Reality is crushing
The whole reality of my current plight is really starting to sink in. I don't remember the last time I felt so sad. Kristy and I have been apart for an entire year now, but I always felt like what we had was still there, just hiding below the surface. I guess I feel like someone really close died. It's like there's this huge void in every aspect of my life, I can feel it in my chest. There's a million things I want to ask her. I want so badly to believe that she was just so angry and she reacted impulsively and didn't think things through before she did it. It's so hard to fathom someone I held so close and who I thought I was so important to (even after we were broken up), cold blooded and calculatingly weaving that deceitful web of fabrication for the sole purpose of hurting me. I wonder if she regrets what she did. I wonder if she looks at our son, sees me, and realizes where this path is taking us. I wonder if she feels as empty as I do. I wonder if something happens in her life and she reaches for the phone to call me to share it, but she can't, like I can't. I wonder if she's happy right now. I wonder if she's ok, if she feels safe. I truly hope everything is ok with her, I hope she's better mentally now, I hope she's taking good care of my little boy. In my heart, I know she's doing her best, but I also know she's dealing with more than she can handle and that's what scares me.
Most of all, I wonder about my little boy. Does he think his Daddy abandoned him? Does he cry for me only to be hushed by his mother? Has she told him bad things about his Daddy that aren't true? Is he happy? How much of the day does he spend smiling? Is he eating okay? His favorite movie is still here, isn't he crying for it? Where's Sharkboy and Lavagirl, Mommy? I miss him so much I can't even express it. Our weekends are usually so carefree and we have so much fun, but we missed out last weekend. Now here comes the weekend again looming, promising to be as empty as the last. But it's even more threatening... theres a nasty ole hurricane in the Gulf again and it could come through here. After seeing what happened in Louisiana I'm terrified that if a bad hurricane comes through here Ezra and Kristy might not be safe, and when am I going to be able to see him again after the storm? Will power be out for weeks? Roads blocked? I can't even begin to think about that...
I'm not religious and I'm not one to pray, but ever since this started I've been praying for it to end up alright.
Most of all, I wonder about my little boy. Does he think his Daddy abandoned him? Does he cry for me only to be hushed by his mother? Has she told him bad things about his Daddy that aren't true? Is he happy? How much of the day does he spend smiling? Is he eating okay? His favorite movie is still here, isn't he crying for it? Where's Sharkboy and Lavagirl, Mommy? I miss him so much I can't even express it. Our weekends are usually so carefree and we have so much fun, but we missed out last weekend. Now here comes the weekend again looming, promising to be as empty as the last. But it's even more threatening... theres a nasty ole hurricane in the Gulf again and it could come through here. After seeing what happened in Louisiana I'm terrified that if a bad hurricane comes through here Ezra and Kristy might not be safe, and when am I going to be able to see him again after the storm? Will power be out for weeks? Roads blocked? I can't even begin to think about that...
I'm not religious and I'm not one to pray, but ever since this started I've been praying for it to end up alright.