Philosophical moment...
... inspired by mmedesaintange's latest post.
So...
Day to day-thinking is sooo much nicer that planned days-thinking, if you know what I mean. I think I've gotten better at that the last couple of years. Before that I had a short period of stress, and before that I don't really remember anything. I just feel that yesterday is nothing to remember. It felt great starting at a new school when I was 13, since it was nice to just leave my other school behind where I had been for 7 goddamn years, and I didn't like it very much. At least I didn't like it when I'd gotten away from there. And now, when I'm once again in a new school since about 3 months ago, it feels great too, because I can leave my past schools/life behind. I'm that way so when I am in a school/at a place, I don't really mind and I think it's alright at the time when I am there, but when I get somewhere better I don't wanna remember the last place, because then everything about that last place brings back memories that just irritate me, small things that makes me feel weird, and not in a good way, things that I feel is not just ME. I think I began to become me, the me that I know now, sometime 2 or 3 years ago. Things I said and done before that seemed so, well, pointless and just shallow. I think one needs to become a teenager to find oneself, really, because until I was 12, 13 I feel that I wasn't doing anything memorable at all. I think it was around then that I started to write my own stories. I don't know if that maybe helped me to realize who I am, since writing nowadays is such a great part of my life. Before that, I was something that I don't even have the urge to remember. I was just a child. I remember very few things from school really, I just remember things from my childhood that happened with my family, fun holidays and such. School memories are kinda blurry, though. Thank goddess for that, since I'm not really longing to remember a school where I don't think I learned that much anyway. So, I can't say I'm that attached to the past in that way. It's not that something bad has happened to me in the past really, it's just that I don't like the past. I prefer now and future, though the future scares me a little because it brings death to the ones I love and also to myself, so I really think I'm a "now" kind of person. I have no choice really, since like I said, past makes me feel uncomfortable and future scares me, so the only thing left for me is the present (which I sometimes feel I'm not really appreciating). Though I'm not scared of the future when I'm in it, so to say. It's just scary thinking about it, about what's to come. But when "what's to come" HAS come, then everything is alright. Oh gosh, this is some serious babbling. XD
So...
Day to day-thinking is sooo much nicer that planned days-thinking, if you know what I mean. I think I've gotten better at that the last couple of years. Before that I had a short period of stress, and before that I don't really remember anything. I just feel that yesterday is nothing to remember. It felt great starting at a new school when I was 13, since it was nice to just leave my other school behind where I had been for 7 goddamn years, and I didn't like it very much. At least I didn't like it when I'd gotten away from there. And now, when I'm once again in a new school since about 3 months ago, it feels great too, because I can leave my past schools/life behind. I'm that way so when I am in a school/at a place, I don't really mind and I think it's alright at the time when I am there, but when I get somewhere better I don't wanna remember the last place, because then everything about that last place brings back memories that just irritate me, small things that makes me feel weird, and not in a good way, things that I feel is not just ME. I think I began to become me, the me that I know now, sometime 2 or 3 years ago. Things I said and done before that seemed so, well, pointless and just shallow. I think one needs to become a teenager to find oneself, really, because until I was 12, 13 I feel that I wasn't doing anything memorable at all. I think it was around then that I started to write my own stories. I don't know if that maybe helped me to realize who I am, since writing nowadays is such a great part of my life. Before that, I was something that I don't even have the urge to remember. I was just a child. I remember very few things from school really, I just remember things from my childhood that happened with my family, fun holidays and such. School memories are kinda blurry, though. Thank goddess for that, since I'm not really longing to remember a school where I don't think I learned that much anyway. So, I can't say I'm that attached to the past in that way. It's not that something bad has happened to me in the past really, it's just that I don't like the past. I prefer now and future, though the future scares me a little because it brings death to the ones I love and also to myself, so I really think I'm a "now" kind of person. I have no choice really, since like I said, past makes me feel uncomfortable and future scares me, so the only thing left for me is the present (which I sometimes feel I'm not really appreciating). Though I'm not scared of the future when I'm in it, so to say. It's just scary thinking about it, about what's to come. But when "what's to come" HAS come, then everything is alright. Oh gosh, this is some serious babbling. XD