Salt and Water chapter 5 ToraxShou
Title: Salt and Water
Chapters: 5/10
Author: mxtrxofsomer
Set and Theme: C #9 - Birthday
Genre: angst, romance, AU
Band(s): Alice Nine
Pairing: Tora x Shou
Rating: R
Warnings: longer than usual, and toraxshou overload for this chap
Summary: “... it was an encounter too short from the view of the heavens, fair enough in the eyes of the humans, infinite from my own sense of time and... non-existent in his.”
Notes: Written for j10_ways under Set C theme # 9 - Birthday
Previous Next
Holding it in my hand, moist was forming on the now less cold metal surface, dampening my already sweaty palm. Blazing high above was the nearly scarlet sun, laughing through the broad layers of cotton-like clouds, emanating cheerful warmth. The heat, though very friendly in a lot of ways, was intimidating, posing a threat to drain every trickle of water circulating inside my body. The spring season, it was finally coming to an end.
I wrinkled my nose as I took a sip of the bittersweet drink I had purchased from the vending machine I passed by earlier. The taste had now become bland, the usual rich flavour had evaporated, along with the cool temperature. If not for the reason that I was dying from dehydration, I could have thrown it away; I already lost the appetite to finish it. But then again, I also might have not. The coffee cost me one hundred yen and one hundred yen, worthless as it might appear, still had value.
I shook my head, laughing silently to myself at the odd thought. Now I dared to speak about money and other humanely things like I had been a resident all my life. It was very surprising, how fast I grew accustomed to the way of living here when I had once doubted my own bravery. It was not easy though, I had come to find that out, and that was not because I was new to everything but because I thought I knew something. For that, I could never trust my own knowledge the same way again.
I emptied the can, gulping the last few drops and tossed it in the trash bin that stood outside the convenience store. Hands inside my pocket, I walked sluggishly, in contrast to most people who were desperately in rush to get to wherever they needed to be. I let my eyes wander to observe the details that I would be able to spot despite the constancy of that daily habit. Yes, I had found my own simple place- somewhere I did not fully belong to but was kindly accepted without any objections. Inside this comfort, for about two and a half months that had gone by, everyday was the same, helping me adjust to the natural order of things. But that same everyday harboured great differences that I wanted to pay attention to. Tora often told me that it was an obsession but he would not stop me when I challenged him to.
Arriving at my destination, I lingered there for a moment in front of the small ramen shop, memorizing for the hundredth time the black bold letters written on the sign that decorated its entrance. When satisfied enough, I sighed, smiling inwards and telling myself good luck before I slid open the wooden door, stepping inside a cozy, well-lit room.
“Irasshaima- ah, Shou!” Nao paused to greet me, about to pass by the door. He was carrying a bowl of noodles and a glass of cold water, obviously on his way to serve a table. “Right on time. It’s going to be busy from now on.”
“Yeah,” I answered, sliding back the door to close behind me. “I’ll just go change then join you.”
“Sure then, that would be great,” he said, nodding towards my direction then walked off to continue his part of the chores.
Left alone, I went straight to the staffroom and headed for the lockers. From my messenger bag, I pulled out a neatly folded white long-sleeved button-up shirt, brushing the material to straighten out unnoticeable creases. Unbuttoning the shirt so I could wear it, my eyes unintentionally fell on my left arm, and the thin fading mark engraved on my skin.
The scar. It gave me quite a trouble, whether I was trying clothes, doing grocery, or applying for work. Even though they tried hard not to show, people occasionally looked and I know, I could tell, that they were scared of it, and of the state of mind of the one who inflicted it on himself. It did not shock me anymore, to find such prejudices existing in both worlds. However, like always, I never really cared, never allowed myself to be affected for I had long been experiencing biased judgements. There were indeed a few things that could never be changed no matter where I went.
Tora never asked me about the wound although every once in a while, I would see him staring at it with vehemence. Sometimes, it was curiosity that reflected his pupils, but mostly he was glaring at my scar like it was a stain he would like to erase if he was capable of doing so. These times, I could catch a glimpse of him that he was not openly willing to share. But likewise, I never asked, I only watched as I patiently waited for him to tell me. Sometimes he gave me little cues, but sometimes, he gave off a feeling like he knew I was aware so he stayed quiet, letting it all up to my interpretation. Silent understanding, it made up half of our simple yet very complicated relationship.
The door burst open, forcing me to abandon my thoughts. In came Kai, the manager of this establishment, the one who hired me to work for him. “Shou, you’re here early. Done with your other work?” he said, looking harassed but still able to retain his chirpy mood.
“Yes,” I replied, quickly slipping on my uniform so I could hide my left arm. “No problem with being a few minutes early, I won’t charge extra.”
I tried hard for it to look inconspicuous but the gesture did not go unnoticed under Kai’s sharp eyes. “Don’t worry about that Shou, no one will see,” he said. “Look at what you’re wearing. Besides it’s almost gone.”
“I’m not at all bothered about what they think,” I said, doing the last buttons of my uniform. “I’m worried about them.”
“Then get me out of your list, you don’t need me there,” he said, smiling concernedly.
I was suddenly thankful that I was wearing white, I was thankful that it was long-sleeved and I was happy that even though it was a little cold inside the shop because of air conditioning, the kitchen was warm and so was it outside.
“Okay,” I answered.
-----
“Oootsukaresamaaa…” Nao announced exactly after wiping the last table assigned to him, exaggeratedly stretching his arms upwards, and dropping himself on the chair next to him. “I’m so tired I’ll end up sleeping here.”
Stationed at the table not too far from his, I let out a small chuckle as I watched him yawn and remove his black-rimmed eyeglasses, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He really did look beat from hours of work. He had volunteered to extend his shift after hearing from Kai that Ryota- another part timer could not come to replace him on his post. “You should go home already,” I advised.
“Yeah, but let me just…” he replied, voice trailing off as he ducked his head down, pillowing it from the table with both his hands and arms. “Gahh! I just want to fall on my fluffy bed.”
“You were a ball of energy only seconds ago,” I said, hoping that it would cheer him up. Nao had been the most hyper being in the entire place for the whole twelve hours and I was amazed he was able to survive until this hour.
“I’m too tired to walk,” he said bobbing his head up only to hide it again. “Shou, carry me.”
That was something Nao would casually say, usually out of nowhere, but every time he did, I still found myself in shock. Sometimes I could not tell whether he was being serous or not. Should I try granting him one of his crazy requests one time?
Saving me from Nao’s demand, our manager came in, looking like he was about to fall asleep as well. “Nao, get up from there so you can start walking home. And you two, here’s your pay for tonight.”
If Nao had declared that he was too tired to walk, he was not that tired to bounce up happily from his seat to get the white envelope with his name written on the back from Kai. “Roger! I’m going boss,” he piped, giving Kai an animated salute and literally hopping off to the kitchen.
“That would be enough for today,” Kai said, glancing at the clock and motioning me to follow Nao. “You have other things to finish too.”
I only gaped at him, puzzled by what he had said and before I could ask what he meant, he had left to go back to the kitchen, leaving my pay on the table Nao had been occupying earlier as his bed. Warily eyeing the envelope, I deserted the table and picked up my earnings then marched to the kitchen where I found Kai having a serious talk with his cook. Nao was already gone, probably in the staffroom to get ready to leave.
I hung the rag I was using to wipe tables on the rack and ran the water to wash my hands. “Kai, I’m going home. Thanks for today,” I said, turning off the faucet and drying my hands with a clean towel. Kai nodded and smiled to acknowledge me than continued the discussion with the cook.
Nao was already out of his uniform when I entered the staffroom. He stood leaning on his locker, arms crossed over his chest, most likely waiting for me. He rarely did that; his shift usually ended earlier than mine. “Let’s walk to the station together.”
“Sure,” I answered, glad to have some company instead of walking alone. I took off my uniform, feeling the cool ventilation better, now that the piece of clothing doubling my shirt was gone. Although I tried not to, I had glanced unconsciously at my arm, huffing a little at the sight. Remembering Kai’s kind words this afternoon, I uttered my hushed gratitude to the air, assuming that the message would get delivered to Kai in some way.
“You okay Shou?”
“Yes,” I shrugged, snapping back to reality. I neatly folded the shirt and stuffed it inside my bag, making sure it would not get too many wrinkles. “Let’s go,” I said, once finished, securing the bag on my left shoulder.
Nao was unbearably quiet, his footsteps heavier than what I was used to. Tiredness seemed to have sunken into him, killing the liveliness he always displayed. “I really am going to collapse,” he whined, pressing his forehead against my back.
“You live opposite my way,” I reminded but permitted him to use my back as his temporary head rest.
The airing inside the shop was nothing compared to the breeze that hit us when we got out. Summer was fast approaching but nights remained cold and windy, a regrettable setting if you chose to wear thin clothes in the morning and stay late at night outside. But I could not really complain, this kind of weather was after all a lot better than having unexpected showers. Tonight, there would be no rain and that was for sure. The sky was clear black, and the moon was gold, beautifully full and wrapped in a three-hued rainbow.
“I think the night is perfect for a stroll.”
I knew the voice too much for me to not distinguish the owner. It was a special kind of sound, a melody comprised of various notes that no musical instrument would be able to produce. I frowned, torn between confusion and content as I spotted his tall figure standing beside the lamppost, few yards away in front of the building that housed my workplace. Dim orange light shone on his slightly shadow-casted face, making him appear more enigmatic and somewhat inhumane.
Gracing his lips with an assertive smile, he took slow but sure steps, meeting me halfway the narrow sidewalk. “I told Kai I’ll come pick you up.”
I stared at him with full attention, as if he would readily vanish if I squint. It was nothing out of ordinary but hearing him say those simple words, which meant exactly what he meant, was like watching a piece of riddle complete a long poem. With the night and scenery serving as background, everything was perfect and there was nothing more I could ask for.
“Geesh, you should have told me too,” Nao groggily interrupted, lifting his head off my back as he spoke. “Now you have to be patient with me until we get to the station.”
Laughing breezily, Tora came closer and bent forward, slipping his hand past my shoulders and gently pulling me to a quick, unobvious hug. “No one is asking you to go away,” he mouthed behind my ear, addressing the mischievous remark to Nao.
“I remember, you didn’t know so it’s mainly Kai’s fault,” Nao bit back. “But you see, I can understand subliminal messages.”
“No really,” Tora protested, moving backwards to release me from his embrace. Grasping my wrist however, he tugged me to his side so that he was rather face to face with Nao. “In fact I’m the one who’s asking for your patience.”
“Yeah whatever,” Nao sarcastically replied, rolling his eyes and waving his hand. “Anyway, let’s stop this drama,” he grumbled and walked ahead, not bothering to wait for us, keeping a steady one-metre-away distance.
Tora casted Nao an amused glance then grinned at me, wriggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. That enough implied what kind of a schemer he was. In return, a small smile fell on my lips as I shook my head, anticipating whatever it was occupying his mind.
“Nao, did I ever tell you that I love you?”Tora gleefully called causing Nao to halt.
“Ew. Could you please stick to saying that to Shou?” Nao turned around and gagged, scowling at the both of us.
Nao’s short retort caught me unguarded and prettily shocked. In reality, Tora had never said anything like that while I, had never thought for it to be that way. I would admit, that the time I had invested and the reason why I was here revolved around an unresolved attraction between the two of us. But it never occurred to me to me that it would be…
I was afraid to name it
Tora was silent, staring at me with an unreadable expression as I searched for something unknown in his eyes. We lasted like that for a few seconds which felt more like years or centuries, or eras even. After a while, he sighed in defeat, breaking eye contact. “I guess so,” he only said, gaze travelling to follow the path of the distant stars.
Not until this moment, I had had never known that it was possible to stop time, nor that the continuous spinning of earth could be put into hold. I had always believed that these things could never be seized, not even with the most perfect and graceful fingers vying for them. But knowing this matter was not significant at all. I only willed to understand one thing: the heart was not necessary to be able to feel.
----
The space between the two of us on the plush seat inside the train car, it was the only thing that kept us apart. I sat, half of my body reclining on the train wall, with Tora sitting on the left side, his head resting peacefully on the glass window. We were both pretending to sleep, the both of us, aware that we were both awake. But despite that, we kept our silence, contented in speaking through our unmoving hands entwined together behind the roughness of the messenger bag occupying the gap.
Five more stops and we would be at our station, a fifteen minute walk to and from Tora’s apartment which we now called our home. Strangely, I never considered heaven my home but here was I, living under a roof made of concrete, owning it like it was really mine. But I did feel that it was mine, that it was the most rightful place for me.
Tora had taken me in, refusing to let me out and he had helped me in a lot of things, sharing to me everything that was his. From then on, it did not take that long for us to agree on doing our best together and individually so we could live together. For once, I was enthusiastic again, looking forward to every single second that I needed to breathe, pleased with the grain of life still remaining inside of me.
“Shou, let’s get off the next station,” Tora began, lightly squeezing my hand. “Let’s just use the last train.”
Not pausing anymore to think, “I’d like to see the fireflies too,” I hummed in reply, cracking an eye open to see the satisfied smile on his face. “I’d like to catch one.”
“You’re too kind for that stuff,” he beamed.”And I’m pretty sure.”
“It’s not kindness,” I argued. “And how would you know that I wouldn’t want a souvenir?”
“Defensiveness pretty much dismisses everything,” he confidently relayed, quaintly waking up from his pretend sleep so that he was eyeing me with an arduous expression.
I wanted to disprove his point but trying to do so would have to be hopeless because he already won the argument. And although I did love fireflies, I was not that cruel to take away the independence that was innately theirs. I, instead let the issue settle, allowing Tora to enjoy his victory without admitting defeat.
The train was luckily on my side for right on time, it stopped to rescue me, signalling for us to get off. Tora loosened his grip around my hand as he stood up but held still, guiding me through the electric door and the thin number of passengers, until we were outside the station. I had no idea where we were, though I had read the name of the station countless times before.
We started to stroll around without a solid target place in mind, passing several buildings, houses and roads leading to who knew where. But as we went farther and farther away, I felt Tora’s true intentions. He had the decisiveness that left me with nothing else to do but comply and relate to his actions as I waited for an explanation. I did not feel the need to ask, I trusted him more than I trusted myself. It was when we were finally alone in the broad empty field of grasses, with the glittering moon as our only light, that I had the urge to speak.
“Sorry Shou but there aren’t fireflies in here,” he apologetically said, unclasping his hand from mine.
“I understand,” I replied, sensing the graveness in his tone. Of all the days we had spent together, this was the first time he had sombrely spoken to me in that way. In an instant, I had the impression that the night would very be special. At last, after these months of reluctance, secreted questions and emotions would have the chance to be unveiled. “I really wanted to ask you.”
He reached out, placing his smooth palms on my cheeks. “I know,” he whispered. “And I know that you already have the answer to your own question.”
“But I still would like to ask,” I said, staring directly at the depth of his eyes. “When you found me in the rooftop, you were thinking of the same thing weren’t you?”
“Yes,” he bit his lip, ironically smiling. “But not on that day. It had been playing in my mind for a while but then you were there, stealing my moment,” he laughed, pausing to think. “Shou, I want to tell you something. I have decided.”
I could not think of a decent answer to that. I had been waiting for this time to come, but now that I was facing the real situation, I was all scared and nervous.
“The fireflies you wish to see had long vacated this piece of land for my corpse lies here. That night, I had again found you in this place, but I guess you don’t remember. I stink with the scent of blood, that is how and why. I know you have somehow seen it on me but you kept silent. I bring about death. And the sky weeps at my stake every time. Shou, I want to hold you close and I’m risking everything to be able to do this.”
Trickles of tears started to fog my vision at his confessions. All of a sudden, my heart was throbbing with pain, mixed with affection and sympathy. Yes, I had known for a long time the way Tora lived, the kind of craft he created with his own talented hands. I had witnessed him carrying all of his burdens and in effort to equal that, I shut my eyes, acting innocent. Now that I finally heard it straight coming from him I could see how Tora was far more hurting than I had been.
“Don’t cry,” Tora hushed, brushing both his thumbs to wipe the tears under my eyes. “Your eyes are made for smiling and I’ve dedicated my life for that purpose.”
“Tora,” I sobbed even more, wrapping my fingers around his wrists and clinging on to them so I would have the strength to not fall. “Instead of that why don’t you let me?”
Tora did not speak. He simply smiled and closed his eyelids, lifting his head up and uttering indistinct sounds. A tender breeze caressed both our faces as low thunders growled, breaking the heavens, and sending chills down my spine. The moment Tora opened his eyes again, droplets of water began to fall from the unbelievably cloudless sky. “I want to kiss you in the rain,” he said.
Who exactly was he?
The question was left unanswered when sanity deserted my consciousness as his soft sweet lips were pressed against mine. I leaned forward, curling my arms around his neck, letting him lead me into bliss.
We were both soaking when we pulled apart to breathe and fill our lungs with air. The rain continued to pour down, bathing our bodies in damp coldness. “Sorry we’re both wet and I think we missed the last train,” Tora excused.
I shook my head and exhaled, gathering some courage for myself- I had made my choice too. “Let me be your warmth,” I firmly said, taking his hand in mine and guiding it to touch the topmost button of my clothing.
There was a look of surprise and hesitancy in him that I was suddenly embarrassed, almost willing to take back what I had just said. But after some seconds, Tora tightened his clutch, fiddling the cloth between his fingers as he bent closer for another kiss.
Let me at least tell you how much life you have given me.
-----
Endnotes: wah~ exams week is coming T^T (wish me luck cos they’re all going to be in pure Japanese). That is why I wanted to finish this before that so I could concentrate on studying. I’ve also been busy these past few weeks, I am greatly sorry for the delay. Mou, I wunna have my Shou already. This chappie is dedicated to my wife a_ashi (I miss you now hun) and langzhen (I miss you too deary) because they made me happy ^^.
PS. I’m not much of a smut person and I’m afraid I’m going to ruin it. Comments are pure love and please do tell me what you think ne~ cuz I honestly don’t know what to think.
Fanfic Archive
Chapters: 5/10
Author: mxtrxofsomer
Set and Theme: C #9 - Birthday
Genre: angst, romance, AU
Band(s): Alice Nine
Pairing: Tora x Shou
Rating: R
Warnings: longer than usual, and toraxshou overload for this chap
Summary: “... it was an encounter too short from the view of the heavens, fair enough in the eyes of the humans, infinite from my own sense of time and... non-existent in his.”
Notes: Written for j10_ways under Set C theme # 9 - Birthday
Previous Next
Holding it in my hand, moist was forming on the now less cold metal surface, dampening my already sweaty palm. Blazing high above was the nearly scarlet sun, laughing through the broad layers of cotton-like clouds, emanating cheerful warmth. The heat, though very friendly in a lot of ways, was intimidating, posing a threat to drain every trickle of water circulating inside my body. The spring season, it was finally coming to an end.
I wrinkled my nose as I took a sip of the bittersweet drink I had purchased from the vending machine I passed by earlier. The taste had now become bland, the usual rich flavour had evaporated, along with the cool temperature. If not for the reason that I was dying from dehydration, I could have thrown it away; I already lost the appetite to finish it. But then again, I also might have not. The coffee cost me one hundred yen and one hundred yen, worthless as it might appear, still had value.
I shook my head, laughing silently to myself at the odd thought. Now I dared to speak about money and other humanely things like I had been a resident all my life. It was very surprising, how fast I grew accustomed to the way of living here when I had once doubted my own bravery. It was not easy though, I had come to find that out, and that was not because I was new to everything but because I thought I knew something. For that, I could never trust my own knowledge the same way again.
I emptied the can, gulping the last few drops and tossed it in the trash bin that stood outside the convenience store. Hands inside my pocket, I walked sluggishly, in contrast to most people who were desperately in rush to get to wherever they needed to be. I let my eyes wander to observe the details that I would be able to spot despite the constancy of that daily habit. Yes, I had found my own simple place- somewhere I did not fully belong to but was kindly accepted without any objections. Inside this comfort, for about two and a half months that had gone by, everyday was the same, helping me adjust to the natural order of things. But that same everyday harboured great differences that I wanted to pay attention to. Tora often told me that it was an obsession but he would not stop me when I challenged him to.
Arriving at my destination, I lingered there for a moment in front of the small ramen shop, memorizing for the hundredth time the black bold letters written on the sign that decorated its entrance. When satisfied enough, I sighed, smiling inwards and telling myself good luck before I slid open the wooden door, stepping inside a cozy, well-lit room.
“Irasshaima- ah, Shou!” Nao paused to greet me, about to pass by the door. He was carrying a bowl of noodles and a glass of cold water, obviously on his way to serve a table. “Right on time. It’s going to be busy from now on.”
“Yeah,” I answered, sliding back the door to close behind me. “I’ll just go change then join you.”
“Sure then, that would be great,” he said, nodding towards my direction then walked off to continue his part of the chores.
Left alone, I went straight to the staffroom and headed for the lockers. From my messenger bag, I pulled out a neatly folded white long-sleeved button-up shirt, brushing the material to straighten out unnoticeable creases. Unbuttoning the shirt so I could wear it, my eyes unintentionally fell on my left arm, and the thin fading mark engraved on my skin.
The scar. It gave me quite a trouble, whether I was trying clothes, doing grocery, or applying for work. Even though they tried hard not to show, people occasionally looked and I know, I could tell, that they were scared of it, and of the state of mind of the one who inflicted it on himself. It did not shock me anymore, to find such prejudices existing in both worlds. However, like always, I never really cared, never allowed myself to be affected for I had long been experiencing biased judgements. There were indeed a few things that could never be changed no matter where I went.
Tora never asked me about the wound although every once in a while, I would see him staring at it with vehemence. Sometimes, it was curiosity that reflected his pupils, but mostly he was glaring at my scar like it was a stain he would like to erase if he was capable of doing so. These times, I could catch a glimpse of him that he was not openly willing to share. But likewise, I never asked, I only watched as I patiently waited for him to tell me. Sometimes he gave me little cues, but sometimes, he gave off a feeling like he knew I was aware so he stayed quiet, letting it all up to my interpretation. Silent understanding, it made up half of our simple yet very complicated relationship.
The door burst open, forcing me to abandon my thoughts. In came Kai, the manager of this establishment, the one who hired me to work for him. “Shou, you’re here early. Done with your other work?” he said, looking harassed but still able to retain his chirpy mood.
“Yes,” I replied, quickly slipping on my uniform so I could hide my left arm. “No problem with being a few minutes early, I won’t charge extra.”
I tried hard for it to look inconspicuous but the gesture did not go unnoticed under Kai’s sharp eyes. “Don’t worry about that Shou, no one will see,” he said. “Look at what you’re wearing. Besides it’s almost gone.”
“I’m not at all bothered about what they think,” I said, doing the last buttons of my uniform. “I’m worried about them.”
“Then get me out of your list, you don’t need me there,” he said, smiling concernedly.
I was suddenly thankful that I was wearing white, I was thankful that it was long-sleeved and I was happy that even though it was a little cold inside the shop because of air conditioning, the kitchen was warm and so was it outside.
“Okay,” I answered.
-----
“Oootsukaresamaaa…” Nao announced exactly after wiping the last table assigned to him, exaggeratedly stretching his arms upwards, and dropping himself on the chair next to him. “I’m so tired I’ll end up sleeping here.”
Stationed at the table not too far from his, I let out a small chuckle as I watched him yawn and remove his black-rimmed eyeglasses, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He really did look beat from hours of work. He had volunteered to extend his shift after hearing from Kai that Ryota- another part timer could not come to replace him on his post. “You should go home already,” I advised.
“Yeah, but let me just…” he replied, voice trailing off as he ducked his head down, pillowing it from the table with both his hands and arms. “Gahh! I just want to fall on my fluffy bed.”
“You were a ball of energy only seconds ago,” I said, hoping that it would cheer him up. Nao had been the most hyper being in the entire place for the whole twelve hours and I was amazed he was able to survive until this hour.
“I’m too tired to walk,” he said bobbing his head up only to hide it again. “Shou, carry me.”
That was something Nao would casually say, usually out of nowhere, but every time he did, I still found myself in shock. Sometimes I could not tell whether he was being serous or not. Should I try granting him one of his crazy requests one time?
Saving me from Nao’s demand, our manager came in, looking like he was about to fall asleep as well. “Nao, get up from there so you can start walking home. And you two, here’s your pay for tonight.”
If Nao had declared that he was too tired to walk, he was not that tired to bounce up happily from his seat to get the white envelope with his name written on the back from Kai. “Roger! I’m going boss,” he piped, giving Kai an animated salute and literally hopping off to the kitchen.
“That would be enough for today,” Kai said, glancing at the clock and motioning me to follow Nao. “You have other things to finish too.”
I only gaped at him, puzzled by what he had said and before I could ask what he meant, he had left to go back to the kitchen, leaving my pay on the table Nao had been occupying earlier as his bed. Warily eyeing the envelope, I deserted the table and picked up my earnings then marched to the kitchen where I found Kai having a serious talk with his cook. Nao was already gone, probably in the staffroom to get ready to leave.
I hung the rag I was using to wipe tables on the rack and ran the water to wash my hands. “Kai, I’m going home. Thanks for today,” I said, turning off the faucet and drying my hands with a clean towel. Kai nodded and smiled to acknowledge me than continued the discussion with the cook.
Nao was already out of his uniform when I entered the staffroom. He stood leaning on his locker, arms crossed over his chest, most likely waiting for me. He rarely did that; his shift usually ended earlier than mine. “Let’s walk to the station together.”
“Sure,” I answered, glad to have some company instead of walking alone. I took off my uniform, feeling the cool ventilation better, now that the piece of clothing doubling my shirt was gone. Although I tried not to, I had glanced unconsciously at my arm, huffing a little at the sight. Remembering Kai’s kind words this afternoon, I uttered my hushed gratitude to the air, assuming that the message would get delivered to Kai in some way.
“You okay Shou?”
“Yes,” I shrugged, snapping back to reality. I neatly folded the shirt and stuffed it inside my bag, making sure it would not get too many wrinkles. “Let’s go,” I said, once finished, securing the bag on my left shoulder.
Nao was unbearably quiet, his footsteps heavier than what I was used to. Tiredness seemed to have sunken into him, killing the liveliness he always displayed. “I really am going to collapse,” he whined, pressing his forehead against my back.
“You live opposite my way,” I reminded but permitted him to use my back as his temporary head rest.
The airing inside the shop was nothing compared to the breeze that hit us when we got out. Summer was fast approaching but nights remained cold and windy, a regrettable setting if you chose to wear thin clothes in the morning and stay late at night outside. But I could not really complain, this kind of weather was after all a lot better than having unexpected showers. Tonight, there would be no rain and that was for sure. The sky was clear black, and the moon was gold, beautifully full and wrapped in a three-hued rainbow.
“I think the night is perfect for a stroll.”
I knew the voice too much for me to not distinguish the owner. It was a special kind of sound, a melody comprised of various notes that no musical instrument would be able to produce. I frowned, torn between confusion and content as I spotted his tall figure standing beside the lamppost, few yards away in front of the building that housed my workplace. Dim orange light shone on his slightly shadow-casted face, making him appear more enigmatic and somewhat inhumane.
Gracing his lips with an assertive smile, he took slow but sure steps, meeting me halfway the narrow sidewalk. “I told Kai I’ll come pick you up.”
I stared at him with full attention, as if he would readily vanish if I squint. It was nothing out of ordinary but hearing him say those simple words, which meant exactly what he meant, was like watching a piece of riddle complete a long poem. With the night and scenery serving as background, everything was perfect and there was nothing more I could ask for.
“Geesh, you should have told me too,” Nao groggily interrupted, lifting his head off my back as he spoke. “Now you have to be patient with me until we get to the station.”
Laughing breezily, Tora came closer and bent forward, slipping his hand past my shoulders and gently pulling me to a quick, unobvious hug. “No one is asking you to go away,” he mouthed behind my ear, addressing the mischievous remark to Nao.
“I remember, you didn’t know so it’s mainly Kai’s fault,” Nao bit back. “But you see, I can understand subliminal messages.”
“No really,” Tora protested, moving backwards to release me from his embrace. Grasping my wrist however, he tugged me to his side so that he was rather face to face with Nao. “In fact I’m the one who’s asking for your patience.”
“Yeah whatever,” Nao sarcastically replied, rolling his eyes and waving his hand. “Anyway, let’s stop this drama,” he grumbled and walked ahead, not bothering to wait for us, keeping a steady one-metre-away distance.
Tora casted Nao an amused glance then grinned at me, wriggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. That enough implied what kind of a schemer he was. In return, a small smile fell on my lips as I shook my head, anticipating whatever it was occupying his mind.
“Nao, did I ever tell you that I love you?”Tora gleefully called causing Nao to halt.
“Ew. Could you please stick to saying that to Shou?” Nao turned around and gagged, scowling at the both of us.
Nao’s short retort caught me unguarded and prettily shocked. In reality, Tora had never said anything like that while I, had never thought for it to be that way. I would admit, that the time I had invested and the reason why I was here revolved around an unresolved attraction between the two of us. But it never occurred to me to me that it would be…
I was afraid to name it
Tora was silent, staring at me with an unreadable expression as I searched for something unknown in his eyes. We lasted like that for a few seconds which felt more like years or centuries, or eras even. After a while, he sighed in defeat, breaking eye contact. “I guess so,” he only said, gaze travelling to follow the path of the distant stars.
Not until this moment, I had had never known that it was possible to stop time, nor that the continuous spinning of earth could be put into hold. I had always believed that these things could never be seized, not even with the most perfect and graceful fingers vying for them. But knowing this matter was not significant at all. I only willed to understand one thing: the heart was not necessary to be able to feel.
----
The space between the two of us on the plush seat inside the train car, it was the only thing that kept us apart. I sat, half of my body reclining on the train wall, with Tora sitting on the left side, his head resting peacefully on the glass window. We were both pretending to sleep, the both of us, aware that we were both awake. But despite that, we kept our silence, contented in speaking through our unmoving hands entwined together behind the roughness of the messenger bag occupying the gap.
Five more stops and we would be at our station, a fifteen minute walk to and from Tora’s apartment which we now called our home. Strangely, I never considered heaven my home but here was I, living under a roof made of concrete, owning it like it was really mine. But I did feel that it was mine, that it was the most rightful place for me.
Tora had taken me in, refusing to let me out and he had helped me in a lot of things, sharing to me everything that was his. From then on, it did not take that long for us to agree on doing our best together and individually so we could live together. For once, I was enthusiastic again, looking forward to every single second that I needed to breathe, pleased with the grain of life still remaining inside of me.
“Shou, let’s get off the next station,” Tora began, lightly squeezing my hand. “Let’s just use the last train.”
Not pausing anymore to think, “I’d like to see the fireflies too,” I hummed in reply, cracking an eye open to see the satisfied smile on his face. “I’d like to catch one.”
“You’re too kind for that stuff,” he beamed.”And I’m pretty sure.”
“It’s not kindness,” I argued. “And how would you know that I wouldn’t want a souvenir?”
“Defensiveness pretty much dismisses everything,” he confidently relayed, quaintly waking up from his pretend sleep so that he was eyeing me with an arduous expression.
I wanted to disprove his point but trying to do so would have to be hopeless because he already won the argument. And although I did love fireflies, I was not that cruel to take away the independence that was innately theirs. I, instead let the issue settle, allowing Tora to enjoy his victory without admitting defeat.
The train was luckily on my side for right on time, it stopped to rescue me, signalling for us to get off. Tora loosened his grip around my hand as he stood up but held still, guiding me through the electric door and the thin number of passengers, until we were outside the station. I had no idea where we were, though I had read the name of the station countless times before.
We started to stroll around without a solid target place in mind, passing several buildings, houses and roads leading to who knew where. But as we went farther and farther away, I felt Tora’s true intentions. He had the decisiveness that left me with nothing else to do but comply and relate to his actions as I waited for an explanation. I did not feel the need to ask, I trusted him more than I trusted myself. It was when we were finally alone in the broad empty field of grasses, with the glittering moon as our only light, that I had the urge to speak.
“Sorry Shou but there aren’t fireflies in here,” he apologetically said, unclasping his hand from mine.
“I understand,” I replied, sensing the graveness in his tone. Of all the days we had spent together, this was the first time he had sombrely spoken to me in that way. In an instant, I had the impression that the night would very be special. At last, after these months of reluctance, secreted questions and emotions would have the chance to be unveiled. “I really wanted to ask you.”
He reached out, placing his smooth palms on my cheeks. “I know,” he whispered. “And I know that you already have the answer to your own question.”
“But I still would like to ask,” I said, staring directly at the depth of his eyes. “When you found me in the rooftop, you were thinking of the same thing weren’t you?”
“Yes,” he bit his lip, ironically smiling. “But not on that day. It had been playing in my mind for a while but then you were there, stealing my moment,” he laughed, pausing to think. “Shou, I want to tell you something. I have decided.”
I could not think of a decent answer to that. I had been waiting for this time to come, but now that I was facing the real situation, I was all scared and nervous.
“The fireflies you wish to see had long vacated this piece of land for my corpse lies here. That night, I had again found you in this place, but I guess you don’t remember. I stink with the scent of blood, that is how and why. I know you have somehow seen it on me but you kept silent. I bring about death. And the sky weeps at my stake every time. Shou, I want to hold you close and I’m risking everything to be able to do this.”
Trickles of tears started to fog my vision at his confessions. All of a sudden, my heart was throbbing with pain, mixed with affection and sympathy. Yes, I had known for a long time the way Tora lived, the kind of craft he created with his own talented hands. I had witnessed him carrying all of his burdens and in effort to equal that, I shut my eyes, acting innocent. Now that I finally heard it straight coming from him I could see how Tora was far more hurting than I had been.
“Don’t cry,” Tora hushed, brushing both his thumbs to wipe the tears under my eyes. “Your eyes are made for smiling and I’ve dedicated my life for that purpose.”
“Tora,” I sobbed even more, wrapping my fingers around his wrists and clinging on to them so I would have the strength to not fall. “Instead of that why don’t you let me?”
Tora did not speak. He simply smiled and closed his eyelids, lifting his head up and uttering indistinct sounds. A tender breeze caressed both our faces as low thunders growled, breaking the heavens, and sending chills down my spine. The moment Tora opened his eyes again, droplets of water began to fall from the unbelievably cloudless sky. “I want to kiss you in the rain,” he said.
Who exactly was he?
The question was left unanswered when sanity deserted my consciousness as his soft sweet lips were pressed against mine. I leaned forward, curling my arms around his neck, letting him lead me into bliss.
We were both soaking when we pulled apart to breathe and fill our lungs with air. The rain continued to pour down, bathing our bodies in damp coldness. “Sorry we’re both wet and I think we missed the last train,” Tora excused.
I shook my head and exhaled, gathering some courage for myself- I had made my choice too. “Let me be your warmth,” I firmly said, taking his hand in mine and guiding it to touch the topmost button of my clothing.
There was a look of surprise and hesitancy in him that I was suddenly embarrassed, almost willing to take back what I had just said. But after some seconds, Tora tightened his clutch, fiddling the cloth between his fingers as he bent closer for another kiss.
Let me at least tell you how much life you have given me.
-----
Endnotes: wah~ exams week is coming T^T (wish me luck cos they’re all going to be in pure Japanese). That is why I wanted to finish this before that so I could concentrate on studying. I’ve also been busy these past few weeks, I am greatly sorry for the delay. Mou, I wunna have my Shou already. This chappie is dedicated to my wife a_ashi (I miss you now hun) and langzhen (I miss you too deary) because they made me happy ^^.
PS. I’m not much of a smut person and I’m afraid I’m going to ruin it. Comments are pure love and please do tell me what you think ne~ cuz I honestly don’t know what to think.
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