wow. it has been a LONG ass time...
kirin has moved up here to go to mills. i am glad for it. not just cause i get to see her more *wink* but because i know what moving up here and getting away from family, getting away from joel, getting away from all that SHIT did for me. i know what being in this awesome enviorment did for me. gosh it was a breath of fresh air. for me it was the time when i went from survivor to feeling human. i hope it does the same thing for kirin. yesterday she told me how much she loved this place and how amazing it is. *crosses fingures*
strange to say this but i now no longer work and go to school full time. somehow i am busy and manage to see my g/f LESS than when i worked full time. go figure! i think it is because now i have time to really throw myself at my schoolwork and i am eating it up. of course, there is more work than i have the time of day to do. thank god i reduced my hours, cause man i would have been so fucked if i hadn't.
izzy seems to be taking it okay. i dont thnk the difference in my income has hit her as a reality yet. but its about to cause all bu 48 bucks of my paycheck went to rent. *owch* this is gonna be fun!
being around kirin reminds me of all the pain that comes with being a survivor. i had forgotten a lot of it. i had forgotten the flashbacks, the physical pain that comes with rememberances, the scarry dreams, the fear of being raped again, of seeing HIM, of being chased, the amount of energy that comes with just trying to LIVE and BREATH cause all you want to do is give into that dark shit that is dragin you down. that dark person that is calling for your death even as they say "oh i loved you, i would never do anything to hurt you!"
i realized, watching kirin, that i havent been connected with that surivor side of myself in a long time. i think somewhere along the road i just burried her and said, sorry girl, not enough time to deal with your shit right now.
I dont think it was a bad thing either. it allowed me to function, which i really needed to start doing. izzy was also a big part of it. her way of dealing with thigns is to laugh and think about other things that make you happy. life is to short so why worry about it type of thing. THAT was a good lesson for me to learn. i needed to learn it. i stress to much over everything and i can see myself becoming a bitter old women who just wants to die and take those that scorned me down with her. wow.. that was so my mom when she was first divorced and so much what she still boarderlines on being.
i dont want that. i dont want to be that women. and i think without learning that lesson and starting to identfy as a person and not a survior would have ment that for me.
but now i feel i have moved to far. i have become this person that is almost ashamed of my past. scared to mention it. scarred of what other will think if they know that i was molested and raped. a person who has a hard time even admiting that here on this page. which, for the record is why i am doing it. i was gonna just delete this who fucking thing but i am not going to.
if you canot deal with the fact that i was raped then you know what, that is really not my issue. that is yours.
if people fire me or dont respect me or cannot look me in the eye after they know this then that is there own fucked up issue coming out.
*jumps off box* *slump* okay. so i am talking all big and tough and deep down i know that if i was in some safe place with all these peopel around that i know i would get a good response from if i came out as a survvor too, iw ould so not be able to do it.
that pisses me off. do i feel ashamed? scarred? insecure? what! what the fuck makes me so ashamed to say it. makes me unable to look people in the eye?
and that is wha ti dont like. sure i dont want a big ass tatto saying surivor accross my forehead, but i do wnat to feel that freedom of being okay coming out with it.
not really sure how to help kirin. she is going thro some tough shit and i am finaly close enough to her where i may be able to make a difference. a difference other than that security that i hope she feels knowing that no matter where she lived if she reallyneeded dan and i , we woudl be there.
that is a nice kind of security. knowing that you have friends like that. makes you feel safer even if you are far away from them. dosent mean you dont miss them tho.
anyhoo. she is running and i see it. she likes me in her space when she lets me there. but seems unwilling to let me go out of my way to be in it. part of it is that she feels safe in her room. so i try to spend time with her there but i have a feeling i am also just not as comferting as this boi she likes. and hey, who am i to argue with wanting a lover around you over a friend.
part of it i know is tha tshe doesnt know how ot ask for help on this. doesnt know what would make her feel better even if i could give her antyhign she asked for.
dont you love how complicated all this shit is?
well, i guess all i can realy do is just have her know i am there.
and all i can really do for myself is not be afraid of the way i feel.
strange to say this but i now no longer work and go to school full time. somehow i am busy and manage to see my g/f LESS than when i worked full time. go figure! i think it is because now i have time to really throw myself at my schoolwork and i am eating it up. of course, there is more work than i have the time of day to do. thank god i reduced my hours, cause man i would have been so fucked if i hadn't.
izzy seems to be taking it okay. i dont thnk the difference in my income has hit her as a reality yet. but its about to cause all bu 48 bucks of my paycheck went to rent. *owch* this is gonna be fun!
being around kirin reminds me of all the pain that comes with being a survivor. i had forgotten a lot of it. i had forgotten the flashbacks, the physical pain that comes with rememberances, the scarry dreams, the fear of being raped again, of seeing HIM, of being chased, the amount of energy that comes with just trying to LIVE and BREATH cause all you want to do is give into that dark shit that is dragin you down. that dark person that is calling for your death even as they say "oh i loved you, i would never do anything to hurt you!"
i realized, watching kirin, that i havent been connected with that surivor side of myself in a long time. i think somewhere along the road i just burried her and said, sorry girl, not enough time to deal with your shit right now.
I dont think it was a bad thing either. it allowed me to function, which i really needed to start doing. izzy was also a big part of it. her way of dealing with thigns is to laugh and think about other things that make you happy. life is to short so why worry about it type of thing. THAT was a good lesson for me to learn. i needed to learn it. i stress to much over everything and i can see myself becoming a bitter old women who just wants to die and take those that scorned me down with her. wow.. that was so my mom when she was first divorced and so much what she still boarderlines on being.
i dont want that. i dont want to be that women. and i think without learning that lesson and starting to identfy as a person and not a survior would have ment that for me.
but now i feel i have moved to far. i have become this person that is almost ashamed of my past. scared to mention it. scarred of what other will think if they know that i was molested and raped. a person who has a hard time even admiting that here on this page. which, for the record is why i am doing it. i was gonna just delete this who fucking thing but i am not going to.
if you canot deal with the fact that i was raped then you know what, that is really not my issue. that is yours.
if people fire me or dont respect me or cannot look me in the eye after they know this then that is there own fucked up issue coming out.
*jumps off box* *slump* okay. so i am talking all big and tough and deep down i know that if i was in some safe place with all these peopel around that i know i would get a good response from if i came out as a survvor too, iw ould so not be able to do it.
that pisses me off. do i feel ashamed? scarred? insecure? what! what the fuck makes me so ashamed to say it. makes me unable to look people in the eye?
and that is wha ti dont like. sure i dont want a big ass tatto saying surivor accross my forehead, but i do wnat to feel that freedom of being okay coming out with it.
not really sure how to help kirin. she is going thro some tough shit and i am finaly close enough to her where i may be able to make a difference. a difference other than that security that i hope she feels knowing that no matter where she lived if she reallyneeded dan and i , we woudl be there.
that is a nice kind of security. knowing that you have friends like that. makes you feel safer even if you are far away from them. dosent mean you dont miss them tho.
anyhoo. she is running and i see it. she likes me in her space when she lets me there. but seems unwilling to let me go out of my way to be in it. part of it is that she feels safe in her room. so i try to spend time with her there but i have a feeling i am also just not as comferting as this boi she likes. and hey, who am i to argue with wanting a lover around you over a friend.
part of it i know is tha tshe doesnt know how ot ask for help on this. doesnt know what would make her feel better even if i could give her antyhign she asked for.
dont you love how complicated all this shit is?
well, i guess all i can realy do is just have her know i am there.
and all i can really do for myself is not be afraid of the way i feel.