See the Secrets scene...
Today on Life is fucked
Isabelle fell back on the ground laughing. She could barely control herself. He was so funny…why had she never noticed this ? oh...wait that’s right she’d never talked to him before. HA. HA. She stared at Red-Shirt or Shane should she say.
“Hey, I’ll walk you home ok?”. Her eyelashes fluttered, did she hear him right? Damn daydreaming…She got up and tried to see if he would say it again.
“ok..well...i’m heading home…” she drawled slowly.
“I said I’ll walk ya” Shane laughed.
They headed back down the slope her flip flops still in her hand his red shirt hanging off his shoulder. ‘Wow. Nice bod’ she thought as she slowed down to study him. He turned around “way to be slow!”. She grinned and skipped forward. They talked idle talk about bands, school and friends. When they’d gotten to her street she turned to face him…
“hey, thanks for the walk, you saved me from boredom”
“no problem” Shane said, punching her arm. “anytime”
She almost blurted out “really?!” but stopped herself just in time. “cool”. He started to turn away and waved back at her as she stared at his lean body jogging down her street. She sighed and almost skipped the last few steps to her house. Amazing. One step closer ! this is so cool. She had to call Justine and tell her what had happened…oh wow she would die!.
As she threw herself onto her futon she unclipped her cell phone. One missed call ? that was weird, she didn’t remember the phone ringing. She checked the messages...Jake. ‘ugh, not now!’ She thought. She listened to the message and heard Jakes pleas for another talk. She hated that voice; that tone. Never ceased to make her feel guilty. She shook her head and put her phone down…calling Justine just didn’t seem that appealing anymore. Isabelle decided to take a shower and calm her nerves before she called Jake back. She wanted this over as much as he did.
Two hours later she was crunched in a ball on her back porch with Jake holding her. The sun was setting and they sat there - together. No motion, just staring; both swept up in an ocean of emotions and words with no means of escape. After a few minutes of deep breathing she looked up into his face and met his shining eyes. They always surprised her, the way they were motionless, and yet searching, as if he could see right into her soul. She tried to edge away from his arms but he wouldn’t let go.
“don’t move” he whispered.
For the past hour they had been sitting there, discussing everything under the sun from their friendship to friends to school to parents to dreams. Isabelle felt calm now. No rolling waves in her stomach no persistent butterflies in her head. Everything was sorted out - for once, and it felt good. So she let him hold her as she got sleepier and the thoughts began to fade from her conscious.
“oh my god!” she sat bolt upright, and stared around her, she was in her room, tucked nicely into her bed. She turned to her dresser and noticed it was 6:30AM, a scrawled note obviously left by Jake the night before was propped up against one of their silly pictures. She smiled and held it. Last night felt like a dream. A good dream too. Now she didn’t have to worry about Jake’s spats and outbursts...now all she had to do was concentrate on Shane.
Remembering Shane she felt for her phone, which was usually under her pillow and made to dial Justine’s number. Before she could even press a button she noticed ‘4 messages’ flashing on her screen. She checked who they were all from…Jake. Confused she sat back up and listened carefully to each message. Each one was a conformation of his love and understanding. ‘Ok..this was weird’ she thought. Laying back down she grabbed her favorite pillow and called Justine ready to discuss boys - in general. Finding her line busy she thought about calling Mary-Anne…nope. no way. She was still caught up in her own drama. Which by the way never ends she added. The only other person awake at this hour would be Emma. She dialed Emma’s number and smiled when she heard her girly voice answer the phone. Taking a deep breath she began her story...most of which Emma knew anyway.
“oh I knew this was gonna happen!” Emma squealed.
“well..Ms Cleo..what am I gonna do?” Isabelle scoffed
“dah! Go for Shane..forget Jake”
Isabelle sat in silence, although she would never admit it, that was not the answer she was looking for.
“hello ? hello ?”
“sorry Em..just thinking”
“look babe..” Emma began. “just,….go for what you think is right ok, you know yourself better than anybody else”
“thanks” Isabelle smiled.
Hanging up the phone she decided that maybe she should pay an unexpected call over at Jakes. Getting dressed and doing her hair 5 times over she thought about what she was going to do when she got there. Unexpected. ‘just be spontaneous’ she told herself. Throwing her phone, lip gloss and keys into her new Coach purse she headed out the door.
‘good morning sunshine!” she called as Jake opened his front door looking disheveled and at most half awake. He stared at her as she pushed her way through the door made a spin in his front hall.
“so what’s up with all these calls ?” she questioned.
Jake stared at her then headed to the bathroom “one minute ‘kay ?”
Two minutes later he came out hair brushed and face washed. He cooked them breakfast and they sat at the kitchen table and ate. This is weird Isabelle thought..what am I supposed to think. She didn’t want to ruin this good streak though. His quiet calmness meant more to her than…well..than anything she concluded. Apparently she had made a face while thinking which set Jake into a choking laugh. Seeing his face half contorted into a grin she laughed as well and they sat there laughing, forks in hand, tears streaming down their faces. The back door slammed and they looked up to see who it was.
“hey I didn’t know we were having people over” Jake’s Mom smiled at Isabelle as she set down the groceries.
“yeah..ahh..we’re heading out right now” Jake bolted to get dressed as Isabelle helped his mom store the food. She was such a regular at his house that she knew everything about it…not to mention everyone in it. As he clomped down the stairs she looked up to see him wearing her favorite shirt.
He gave a sexy model walk “you likey ?”
She couldn’t help laughing “oh you know it”
Dear journal,
Have you ever had one of those nights where you cried your eyes out, because nothing is right? You cry because it seems like that’s the only thing that you can do. Just the thought of knowing that you’re life is going to be different, and the uncertainty…it presses into your heart and sits there. Mocking you. Assuring you that it will not leave you. The ache is the only thing that promises to stay with you...
I’ve been sitting here for what seems like years, staring at the computer screen, trying to find the words to say to Nate. He’s moving away. I won’t see him for awhile, and while I know that it’s not the end of the world, it hurts. I keep writing idiotic things. Because there is nothing, nothing…that seems to explain what I need to say to him. To thank him for helping me open my heart up again and helping me learn to trust. Kieran helped as well. But Nate moving seems so final. The final kick in the stomach. The end of a relationship that sorely needed closure. I feel like screaming. Screaming until I’m so hoarse that the only thing you will hear is my raspy sobbing. I found myself this year. I found that being comfortably numb isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. The love I feel in my soul…is magnificent. But journal, as he packs away his stuff I feel like he’s packing away my heart. I can’t say goodbye. I can’t watch him leave. Goodbye seems too cacophonous a sound at this moment. Too absolute. Can I get through my junior year without him? He’s always just been there, my best friend. How can I say that without revealing too much?
Confused as always,
Rachelle
Rachelle shoveled all of her picture scraps into the trashcan and stared at the goodbye collage she had made Nate. Something was missing. She cut the picture of them together and pasted it in the middle. She looked at the letter she had typed and frowned. It wasn’t good enough. She ripped it and tossed the shreds into the trashcan. Her eyes watered as she looked over the pictures and memories. The urge to throw the poster off the table and just step all over it until it was as pathetic as she felt was almost unbearable. The blank word document stared back at her with its luminescent happiness. She stared at it, wishing it could write the hardest goodbye she had ever had to do. She let her hands hover over the keyboard and thought as hard as she could. The letters came to her slowly. And soon it turned into the one thing that seemed obvious: I love you, and I always will. Goodbye Nate. Rachelle used her Christian Dior sleeve to wipe her eyes. If you love something let it go right? Why did that sound so phony now? So empty… She thought about the One Tree Hill episode the night before, a quote that seemed to echo in her head, “George Bernard Shaw once said, there are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your hearts desire, and the other is to gain it.” That seemed right. Her heart would experience both of those wouldn’t it? If she gained what she wanted it wouldn’t necessarily be the best thing, but losing it felt worse to her. And yet gaining what you so desperately want is all you can ever hope to achieve. The pain, the excitement, the sorrow, the joy…it helps you know that you’re alive. Wiping her eyes she thought, “I must really be alive.”
Nate carried the last box to the car and shoved it in between two larger boxes. The driveway was bare and empty. No one had come to say goodbye to him, not even Rachelle. Some best friend right? He heard loud rap down the street and looked up to see Julie and Jennifer pulling into the driveway. They waved and smiled at him with their red hair shining at him. He was mildly disappointed. He loved Julie and Jennifer, but where the hell was Rachelle. As he approached the car containing his two favorite red heads he mumbled, “I guess I found out who really matters.” He laughed and gave them huge hugs as they presented him with a large present and a slim wrapped poster board. They talked pleasantly for a couple of moments and when Nate kept looking around the corner over Julie’s shoulder they demanded to know who he was looking for.
“Are we boring you, because we can leave.”
“No..No. I was just…well I was. Nevermind. Forget it. Thanks for coming guys.”
They scoffed at the answer and said they needed to go. Jennifer suggested he looked at the poster board after they left. They blew him kisses as they pulled out the driveway. He kneeled and unwrapped the poster and stared at it. It was a collage. A collage of almost his entire last week of school, and in the middle was a picture of him and Rachelle. A note fell out of the wrapping paper; it was short, handwritten, and tear-stained. It said, “I couldn’t say goodbye to you. I hope you don’t hate me, but I can’t watch you leave, and not come back. You are my best friend, and I know that where you go you’ll succeed. I love you Nate, and I always will. Good luck with your new life. Goodbye. Love, Rachelle.” He looked up, wiped his eye and ripped the note in half. He walked over to the lake that touched his backyard and threw the note into the lake. “Bye Rachelle.”
Isabelle fell back on the ground laughing. She could barely control herself. He was so funny…why had she never noticed this ? oh...wait that’s right she’d never talked to him before. HA. HA. She stared at Red-Shirt or Shane should she say.
“Hey, I’ll walk you home ok?”. Her eyelashes fluttered, did she hear him right? Damn daydreaming…She got up and tried to see if he would say it again.
“ok..well...i’m heading home…” she drawled slowly.
“I said I’ll walk ya” Shane laughed.
They headed back down the slope her flip flops still in her hand his red shirt hanging off his shoulder. ‘Wow. Nice bod’ she thought as she slowed down to study him. He turned around “way to be slow!”. She grinned and skipped forward. They talked idle talk about bands, school and friends. When they’d gotten to her street she turned to face him…
“hey, thanks for the walk, you saved me from boredom”
“no problem” Shane said, punching her arm. “anytime”
She almost blurted out “really?!” but stopped herself just in time. “cool”. He started to turn away and waved back at her as she stared at his lean body jogging down her street. She sighed and almost skipped the last few steps to her house. Amazing. One step closer ! this is so cool. She had to call Justine and tell her what had happened…oh wow she would die!.
As she threw herself onto her futon she unclipped her cell phone. One missed call ? that was weird, she didn’t remember the phone ringing. She checked the messages...Jake. ‘ugh, not now!’ She thought. She listened to the message and heard Jakes pleas for another talk. She hated that voice; that tone. Never ceased to make her feel guilty. She shook her head and put her phone down…calling Justine just didn’t seem that appealing anymore. Isabelle decided to take a shower and calm her nerves before she called Jake back. She wanted this over as much as he did.
Two hours later she was crunched in a ball on her back porch with Jake holding her. The sun was setting and they sat there - together. No motion, just staring; both swept up in an ocean of emotions and words with no means of escape. After a few minutes of deep breathing she looked up into his face and met his shining eyes. They always surprised her, the way they were motionless, and yet searching, as if he could see right into her soul. She tried to edge away from his arms but he wouldn’t let go.
“don’t move” he whispered.
For the past hour they had been sitting there, discussing everything under the sun from their friendship to friends to school to parents to dreams. Isabelle felt calm now. No rolling waves in her stomach no persistent butterflies in her head. Everything was sorted out - for once, and it felt good. So she let him hold her as she got sleepier and the thoughts began to fade from her conscious.
“oh my god!” she sat bolt upright, and stared around her, she was in her room, tucked nicely into her bed. She turned to her dresser and noticed it was 6:30AM, a scrawled note obviously left by Jake the night before was propped up against one of their silly pictures. She smiled and held it. Last night felt like a dream. A good dream too. Now she didn’t have to worry about Jake’s spats and outbursts...now all she had to do was concentrate on Shane.
Remembering Shane she felt for her phone, which was usually under her pillow and made to dial Justine’s number. Before she could even press a button she noticed ‘4 messages’ flashing on her screen. She checked who they were all from…Jake. Confused she sat back up and listened carefully to each message. Each one was a conformation of his love and understanding. ‘Ok..this was weird’ she thought. Laying back down she grabbed her favorite pillow and called Justine ready to discuss boys - in general. Finding her line busy she thought about calling Mary-Anne…nope. no way. She was still caught up in her own drama. Which by the way never ends she added. The only other person awake at this hour would be Emma. She dialed Emma’s number and smiled when she heard her girly voice answer the phone. Taking a deep breath she began her story...most of which Emma knew anyway.
“oh I knew this was gonna happen!” Emma squealed.
“well..Ms Cleo..what am I gonna do?” Isabelle scoffed
“dah! Go for Shane..forget Jake”
Isabelle sat in silence, although she would never admit it, that was not the answer she was looking for.
“hello ? hello ?”
“sorry Em..just thinking”
“look babe..” Emma began. “just,….go for what you think is right ok, you know yourself better than anybody else”
“thanks” Isabelle smiled.
Hanging up the phone she decided that maybe she should pay an unexpected call over at Jakes. Getting dressed and doing her hair 5 times over she thought about what she was going to do when she got there. Unexpected. ‘just be spontaneous’ she told herself. Throwing her phone, lip gloss and keys into her new Coach purse she headed out the door.
‘good morning sunshine!” she called as Jake opened his front door looking disheveled and at most half awake. He stared at her as she pushed her way through the door made a spin in his front hall.
“so what’s up with all these calls ?” she questioned.
Jake stared at her then headed to the bathroom “one minute ‘kay ?”
Two minutes later he came out hair brushed and face washed. He cooked them breakfast and they sat at the kitchen table and ate. This is weird Isabelle thought..what am I supposed to think. She didn’t want to ruin this good streak though. His quiet calmness meant more to her than…well..than anything she concluded. Apparently she had made a face while thinking which set Jake into a choking laugh. Seeing his face half contorted into a grin she laughed as well and they sat there laughing, forks in hand, tears streaming down their faces. The back door slammed and they looked up to see who it was.
“hey I didn’t know we were having people over” Jake’s Mom smiled at Isabelle as she set down the groceries.
“yeah..ahh..we’re heading out right now” Jake bolted to get dressed as Isabelle helped his mom store the food. She was such a regular at his house that she knew everything about it…not to mention everyone in it. As he clomped down the stairs she looked up to see him wearing her favorite shirt.
He gave a sexy model walk “you likey ?”
She couldn’t help laughing “oh you know it”
Dear journal,
Have you ever had one of those nights where you cried your eyes out, because nothing is right? You cry because it seems like that’s the only thing that you can do. Just the thought of knowing that you’re life is going to be different, and the uncertainty…it presses into your heart and sits there. Mocking you. Assuring you that it will not leave you. The ache is the only thing that promises to stay with you...
I’ve been sitting here for what seems like years, staring at the computer screen, trying to find the words to say to Nate. He’s moving away. I won’t see him for awhile, and while I know that it’s not the end of the world, it hurts. I keep writing idiotic things. Because there is nothing, nothing…that seems to explain what I need to say to him. To thank him for helping me open my heart up again and helping me learn to trust. Kieran helped as well. But Nate moving seems so final. The final kick in the stomach. The end of a relationship that sorely needed closure. I feel like screaming. Screaming until I’m so hoarse that the only thing you will hear is my raspy sobbing. I found myself this year. I found that being comfortably numb isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. The love I feel in my soul…is magnificent. But journal, as he packs away his stuff I feel like he’s packing away my heart. I can’t say goodbye. I can’t watch him leave. Goodbye seems too cacophonous a sound at this moment. Too absolute. Can I get through my junior year without him? He’s always just been there, my best friend. How can I say that without revealing too much?
Confused as always,
Rachelle
Rachelle shoveled all of her picture scraps into the trashcan and stared at the goodbye collage she had made Nate. Something was missing. She cut the picture of them together and pasted it in the middle. She looked at the letter she had typed and frowned. It wasn’t good enough. She ripped it and tossed the shreds into the trashcan. Her eyes watered as she looked over the pictures and memories. The urge to throw the poster off the table and just step all over it until it was as pathetic as she felt was almost unbearable. The blank word document stared back at her with its luminescent happiness. She stared at it, wishing it could write the hardest goodbye she had ever had to do. She let her hands hover over the keyboard and thought as hard as she could. The letters came to her slowly. And soon it turned into the one thing that seemed obvious: I love you, and I always will. Goodbye Nate. Rachelle used her Christian Dior sleeve to wipe her eyes. If you love something let it go right? Why did that sound so phony now? So empty… She thought about the One Tree Hill episode the night before, a quote that seemed to echo in her head, “George Bernard Shaw once said, there are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your hearts desire, and the other is to gain it.” That seemed right. Her heart would experience both of those wouldn’t it? If she gained what she wanted it wouldn’t necessarily be the best thing, but losing it felt worse to her. And yet gaining what you so desperately want is all you can ever hope to achieve. The pain, the excitement, the sorrow, the joy…it helps you know that you’re alive. Wiping her eyes she thought, “I must really be alive.”
Nate carried the last box to the car and shoved it in between two larger boxes. The driveway was bare and empty. No one had come to say goodbye to him, not even Rachelle. Some best friend right? He heard loud rap down the street and looked up to see Julie and Jennifer pulling into the driveway. They waved and smiled at him with their red hair shining at him. He was mildly disappointed. He loved Julie and Jennifer, but where the hell was Rachelle. As he approached the car containing his two favorite red heads he mumbled, “I guess I found out who really matters.” He laughed and gave them huge hugs as they presented him with a large present and a slim wrapped poster board. They talked pleasantly for a couple of moments and when Nate kept looking around the corner over Julie’s shoulder they demanded to know who he was looking for.
“Are we boring you, because we can leave.”
“No..No. I was just…well I was. Nevermind. Forget it. Thanks for coming guys.”
They scoffed at the answer and said they needed to go. Jennifer suggested he looked at the poster board after they left. They blew him kisses as they pulled out the driveway. He kneeled and unwrapped the poster and stared at it. It was a collage. A collage of almost his entire last week of school, and in the middle was a picture of him and Rachelle. A note fell out of the wrapping paper; it was short, handwritten, and tear-stained. It said, “I couldn’t say goodbye to you. I hope you don’t hate me, but I can’t watch you leave, and not come back. You are my best friend, and I know that where you go you’ll succeed. I love you Nate, and I always will. Good luck with your new life. Goodbye. Love, Rachelle.” He looked up, wiped his eye and ripped the note in half. He walked over to the lake that touched his backyard and threw the note into the lake. “Bye Rachelle.”