(no subject)
Its an interesting feeling. When a label you placed upon yourself no longer fits. Student. Girlfriend. Whatever it maybe. To be so wrapped up that life and to be so defined by all the connotations that label conjures up, only to have it suddenly no longer apply. Everything feels a bit hazy, as if this cannot possibly be reality. And as the knowledge that, yes, this is in fact reality, begins to sink in, the limits of that reality are tested. Who am I now? What defines me now? How much can I get away with? Can I give in to my laziest desires, lounging in bed all day, simply because I really have no place I need to be? Can I fuck whomever I want, simply because I am not expressly committed to another? How many hearts can I make mine, only to break them as it suits me? New self-imposed labels begin to form. Directionless. Monster. Heartless. And, as with any self-fulfilling prophecy, we adjust ourselves to fit these new 'characteristics'. But this is not necessarily who we really are. We are who we choose to be. Yes, we may have been excellent students, but that does not mean that we must remain so in order to be certain of our worth. Yes, we may have been the epitome of the perfect partner in a seemingly perfect relationship. Upon closer examination, we realize neither was really perfect - the dissolution, though perhaps unfortunate, happened for a reason. Yes, we may have the capacity to completely destroy another person's sense of self; we may be able to capture their hearts and then crush them without a second thought. But this does not mean that we are truly monstrous. We test our limits and sometimes we see things within ourselves that we wish we didn't. We reduce the resulting cognitive dissonance by convincing ourselves that if we are capable of these bad things, we must be bad people, destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. We commit a monstrous act, convince ourselves that we must, therefore, be monsters, and then proceed to act accordingly. There is no fight, no challenge in that. How dull.