the book
i'm tired of being stuck in this family. I have so much pride in being a Cone, I really do... but I feel like I'm the only one. My mother seems to only see the bad these days, suffering from Lupos basically dying a slow death... a day I hope never comes but I know it will. My stepfather, or Henry, is an optimistic guy but his strength has been worn thin and he becomes even more hot-headed than I do. My little sister hasn't been in school in 3 weeks, because she's depressed. Depressed at 13, I remember those days... except this time DCF is involved. The damage of public schools is clear. My father is disconnected from me, at least we used to talk about NASCAR and the weather but now I only seem to get to talk to him when I need a ride home from work. My other sister is my other sister, and remains the only one I don't mind being disconnected from. My mom and Henry are both out of work, on disability, so there's no money. I agreed to open up a phone line on my account for them sinse they were a few 100s in the hole... and now I have 3 months of unpaid phone bills to my name. My hours are going up at work but I don't make nearly enough money to help out, and besides I'd have to make like 12 bucks an hour to provide adequate help.
I don't know what to do, my number one family priority is Stephanie. I wish I could tell her what I think she needs to do without making her feel guilty, I'm the only one she looks up to. But over the years she's seen my rage, she's seen my heart, my girlfriends, the tragic endings to them, she's seen everything about me good and bad and she's followed close suit. A 12 year old should never hear her brother say the word NIGGER, that's for damn sure... but she did, I wasn't thinking. All I knew was my rage, and now when I cry in secracy it is as much for her as anything else. I'm so proud of her in so many ways, heck she's going to a Static X/Ill Nino show that's something to be damn proud of. But she has my flaws and I feel really bad about it, she's going to fuck up in the same ways I did and I can only hope to guide her through it more efficiently than I was able to guide myself. She talks about Steph Campbell all the time, and how she wishes that Steph was her real sister.... and how much she wants to get to know more about Kristen.. I guess my heroes become her heroes too. She's like a Pozer of Cone, except it's alright cuz I'm her brother... at least I hope it's okay.
Allison's parents are offering my family a free xmas tree, ha. Now I really feel like I live in a poor house. It reminds me of the Christmas episode of Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang... except there's no random woman having a baby and no evil guy with a huge necklace watch being a grinch. I just wish I could be a better boyfriend than I am, and still have the ability to be made totally happy by people.
anyone want to hang out tomorrow (thursday) ? or saturday night - sunday?
.stay true.
I don't know what to do, my number one family priority is Stephanie. I wish I could tell her what I think she needs to do without making her feel guilty, I'm the only one she looks up to. But over the years she's seen my rage, she's seen my heart, my girlfriends, the tragic endings to them, she's seen everything about me good and bad and she's followed close suit. A 12 year old should never hear her brother say the word NIGGER, that's for damn sure... but she did, I wasn't thinking. All I knew was my rage, and now when I cry in secracy it is as much for her as anything else. I'm so proud of her in so many ways, heck she's going to a Static X/Ill Nino show that's something to be damn proud of. But she has my flaws and I feel really bad about it, she's going to fuck up in the same ways I did and I can only hope to guide her through it more efficiently than I was able to guide myself. She talks about Steph Campbell all the time, and how she wishes that Steph was her real sister.... and how much she wants to get to know more about Kristen.. I guess my heroes become her heroes too. She's like a Pozer of Cone, except it's alright cuz I'm her brother... at least I hope it's okay.
Allison's parents are offering my family a free xmas tree, ha. Now I really feel like I live in a poor house. It reminds me of the Christmas episode of Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang... except there's no random woman having a baby and no evil guy with a huge necklace watch being a grinch. I just wish I could be a better boyfriend than I am, and still have the ability to be made totally happy by people.
anyone want to hang out tomorrow (thursday) ? or saturday night - sunday?
.stay true.