Aug 29, 2007 22:38
i never post anymore. not because i dont think anyone will read it, i dont even write in my real journal anymore. i guess im too busy doing pretty much nothing to sit down and write. or maybe things are so confusing and not how i want them, that im too embarresed about them to put them into words for the world to read, let alone, myself. i think things are even worse than i let myself know. im afriad to know the full truth. i tell myself i want to know, and i find myself digging, but when i find something, even a hint, i choke up and all i wish is for it to go away. why do i love him? what has he done to earn my love and affection? seriously? why am i doing this? why? seriously? i want to be happy, i want to be happy with him. i want him to love me so much that he cant stand it, but its clear he doesnt. its not my fault that he doesnt love me. and i guess, its not a BAD thing that he doesnt, but why are we together if he doesnt? he says he will, but how does he know? if he knows he WILL, then why doesnt he ALREADY? see. that right there is something i wish i never said, never discovered. because now i opened my eyes to even more to make me feel like shit. fuck. i hate myself. i hate the way i look, mainly. im trying to lose weight. i need to. i feel like vomiting everytime i see myself, how the fuck to i expect him to love me? a whale of a girlfriend. esspecially when hes skinny and used to having skinny girlfriends. what the fuck am i thinking? hes shallow too. thats just how he is. how the fuck does he have sex with me? no wonder he never wants to be around his friends when hes around me. hes embarresed of me. FUCK. i hate this. i fucking hate this.