i should be working
i am at work right now and since i have been doing crazy amounts of work the last 3 days i am taking 10 minutes for myself and writting.
i have been reading jordans journal, the g/f of everett my friend. i have always had a really awesome feeling about her and wished to get to know her more, and now i have that feeling even more intensly. she just seems awesome and i would like very much to have the chance of hangning out with her in a one on one way, so i can talk to her and find out about her life and what makes her happy and sad.
i like cool people. they rock
i am way to good for myself, as dan said, and i will tell you why: i relaxed all last night and wrote and thought about all sorts of stuff. so then to chill out withmyself and admire my fabulous body, i jacked off. well i did it so throughouly that i left myself totally vunrable and shaky. so i ended up crying my eyes out and missing iza so badly. i just needed her arms around me and i needed her to whisper sweet nothing in my ear and tell me she loves me and thinks i am beautful. she wasnt around and so then i thought of dan, and him holding me and feeling safe, but i was STILL crying intensly, so i broke down and called him up. we chatted for some time and told him what was up. he kinda laughed at me a little. at it was a totally laughable situation. i mean this is me people. a person who a while ago couldnt jack off at all without seeing imagse of being raped. and now look at me!
so we talked about all sorts of things from missing each other, to how much fun we used to have fucking, to life in general. the best part of the convo was FINALY talking to a friend about all the deep tragic shit that has been on my mind. i talked about this disire i have had to list all the bad things that where done to my body. and to walk around showing it to poeple. how part of it was because i want people to know about a HUGE portion of my life and the things that occured to help shape the person i am today and the choice that i made then. its also cause i want a reaction from people. i used to not give a shit what people thought. cept for lovers and close friends and such. but now i want a reaction from them. i want to see that horror on their face as they read the list and realize how horrible people can be to each other, how much one person can be violated. i want them to be angry to be pissed off. to realize that shit like this affects a large portion of THEIR peers and community. i want them to consider the ways in which such experinces can change a person, KILL a person heart, shape a survivors life, affect the lives of partners, friends, families and so forth of those survivors. i want them to realize they cannot just sit there and NOT have a reaction to it any longer, cause if they do that then they are just part of this fucking huge culture that we have of perpetuation all this CRAP. i want people to get angry, to yell and scream. to cry over it. to go, god damm chris you went thro a lot and realize why its hard for me, why i have had so much pain. i want shit liek this recognized and not just sweaped under the carpets of our socity.
i miss isabelle so much. i dont even know what more i can say about how i feel being apart from her.
running this morning was funny, cause ididnt even know it had been raining, so i walked outside all ready to hit the track and realized it was pooring out. so i went runnning anyways. probably not good cause i am a little sick, but u know what, after having the bad dreams i had lst night, i needed it.
i ws reading over other people journals and realized how i get few comments in compairson to a lot of people. why is that i wonder.
just so you know... yeah you who is reading this.. i dont bite. i wouldnt mind to hear your thoughts every now and then. in fact i would like it. makes me feel good.
peace.
i have been reading jordans journal, the g/f of everett my friend. i have always had a really awesome feeling about her and wished to get to know her more, and now i have that feeling even more intensly. she just seems awesome and i would like very much to have the chance of hangning out with her in a one on one way, so i can talk to her and find out about her life and what makes her happy and sad.
i like cool people. they rock
i am way to good for myself, as dan said, and i will tell you why: i relaxed all last night and wrote and thought about all sorts of stuff. so then to chill out withmyself and admire my fabulous body, i jacked off. well i did it so throughouly that i left myself totally vunrable and shaky. so i ended up crying my eyes out and missing iza so badly. i just needed her arms around me and i needed her to whisper sweet nothing in my ear and tell me she loves me and thinks i am beautful. she wasnt around and so then i thought of dan, and him holding me and feeling safe, but i was STILL crying intensly, so i broke down and called him up. we chatted for some time and told him what was up. he kinda laughed at me a little. at it was a totally laughable situation. i mean this is me people. a person who a while ago couldnt jack off at all without seeing imagse of being raped. and now look at me!
so we talked about all sorts of things from missing each other, to how much fun we used to have fucking, to life in general. the best part of the convo was FINALY talking to a friend about all the deep tragic shit that has been on my mind. i talked about this disire i have had to list all the bad things that where done to my body. and to walk around showing it to poeple. how part of it was because i want people to know about a HUGE portion of my life and the things that occured to help shape the person i am today and the choice that i made then. its also cause i want a reaction from people. i used to not give a shit what people thought. cept for lovers and close friends and such. but now i want a reaction from them. i want to see that horror on their face as they read the list and realize how horrible people can be to each other, how much one person can be violated. i want them to be angry to be pissed off. to realize that shit like this affects a large portion of THEIR peers and community. i want them to consider the ways in which such experinces can change a person, KILL a person heart, shape a survivors life, affect the lives of partners, friends, families and so forth of those survivors. i want them to realize they cannot just sit there and NOT have a reaction to it any longer, cause if they do that then they are just part of this fucking huge culture that we have of perpetuation all this CRAP. i want people to get angry, to yell and scream. to cry over it. to go, god damm chris you went thro a lot and realize why its hard for me, why i have had so much pain. i want shit liek this recognized and not just sweaped under the carpets of our socity.
i miss isabelle so much. i dont even know what more i can say about how i feel being apart from her.
running this morning was funny, cause ididnt even know it had been raining, so i walked outside all ready to hit the track and realized it was pooring out. so i went runnning anyways. probably not good cause i am a little sick, but u know what, after having the bad dreams i had lst night, i needed it.
i ws reading over other people journals and realized how i get few comments in compairson to a lot of people. why is that i wonder.
just so you know... yeah you who is reading this.. i dont bite. i wouldnt mind to hear your thoughts every now and then. in fact i would like it. makes me feel good.
peace.