(no subject)
for what it's worth, i made today awesome, even though everyone around me was completely misearable. feeding off stress works out pretty well when you feed off other people's stress instead of your own. i busted it all day and then hit ultra-cruise starting at 4pm. lots of car-dancing-windows-down-hand-signaling-cloud-gazing going on. tried to make some pizza crust, but melted the bowl and overcooked the dough while trying to prep it. this was the sacrifice for my bliss i guess. say goodbye to two cups of flour, some yeast, water, sugar, and oil i guess.
i have a bad habit of self-medicating. i try to tell myself that it's better than being on anti-depressants because i start and stop depending on how "good" or "bad" i am, but really they are just different types of mental crutches. but it is empowering to know that i am responsible for my own progress or lack thereof.
i have been thinking the past couple days about negative emotions and their similarity to pain. namely, that they are psychological signals that something is wrong, much like pain is a physical signal that something is wrong. most people know that if they are in pain they should do something about it, but somehow people don't think that if they are under stress or psychological pressure they should make an effort to fix the issues that are bothering them.
this belief that psychological pain is only a symptom is why i try to avoid repressing it. like with pain pills - you can take them forever, but you won't ever fix what is causing you pain - you just end up needing more and more. in the case of psychological pain this takes the form of more and/or different anti-depressants or mood-altering drugs, which only serve to keep you from glimpsing the issue(s) just under your surface.
what makes certain mood altering drugs acceptable... the big business that goes into "proving" that they won't kill people in africa or china? the marketing which breaks it down into less risky alternatives than your inability to cope with reality? meeting the perceived status quo of millions of strangers you will never meet? the fact that your retirement is funded by the success of these tools of delusion? who is the main benefactor of your pharmaceutical dependency? who is the main benefactor of illegal chemical depenedency? why are you stuck in the middle?
i have a bad habit of self-medicating. i try to tell myself that it's better than being on anti-depressants because i start and stop depending on how "good" or "bad" i am, but really they are just different types of mental crutches. but it is empowering to know that i am responsible for my own progress or lack thereof.
i have been thinking the past couple days about negative emotions and their similarity to pain. namely, that they are psychological signals that something is wrong, much like pain is a physical signal that something is wrong. most people know that if they are in pain they should do something about it, but somehow people don't think that if they are under stress or psychological pressure they should make an effort to fix the issues that are bothering them.
this belief that psychological pain is only a symptom is why i try to avoid repressing it. like with pain pills - you can take them forever, but you won't ever fix what is causing you pain - you just end up needing more and more. in the case of psychological pain this takes the form of more and/or different anti-depressants or mood-altering drugs, which only serve to keep you from glimpsing the issue(s) just under your surface.
what makes certain mood altering drugs acceptable... the big business that goes into "proving" that they won't kill people in africa or china? the marketing which breaks it down into less risky alternatives than your inability to cope with reality? meeting the perceived status quo of millions of strangers you will never meet? the fact that your retirement is funded by the success of these tools of delusion? who is the main benefactor of your pharmaceutical dependency? who is the main benefactor of illegal chemical depenedency? why are you stuck in the middle?