Terry Pratchett has written a story for an imaginary character in a real portrait for the National P
The Tale of Joshua Easement
Terry Pratchett
Sir Joshua Easement, of Easement Manor, Shrewsbury, was, in his own estimation at least, one of the last of the old Elizabethan seadogs - an ambition that was somewhat thwarted by a total lack of a grasp of the principles of navigation. Documents in the National Maritime Museum reveal that Sir Joshua’s navigational method mainly consisted of bumping into things, and this was exacerbated by his absolute blindness to the difference between port and starboard. It was a joke among those seafarers who were lucky enough to have sailed with him and survived that this was because he had never drunk starboard, but had drunk practically everything else.
Such of his papers that survive give a tantalising hint that in failing to discover the Americas, he may nevertheless have discovered practically everywhere else. What can we make of the hint of a land of giant jumping rats, found in the southern oceans, but, owing to Sir Joshua’s recordkeeping, lost the following day?
Nevertheless, quite late in the reign of Elizabeth I, he succeeded not only in finding the Americas but also in finding England again. He then, with much ceremony, presented to Good Queen Bess a marvellous and intriguing animal from that far-off country whose black-and-white fur he deemed very attractive and fit for a queen.
It was at this point that the court really understood that in addition to only a nodding acquaintance with the concept of direction, Sir Joshua had no sense of smell whatsoever. This led to the queen, despite her growing infirmities, going on progress again at quite a high speed. When frantic courtiers asked about the destination she said: “Anywhere away from that bloodyee man.”
Nevertheless, even as relays of servants were scrubbing the palace floors and the female skunk was giving birth in the cellars, the Queen gave Sir Joshua the office of Captain of the Gongfermours or, in other words, in charge of the latrines, a post for which he was clearly well suited. Oblivious to the sniggers of the other courtiers, he took this position extremely seriously and even adopted on his coat of arms the motto Quod Init Exire Oportet (What Goes in Must Come Out). John Dee said of him: “He is a man born under the wrong stars, and has never learnt which ones they are.”
Dogged to the end, and oblivious to the noxious gasses that only he could not smell, he spent the last years of his life in the following century trying to find a way to harness their igniferous nature, achieving an overwhelming success which led to his hat being found in Kingswinford and his head being found in a bear pit in Dudley.
Terry Pratchett
Sir Joshua Easement, of Easement Manor, Shrewsbury, was, in his own estimation at least, one of the last of the old Elizabethan seadogs - an ambition that was somewhat thwarted by a total lack of a grasp of the principles of navigation. Documents in the National Maritime Museum reveal that Sir Joshua’s navigational method mainly consisted of bumping into things, and this was exacerbated by his absolute blindness to the difference between port and starboard. It was a joke among those seafarers who were lucky enough to have sailed with him and survived that this was because he had never drunk starboard, but had drunk practically everything else.
Such of his papers that survive give a tantalising hint that in failing to discover the Americas, he may nevertheless have discovered practically everywhere else. What can we make of the hint of a land of giant jumping rats, found in the southern oceans, but, owing to Sir Joshua’s recordkeeping, lost the following day?
Nevertheless, quite late in the reign of Elizabeth I, he succeeded not only in finding the Americas but also in finding England again. He then, with much ceremony, presented to Good Queen Bess a marvellous and intriguing animal from that far-off country whose black-and-white fur he deemed very attractive and fit for a queen.
It was at this point that the court really understood that in addition to only a nodding acquaintance with the concept of direction, Sir Joshua had no sense of smell whatsoever. This led to the queen, despite her growing infirmities, going on progress again at quite a high speed. When frantic courtiers asked about the destination she said: “Anywhere away from that bloodyee man.”
Nevertheless, even as relays of servants were scrubbing the palace floors and the female skunk was giving birth in the cellars, the Queen gave Sir Joshua the office of Captain of the Gongfermours or, in other words, in charge of the latrines, a post for which he was clearly well suited. Oblivious to the sniggers of the other courtiers, he took this position extremely seriously and even adopted on his coat of arms the motto Quod Init Exire Oportet (What Goes in Must Come Out). John Dee said of him: “He is a man born under the wrong stars, and has never learnt which ones they are.”
Dogged to the end, and oblivious to the noxious gasses that only he could not smell, he spent the last years of his life in the following century trying to find a way to harness their igniferous nature, achieving an overwhelming success which led to his hat being found in Kingswinford and his head being found in a bear pit in Dudley.