about as deep as a rain puddle...
or something like that...anyway, so since this topic keeps continually being brought up in my life and in my mind, i've decided to devote further time, energy, and (possibly) wasted words on it yet again...oh how sad and pathetic i am...no, that's not true...i lied...anyway, so as previously mentioned in the last update 'o mine, i went down to see joni on friday, and yes the whole relationship thing came up again...and we chatted about it for a bit...amanda even threw her two cents in, which should come as a surprise to no one...so we established that i'm okay with the whole dating and relationship having thing, however the concept of love was mentioned and, in case you are unaware, i panicked at the mention of this...i'm not sure why (well that's a semi-lie) i tend to freak out when i think about being in love, but i do...every time...like clockwork...it's amazing how predictable i am sometimes...anyway, i have an overwhelming abhorrance to the thought of love...and i'm trying to work through this and get over it, cuz i have a feeling that if i do a relationship would come much easier to me...shocking idea, i know...some may call it revolutionary...okay, i call it revolutionary, everybody else probably calls it common sense...but the more and more i think about it, the more the realizations or rather possibilities keep flying at me...so rather than evade all of this like i usually do, i'm just going to lay it all out there, provided that i can remember it all...i think the reason why i'm so petrified by love is that all of the love i've experienced in my life has been conditional...even from my family...it has always been revoked at some point or another, and in my mind, that should not be possible...love should be permanant...i would never tell someone i loved them and that is was absolutely unconditional and then all of a sudden decide that nope, that's no longer true...and then take back my love...fucking indian givers...hey bitter me, what's up? it just seems completely unfair and unpredictable...and i don't like the idea that things such as love are unpredictable...it should be steady and unwaivering...otherwise, what's the point...or maybe i'm just too terrified of being split apart...cuz that's what love does...it cuts you down the middle and flays you wide open...and if at some point that love that i had come to rely on was taken away for whatever reason, i don't think i'd be able to put myself back together...i'd just be walking around a half-Claire, and i'll be honest, that isn't at all a pleasant thought...no thank you, i'll have none of that...or maybe i just don't love myself enough to let someone else love me...because even though i talk a lot of shit about how great i am, i'm not sure that i believe that on a fundamental level...sometimes, it's extremely hard and painful to get through a day just being me...or maybe i'm scared of actually letting someone get so close to me that i risk losing who i am, sacrificing some essential part of me in the name of compromise and love...i would hate that...i really would...i see so many people completely change their whole personalities unknowingly to conform to whatever mold they think they need to fit into in order to be with someone, and maybe i'm scared that i'll turn into one of those people...because if i did, and then i lost that person, what would i have left...i wouldn't even have me anymore, because i wouldn't know who i was anymore...i would hate to lose touch with myself like that...maybe i just believe that i'm not enough by just being me and that if i let someone in they'll discover that and then my secret will be revealed...or maybe i just don't like the thought of being that vulnerable and not in control over my faculties...but i'm sure that one of these days love will hit me square in the face and catch me off guard and i'll be okay with it all...all of that of course assumes that the possibility of love is still present in my life...because sometimes i feel like i've unintentionally cut myself off from that aspect of life...like somehow i've subconsciously set myself apart from all of that and other people can just pick up on that vibe...ooo, i don't like that idea at all, so let's just pretend like that isn't at all a possibility...i can live with that...anyway, these are the things that i worry about and think about...and oh, but there's more...maybe i think that if someone knows who i truly am they will discover what a fucked up person i really am...cuz my past sometimes frightens even me...i marvel at the person that i once was and am constantly battling to not revert back into...and it worries me to think that i would have to share those struggles with someone else...so yes, i'm a nerd who thinks about love and guys a lot...and while i am for the most part an exuberant optimist, when it comes to matters of the heart, i tend to be an extreme pessimist...and maybe that's really what my problem is...maybe if i had a better outlook on these things i wouldn't struggle with them like i do...but then again, maybe not...what it comes down to in the end though is that there clearly is something about my way of thinking that needs to be severely altered...the trick, however, is truly discovering what that something is..."Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself."