of what it is exactly that I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe nothing. I don't know. And what makes it even more bewildering is that I can about guarantee that by Monday he'll be acting like he normally does: talking, hanging out, kidding around, etc., etc.. I feel like I'm the one who's messed up somehow, which I hate, cuz I know that I haven't. But I still find myself trying to make the situation better, which is impossible, because I don't even know what the problem is. So now I'm at a stalemate, because there's so much that I want to say, some of which I know I shouldn't and the rest of which I am just way too scared to. Anyway, if anyone wanted to offer me some advice or insight or just speculation, I would be thrilled. Because I'm exhausting myself trying to think of reasons for his behavior or things I could have done to make him mopey or things I could now do to make him not mopey. God, I hate this. "So, just say how to make it right, and I swear I'll do my best to comply."
Claire's 10 Easy Steps to Get Off the Street
1. Remember that a tube sock cannot be constituted as an outfit.
2. Refrain from walking up to strangers and shouting, "I want your sex!"
3. When your pimp asks for his percentage and you don't have the cash, don't offer him a blowjob instead.
4. Pick new places to take cigarette breaks, rather than in front of Silk 'n Lace and The Red Garter.
5. Stop propositioning men with badges in uniform by saying, "Can I sneak up on your penis like I'm going to arrest it?"
6. If your boots come up to your crotch, consider loafers.
7. Whistling at homeless men is just desparate-you'd have to pay them to hit that.
8. Give money to people who play instruments on the street, not flavored condoms and K-Y jelly.
9. Yelling, "I'm looser than a bucket of water!" is unbecoming of a lady.
10. Once you're comfortable with your new, demure self, if a man tries to assault you, grab his peter and pull.
I lied. I am going to write about my horribly depressing personal life because I am so confused by it. So this guy that I like, the same one who was supposed to come over (supposed to being the key words here) on Saturday, the same one who stated that we were kind of dating, the same one who has said that he is in fact interested in me (which surprised the hell out of me), has in fact done everything in his power to completely contradict everything that I've heard. He blew me off Saturday (not just me, so that makes me feel a smidgen better, but still!), completely avoided me Monday at work, but then kinda started talking to me again Tuesday night. So whatever. Normally I would take this to mean that he is in fact not interested in me and actually dislikes me quite a bit, however, this is rather normal for him and is not aimed solely at me. So I (for the most part) carry on as I normally do at work. I talk to him when need be, because I'm trying to give him his space, I talk to and joke around with everybody else, cuz that's how I do, and I try not to let it bother me, even though it does...a lot. And I think that I'm being very considerate, considering the fact that he's the one who blew me off and I'm not at all shitty and attitudinal with him. It's quite the opposite, actually. Weird, huh? Anyway, I diverge. So after work last night, I went to Subway like I always do, which everyone at work and elsewhere (for the most part) knows. And let me tell you how surprised I was when I pulled into the parking lot and saw that his truck was there. Now it is possible that he was just in the mood for Subway, but that is highly unlikely. So I think to myself, "Well maybe he just wanted to talk to me somewhere other than work." because there's no way that you could ever have an actual conversation at work, let alone a private one. But alas, this was not the case. I walked in, asked if I could sit with him (cuz I'm polite like that), and attempted to start a conversation. Well I failed horribly, or rather, I didn't so much fail because he pretty much refused to talk. So we sat there in awkward silence, I finished eating, and then got up to leave. Now I figured that he would probably stay there, seeing as how he had a newspaper sitting in front of him and he wasn't finished with his food, but no. He got up, threw his stuff away, and walked out with me. Can someone tell me how that makes any kind of sense?!?!? Because first of all, if he didn't want me to sit with him, he could have just said that. Which most people wouldn't do, because they don't want to be outrightly harsh, so I'll give you that. But why would he purposefully go somewhere where he knows I'll be and then semi-wait around for me to get there? (He got off of work about 45 minutes before I did.) And then, why would he leave when I was if he clearly was not done with whatever it was he had been doing? Or, if he was in fact done, then why would he stay when he was finished before me? If he didn't want to be around me at all, then he could have just left whenever. Either way, none of it makes any kind of sense. Or should I say, none of it makes any kind of sense to me. I don't know, maybe I'm just being typical me and overanalyzing this way too much, but I'd still like to know what in the world is going on. I'm baffled by the whole thing and am unsure of what it is exactly that I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe nothing. I don't know. And what makes it even more bewildering is that I can about guarantee that by Monday he'll be acting like he normally does: talking, hanging out, kidding around, etc., etc.. I feel like I'm the one who's messed up somehow, which I hate, cuz I know that I haven't. But I still find myself trying to make the situation better, which is impossible, because I don't even know what the problem is. So now I'm at a stalemate, because there's so much that I want to say, some of which I know I shouldn't and the rest of which I am just way too scared to. Anyway, if anyone wanted to offer me some advice or insight or just speculation, I would be thrilled. Because I'm exhausting myself trying to think of reasons for his behavior or things I could have done to make him mopey or things I could now do to make him not mopey. God, I hate this. "So, just say how to make it right, and I swear I'll do my best to comply."