...MORE LIKE GOLD NEWS
So it's been a while since I've posted. I have a really good* excuse.
I was doing whatever it is I do to commit vast amounts of ruthless chronocide when I had an idea. An idea so monumental, so mind-blowing, so astounding that it could very well revolutionize the way we live our lives. A crazy idea...but just crazy enough to work!
I spent the next several days in the laboratory of my secret underground lair, making all sorts of science happen. I mixed test tubes full of two substances which were different colors into one beaker where they turned into an entirely new color. A tesla coil was in operation, and large arcs of electricity would leap off of it and crackle upwards. I was mixing chemicals so...adjective that when I pulled out the spoon, it looked just like a burnt match.** I even laughed maniacally while lightning struck and thunder crashed in the background.***
Finally my idea had been realized! I had created a machine so powerful that it could only be used once in a given millennium or it would utterly destroy the universe. I like to call this mighty device "DAVE." DAVE isn't an acronym or anything, it's just so powerful that it needs to be capitalized. I spent the next few nanoseconds contemplating the ethical and moral implications of using such a powerful device before I fired DAVE up and used it to view the events of last weekend ...and what I saw terrified me. (it may take a little while to load if you're on dial-up...it's 850K and some change).
DAVE was a partial success. While it could successfully look at any point in history and recount every detail with infinite precision, a small error was propagated in the translation from teradimensional hyper-tachyon haversine-waves of arctime to animated .gif format and it made everything appear as if it had happened in Dragon Warrior for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Clearly DAVE was out of control. Unfortunately, DAVE sensed my desire to shut him down, and his self-defense programming kicked in. I strapped on my power armor and used my intimate knowledge of Ninjutsu to sneak past the rows of ocular sensors on DAVE's mainframe. Upon reaching DAVE's power supply, DAVE spotted me and transformed into a giant firebreathing robot. I managed to avoid being crushed under DAVE's herculean robotic firebreathing foot by raising a psychic shield, and then he opened his mouth to release a gout of fire. I knew my shield couldn't stand a direct hit, so I lowered it and dashed directly into his mouth as soon as he opened it and drew my magical laser gun and shot him in the giant glowing red light on his uvula (his weak point, which was only vulnerable when he used his most powerful attack). Then I saved the Princess and got a million points.
But I digress. The important question is, "When will people learn that you can't fuck with time?" Did Back to the Future teach us nothing? Also, think of the children.
* By good, I really mean "bad," or possibly "fucking bad."
** None of this is true in the least.
*** This part is probably true.
I was doing whatever it is I do to commit vast amounts of ruthless chronocide when I had an idea. An idea so monumental, so mind-blowing, so astounding that it could very well revolutionize the way we live our lives. A crazy idea...but just crazy enough to work!
I spent the next several days in the laboratory of my secret underground lair, making all sorts of science happen. I mixed test tubes full of two substances which were different colors into one beaker where they turned into an entirely new color. A tesla coil was in operation, and large arcs of electricity would leap off of it and crackle upwards. I was mixing chemicals so...adjective that when I pulled out the spoon, it looked just like a burnt match.** I even laughed maniacally while lightning struck and thunder crashed in the background.***
Finally my idea had been realized! I had created a machine so powerful that it could only be used once in a given millennium or it would utterly destroy the universe. I like to call this mighty device "DAVE." DAVE isn't an acronym or anything, it's just so powerful that it needs to be capitalized. I spent the next few nanoseconds contemplating the ethical and moral implications of using such a powerful device before I fired DAVE up and used it to view the events of last weekend ...and what I saw terrified me. (it may take a little while to load if you're on dial-up...it's 850K and some change).
DAVE was a partial success. While it could successfully look at any point in history and recount every detail with infinite precision, a small error was propagated in the translation from teradimensional hyper-tachyon haversine-waves of arctime to animated .gif format and it made everything appear as if it had happened in Dragon Warrior for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Clearly DAVE was out of control. Unfortunately, DAVE sensed my desire to shut him down, and his self-defense programming kicked in. I strapped on my power armor and used my intimate knowledge of Ninjutsu to sneak past the rows of ocular sensors on DAVE's mainframe. Upon reaching DAVE's power supply, DAVE spotted me and transformed into a giant firebreathing robot. I managed to avoid being crushed under DAVE's herculean robotic firebreathing foot by raising a psychic shield, and then he opened his mouth to release a gout of fire. I knew my shield couldn't stand a direct hit, so I lowered it and dashed directly into his mouth as soon as he opened it and drew my magical laser gun and shot him in the giant glowing red light on his uvula (his weak point, which was only vulnerable when he used his most powerful attack). Then I saved the Princess and got a million points.
But I digress. The important question is, "When will people learn that you can't fuck with time?" Did Back to the Future teach us nothing? Also, think of the children.
* By good, I really mean "bad," or possibly "fucking bad."
** None of this is true in the least.
*** This part is probably true.