Do you really want to know?
My focus is a bit, nonexistent…. Right now. I am having a hell of a time trying to work especially given the amazing amount of crap I have to do right now. I am basically working 2 different jobs and still pulling the most numbers for the team in each roll. It’s crazy to the point of being ridiculous and I may have to make some serious changes to my daily schedule to try to find more time where I am not getting constantly distracted and forced into a purely reactive position so that I can actually be productive and get this shit done. Good luck me.
What is keeping me distracted breaks up into a few different areas. The first is that I have a slight crush on someone and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I love crushes. They are fun and harmless and totally something I just get a kick out of. So that is keeping me entertained.
The second distraction is my thoughts about moving back to CA. I miss CA but also find myself realizing that, when I move, I will miss a great deal about NY. I won’t miss the weather at all. All in all I am getting happier here, but I still miss driving up the coast, hitting Pismo, and general California life. I am rather addicted to the ease of getting anything I want in NYC within a block of wherever I am, the great parks that I go to almost every weekend, the amazing food, the people that are always packing the streets and, believe it or not, the great amount of safety I feel in that type of crowd. I know most wouldn’t feel as safe in it, but I feel safer on a NYC street then I do in some CA suburb. If NYC has Pismo near by and Bay Area weather, I don’t think I would leave.
The third is just general crap. Crap is really the only good word for it. I sent my girl an email about 2 months back that left me feeling really raw and exposed and, although I asked for a response via email (I know its sad but it’s so much easier for me to go into shit via email, it’s colder and I don’t feel as controlled by emotions that I dislike) I never got one. She said it was because she was really busy, and I get that. I even get that it might not have been that important to her or maybe she just doesn’t get how important it is/was to me, but it hurt my feelings and left me feeling terribly insecure. In general I don’t feel like we process emotions the same way or have the same needs when it comes to expressing them. When it’s something I feel this insecure about it leaves me feeling like shit and extremely frustrated.
On that note, I saw an old navy buddy of mine. OMFG it was good to see him. I forgot how well we can talk about things. We spent the whole night drinking, bar hopping in my hood and just chatting it up. Telling stories about our love lives, how we feel about where we have ended up in life and work. It was great. He expressed some concern over my happiness, how I was dealing with all the bad shit, and some other stuff I wont share cause it’s not my right too. Overall it was a great night and I hope we have another one soon.
That leads me to the fourth distraction which has been to reconnect with some folks from past times. Good people that I feel I really fucked up with. I could name so many names here but really I don’t even know where to start. I had a lot of good people that I met in circles in LA and, while I hate LA, I feel like I royally fucked up a lot of my relationships with people because of where I was at in life. A few have claws and dug in and I maintain that closeness, but so many didn’t and lord knows I wasn’t much help with it came to staying in touch. I am just not all that great at it when I am happy and healthy much less how I was in LA. I think I packed up and moved out of there so fast, and put so much effort into deleting every part of me that existed (blogs, journals, cloths, etc, etc) to try to re-build myself so that I could survive that I didn’t even understand that I was also making a choice about a lot of the friendships I had. I didn’t look back and I know it was because I was being selfish and part of me understands that it needed to be that way for me then and I have to allow myself some forgiveness over it, but now, as I am entering such a different place in my life some 5 years latter, I find myself mourning the loss of those friendships and the distance that I put between myself and them. I find myself particularly missing a friend that I was able to reconnect with 1 time out here, and made several efforts to meet with again but never heard back. I try to not take this personally and just accept that I did what I needed to do as much as they are doing what they need to do, but the other part of me wants to scream and swear at yet another loss; of another thing I now can’t help but feel was stolen from me.
I guess overall it just sucks to have to make decisions like that. Maybe I had some middle ground I could have taken, some keep this, loose that, everyone wins type solution. But I think that is just me being able to think like that now and that it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I was truly capable of doing back then.
The other feeling that is totally bothering me is the way I have buried a good deal of what has happened to me. And by bury I don’t mean forget, hahaha, yah right, I am still remembering shit, but I mean the way I conceal it with a great deal of shame and fear. I do this with almost all of myself. I show few people who I actually am, and no one ‘cept Iz in NYC. The rest I am either working with or that happy strong person exterior that I feel I must present. And I think it turns a good number of people on but turns people off when that is all I do show and never really make an effort to share anything personal. I mean really, do people really want to get to know me? To hear what is in my head; To hear my thoughts on matters? It drive me fucking crazy when I am sitting at lunch with co-workers and they are talking about this or that and look at me like I am supposed to relate and understand how they feel or add some funny joke in and I am like, dude if I were to really open up to you about how I felt about that you would never look at me the same way, so I am just gonna smile and let you have your delusions about the roles of men and women, life and childhood. I guess overall it pisses me off as much as I must piss them off. I have no interest in drama.
What is keeping me distracted breaks up into a few different areas. The first is that I have a slight crush on someone and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I love crushes. They are fun and harmless and totally something I just get a kick out of. So that is keeping me entertained.
The second distraction is my thoughts about moving back to CA. I miss CA but also find myself realizing that, when I move, I will miss a great deal about NY. I won’t miss the weather at all. All in all I am getting happier here, but I still miss driving up the coast, hitting Pismo, and general California life. I am rather addicted to the ease of getting anything I want in NYC within a block of wherever I am, the great parks that I go to almost every weekend, the amazing food, the people that are always packing the streets and, believe it or not, the great amount of safety I feel in that type of crowd. I know most wouldn’t feel as safe in it, but I feel safer on a NYC street then I do in some CA suburb. If NYC has Pismo near by and Bay Area weather, I don’t think I would leave.
The third is just general crap. Crap is really the only good word for it. I sent my girl an email about 2 months back that left me feeling really raw and exposed and, although I asked for a response via email (I know its sad but it’s so much easier for me to go into shit via email, it’s colder and I don’t feel as controlled by emotions that I dislike) I never got one. She said it was because she was really busy, and I get that. I even get that it might not have been that important to her or maybe she just doesn’t get how important it is/was to me, but it hurt my feelings and left me feeling terribly insecure. In general I don’t feel like we process emotions the same way or have the same needs when it comes to expressing them. When it’s something I feel this insecure about it leaves me feeling like shit and extremely frustrated.
On that note, I saw an old navy buddy of mine. OMFG it was good to see him. I forgot how well we can talk about things. We spent the whole night drinking, bar hopping in my hood and just chatting it up. Telling stories about our love lives, how we feel about where we have ended up in life and work. It was great. He expressed some concern over my happiness, how I was dealing with all the bad shit, and some other stuff I wont share cause it’s not my right too. Overall it was a great night and I hope we have another one soon.
That leads me to the fourth distraction which has been to reconnect with some folks from past times. Good people that I feel I really fucked up with. I could name so many names here but really I don’t even know where to start. I had a lot of good people that I met in circles in LA and, while I hate LA, I feel like I royally fucked up a lot of my relationships with people because of where I was at in life. A few have claws and dug in and I maintain that closeness, but so many didn’t and lord knows I wasn’t much help with it came to staying in touch. I am just not all that great at it when I am happy and healthy much less how I was in LA. I think I packed up and moved out of there so fast, and put so much effort into deleting every part of me that existed (blogs, journals, cloths, etc, etc) to try to re-build myself so that I could survive that I didn’t even understand that I was also making a choice about a lot of the friendships I had. I didn’t look back and I know it was because I was being selfish and part of me understands that it needed to be that way for me then and I have to allow myself some forgiveness over it, but now, as I am entering such a different place in my life some 5 years latter, I find myself mourning the loss of those friendships and the distance that I put between myself and them. I find myself particularly missing a friend that I was able to reconnect with 1 time out here, and made several efforts to meet with again but never heard back. I try to not take this personally and just accept that I did what I needed to do as much as they are doing what they need to do, but the other part of me wants to scream and swear at yet another loss; of another thing I now can’t help but feel was stolen from me.
I guess overall it just sucks to have to make decisions like that. Maybe I had some middle ground I could have taken, some keep this, loose that, everyone wins type solution. But I think that is just me being able to think like that now and that it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I was truly capable of doing back then.
The other feeling that is totally bothering me is the way I have buried a good deal of what has happened to me. And by bury I don’t mean forget, hahaha, yah right, I am still remembering shit, but I mean the way I conceal it with a great deal of shame and fear. I do this with almost all of myself. I show few people who I actually am, and no one ‘cept Iz in NYC. The rest I am either working with or that happy strong person exterior that I feel I must present. And I think it turns a good number of people on but turns people off when that is all I do show and never really make an effort to share anything personal. I mean really, do people really want to get to know me? To hear what is in my head; To hear my thoughts on matters? It drive me fucking crazy when I am sitting at lunch with co-workers and they are talking about this or that and look at me like I am supposed to relate and understand how they feel or add some funny joke in and I am like, dude if I were to really open up to you about how I felt about that you would never look at me the same way, so I am just gonna smile and let you have your delusions about the roles of men and women, life and childhood. I guess overall it pisses me off as much as I must piss them off. I have no interest in drama.