Drowning beneath the frozen surface...
These days I feel like I've fallen through thin ice and I'm drowning. I can see the people who want to save me through the ice and they can see me, but they can't help no matter how bad they want to. Apparently a good life is too much to ask for, but please at least throw me the table scraps of a sane life. I know that I have it really good compared to most people, in terms of my living circumstances or finances. However, I can't seem to manage to get the most important people to treat me well or exude any form of consistentcy and stability. Can't there be some semblance of sanity in the most important people in my life? I have fought so damn hard to change who I am for the better, to be a better person. Why do certain people insist on rubbing my nose in old shit? Do you not see the changes I've made or are you resenting me for being able to make changes that you couldn't? I sure as hell know I can be a cocky bastard and I act like I'm all high and mighty. You don't like it, oh well. I have a fuckin right to feel high and mighty after the things I've accomplished lately. So while you keep doing the same old vicious cycle, and I criticize you for not fixing it when you have the needed help right in front of you and you get mad, ask yourself if it's cause I'm cocky or cause you're jealous of me. Maybe you just don't like me and you want to see me fail, but I don't want to think that. Ask yourself if you wouldn't feel high and mighty after you got rid of a certain behavior that was holding back your entire life. I've been getting punished for doing good for almost two months. I've been insulted in the worst ways you can insult me. My son has been used against me to manipulate me and then taken away from me again. My bank account has been drained. Now someone finds a letter I wrote nearly a year ago complaining about my own anger issues and they seek to use it against me because it has no date. You tell me you'll lie and say it's current. Why would you even threaten me with something like that? You pushed and pushed for me to succeed and now you want to sink me. You want to push me onto the thin ice.
All I want in this world is routine and stability for my son and myself. Without Ezra in my custody, he won't have a stable home or a stable parent for a long time. I'm scared of being a single dad, a REAL single do-it-by-yourself dad. I know it's going to be really hard, but I know seeing him smile everyday and be comfortable in his surroundings will be worth it. I can't wait until he understands a place as HIS home with HIS room and HIS stuff. Every kid deserves that and he's been denied that for the last year. I hope you won't keep trying to stop this from happening. I backed off of you, so please do the right thing.
All I want in this world is routine and stability for my son and myself. Without Ezra in my custody, he won't have a stable home or a stable parent for a long time. I'm scared of being a single dad, a REAL single do-it-by-yourself dad. I know it's going to be really hard, but I know seeing him smile everyday and be comfortable in his surroundings will be worth it. I can't wait until he understands a place as HIS home with HIS room and HIS stuff. Every kid deserves that and he's been denied that for the last year. I hope you won't keep trying to stop this from happening. I backed off of you, so please do the right thing.