what am i working for anyways?
Getting my MBA was hard, exhausting and exciting all rolled up into one. Now that I have it, find myself totally without direction, horribly insecure about my intelligence and ability to perform professionally, and 100% misrable at my current job.
I dont like the work i am doing, i am board, i am not learning anything, it is not at all lending itself twards anything that I may want to do in the future and i am getting paid a crapy wage. It does have a lot of flexibility, which is nice, but the fact that I feel totally alone and unstimulated is so horrible that right now all i want to do is run out of the office and never come back. either that or just go home, cry and deal with this later.
i don't know what the fuck i am doing right now. where i should go from here or even what would make me happy! its frustrating and driving me crazy. I don't have a mission in life and I am the type of person that needs one. I need SOMETHING to work for, to try hard for, to push myself to succeed at. Sadly, the ONLY thing in my life that makes me feel like working hard is my relationships with friends and family (which i canot really work hard for cause i dont have shit for money and live so dammed far away, I didnt even get my niece anything for her b-day) and world of warcraft.
I hate my job. I just hate it. I guess if i felt like somehow the skills i was getting were worth something I would be at least a tad excited. but they arent. Not only that but i feel totally undervalued at my work. its like.. they know i am not good at what i am doing, i know i am not good at what i am doing, and there is not really any effort to keep anything going. Its like a bad relationship with a partner where the other is just kidna witing for them to say something so each person can walk away and be free to go do something more meanfull with their time and emotional engery.
that's me. i am in an unhealthy relationship and I fucking cannot stand it.
The more misrable part is that I feel terrified of failure to the point of being to god-dammed scared to look anywhere else. That fear is only made more intense by the fact that I dont have a direction. It would at least be worth feeling scared if i knew what i was dealing with that fear to accomplish. For instance, if i had a passion for marketing at least then i could feel that passion along with the fear and have it be worth applieing for some job. cause i would love the idea of it. love the image of me doing that job. instead i look at all these jobs and i feel NOTHING for them except maybie the slight hope that if i could land it (somehow, of course the impossiblity of me getting that job comes up becuase i am so fucking insecure right now) it might save me from the job i am in now.
i used to think i was smart and had a good head on my shoulders and could do anything. Right now i just keep thinking, god i didnt ever have a chance to study enough for that ____ class on ____ that i really need to know for ___ job cause i was always working so many fucking hours. this leaves me feeling like i have this mba and still dont know what the fuck i am talking about cause i had to work so much and bearly had time to study.
i have all this angry and bitterness and part of it is directed at my family, at my father who blows 10,000 on a cruise and anouther 150,000 to fix up a car for FUN who didnt help me with my education so i had to work so much. Part of it is at my job, my bosses who are controll freaks and leave no room to breath, and at myself for working so hard with no real reason for why i was doing it other than to have a piece of paper that i know dont feel like i even deserve.
man, i feel like shit. LOL.
I dont like the work i am doing, i am board, i am not learning anything, it is not at all lending itself twards anything that I may want to do in the future and i am getting paid a crapy wage. It does have a lot of flexibility, which is nice, but the fact that I feel totally alone and unstimulated is so horrible that right now all i want to do is run out of the office and never come back. either that or just go home, cry and deal with this later.
i don't know what the fuck i am doing right now. where i should go from here or even what would make me happy! its frustrating and driving me crazy. I don't have a mission in life and I am the type of person that needs one. I need SOMETHING to work for, to try hard for, to push myself to succeed at. Sadly, the ONLY thing in my life that makes me feel like working hard is my relationships with friends and family (which i canot really work hard for cause i dont have shit for money and live so dammed far away, I didnt even get my niece anything for her b-day) and world of warcraft.
I hate my job. I just hate it. I guess if i felt like somehow the skills i was getting were worth something I would be at least a tad excited. but they arent. Not only that but i feel totally undervalued at my work. its like.. they know i am not good at what i am doing, i know i am not good at what i am doing, and there is not really any effort to keep anything going. Its like a bad relationship with a partner where the other is just kidna witing for them to say something so each person can walk away and be free to go do something more meanfull with their time and emotional engery.
that's me. i am in an unhealthy relationship and I fucking cannot stand it.
The more misrable part is that I feel terrified of failure to the point of being to god-dammed scared to look anywhere else. That fear is only made more intense by the fact that I dont have a direction. It would at least be worth feeling scared if i knew what i was dealing with that fear to accomplish. For instance, if i had a passion for marketing at least then i could feel that passion along with the fear and have it be worth applieing for some job. cause i would love the idea of it. love the image of me doing that job. instead i look at all these jobs and i feel NOTHING for them except maybie the slight hope that if i could land it (somehow, of course the impossiblity of me getting that job comes up becuase i am so fucking insecure right now) it might save me from the job i am in now.
i used to think i was smart and had a good head on my shoulders and could do anything. Right now i just keep thinking, god i didnt ever have a chance to study enough for that ____ class on ____ that i really need to know for ___ job cause i was always working so many fucking hours. this leaves me feeling like i have this mba and still dont know what the fuck i am talking about cause i had to work so much and bearly had time to study.
i have all this angry and bitterness and part of it is directed at my family, at my father who blows 10,000 on a cruise and anouther 150,000 to fix up a car for FUN who didnt help me with my education so i had to work so much. Part of it is at my job, my bosses who are controll freaks and leave no room to breath, and at myself for working so hard with no real reason for why i was doing it other than to have a piece of paper that i know dont feel like i even deserve.
man, i feel like shit. LOL.