The New Moon Picspam of Epicnessity: Part Two.
So yeah, I was kinda-sorta-maybe waiting for DVD caps. READ IT AND WEEP. Hopefully with laughter.
Warnings: Some cussing, a few sexual references, the threat of comparing manboobs, and a look into SMeyer's Thesaurus.
Bella: Edward, doll, I know you're busy sulking and all - oh my God, that rhymes, I LOVE accidental rhyming - but anyway, I have to interrupt to ask: is that lipstick you're wearing?
Edward: It is pure ruby rouge, you charlatan. I don't wear lipstick. That's for girls.
Bella: Rouge? As in what the Egyptian ladies used to wear? Dude, they found out that stuff could actually kill you -
Edward: SILENCE YOUR MOUTH.
Bella: Damn.
Edward: Whoops, sorry. I just feel a bit on edge, for obvious reasons -
Bella: Yeah... whoa, have you been Jearing?
Edward: ... as in "jeer, v.: to laugh at with contempt and derision, i. e. 'the crowd jeered at the speaker?'"
Bella: No. I mean, like, Jears. Jack-tears. Like on Lost. Although in your case, it would be... Eears, I guess...
Edward: That sounds more like either a fictional name for a up-and-coming European energy drink or a beta version of prosthetic earlobes.
Bella: Why the hell would anyone need prosthetic ear lobes?
Edward: How should I know? Let's make out.
So then after Edward groans in such a fashion as to sound appropriately and phonetically equivalent to the acronym "UNF" and Bella goes all "THINK OF THE MAIL FINN," they part ways for the night.
~INDIE MUSIC INTERLUDE~
So now Bella's gone all Janis Ian and waxes eloquent about how looooooove was meant for beauty queeeeeeeeens with clear-skinned smiles, etc., and basically about how she's so unworthy that she must fold all pictures of herself so as to HIDE THE TROLL MASK THAT IS HER VISAGE. But then Edward snoops through her stuff and gets all mad because he looks bloated in all her pictures, so he destroys the evidence. OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE IN LOVE.
Bella: Hey babe! You weren't at school! What's going down now? ... That's What She Said.
Edward: Well, excuse you. TO THE WOODS, YOU LASCIVIOUS FLUFFERNUTTER.
Bella: ... Is this about that time that Jasper and I tricked you into thinking that that hot pink dildo was a popsicle? Because I TOTALLY apologized for that.
Edward: No, although that'd be reason enough.
(lol, he looks so sulky and petulant in these pics. Like Baby!Pattz would.)
... WAIT, THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA:
Introducing a touching new Lifetime Movie Network original - His Face Was Always Flat: The Robert Pattinson Story, wherein KStew takes in the troubled blonde orphan Baby!Pattz and raises him to realize that there's nothing wrong with having a face as unvaried in altitudes as a pancake. IT'D BE GENIUS. I have the draft for its screenplay open in another window on my browser, you know I do.
Edward: Right. The Cullen-Swan Relationship Committee has been called to order. Do we have a quorum?
Bella: Wait, wha... oh, great. Do we have to do this EVERY TIME we try to have an "important" talk, Edward?
Edward: Do we have a quorum?
Bella: *sigh* Yes. We have a quorum. Of two. Which is, coincidentally, the maximum. Yeesh.
Edward: That's better. Role call: "Edward Anthony Percival Wolfric Brian Cullen. Present." Bella Swan? Do we have a Bella Swan?
Bella: Sweet Moses, help me now. Present.
Edward: Hmm? Who is "Sweet Moses?"
Bella: NEVER MIND.
Edward: Jolly good! Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to get this done with quickly, so... Bella, my nutrisweet-enhanced ragamuffin... we're finished.
Bella: ...
Edward: ... You know, done... defeated...
Bella: ...
Edward: Okay then. Alphabetically, we're... *pulls out SMeyer's Magical Thesaurus of Bacchanalian Happenstances (the technical name for it, I believe)* ... annihilated, assassinated, bested, brought down, carried off, ceased, clinched, closed, completed, culminated, destroyed, dispatched, disposed of, done in, downed, executed, exterminated, gotten rid of, liquidated, overcome, overpowered, put away, rubbed out -
Bella: *snickers*
Edward: ... ruined, slaughtered, slain, taken off, taken out, vaporized, and worsted.
Bella: Whoa, wait, vaporized? And how can you be both "bested" and "worsted" - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaait, hold the phone. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
Edward: What I'm trying to say is, my family and I are leaving. That whole "Carlisle Is The Little Known And Short Lived Member of New Kids On The Block" excuse stopped being believable waaaaaaaaaaaaay back. We've got to go before we are... *flicks out thesaurus AGAIN* ... annihilated, assassinated -
Bella: Okay, okay, I got it the first time. I want to come.
Edward: Bella, I don't WANT you to come.
Bella: That's What She Said.
Edward: ... Sex jokes? While we're breaking up? Really, Bells? Really?
Bella: THAT'S HOW I ROLL.
Edward: It's not you, it's me.
Bella: ...You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody, IT'S ME.
Edward: All right, Bella, it's you.
Bella: You're damn right it's me.
Edward: I was just trying to...
Bella: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
Edward: I'm sure you do it very well.
Bella: Yes. Well. Unfortunately you'll NEVER GET THE CHANCE TO FIND OUT. I AM VERY DISAPPOINT.
Edward: ... Don't you mean "disappointed?"
Bella: NO. Because that has "Ed" in it, which is part of your name. AND I DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME ANYMORE.
Edward: ... Right.
Edward: Right, gotta go! Somewhere, somehow, Jimmy Fallon is mocking me in a tree and I need to stop him. But before I do, promise me something.
Bella: Well, I'm not exactly in the mood to negotiate, but hit me with it.
Edward: Try not... to be too reckless, or get hurt. I hope that because of me, you'll never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Bella: Um, wow. I wasn't aware that I was breaking up with KELLY CLARKSON.
Edward: FAREWELL. Parting is such average-tasting sorrow.
And because this is all obvs ~VERY TRAGIC~, Bella runs around the forest looking for Edward/Narnia/The Hansel-and-Gretel Witch Lady Candy House, but she finds not a one of these things.
UP IS DOWN, RIGHT IS LEFT, VERTICAL LINES HAVE A DEFINABLE SLOPE, AND THE DEPTH OF THIS DESPAIR CAN ONLY BE COMMUNICATED BY A SERIES OF GRIEVING MEN/BOYS.
GENTLEMEN, YOU NOW HAVE THE FLOOR.
AND THAT'S ALL THEY WROTE.
(Gah, Kurt, why so beautiful, YOU ARE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE...)
Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes, unimaginable Hummel. WHOOPS. I mean, unimaginable heartbreak. Right.
So Bella eventually wakes up from her midsummer night's dream... or postsummer night's freak-out, whatever...
... and finds that she's been cut-and-pasted onto the cover of a Drugstore Harlequin Paperback Romance: Werewolf Edition.
My Sis: OH. UNF. NOW THE MOVIE'S STARTING. HELLO. MORE CHEST, PLEASE.
sophie_lizzie: I WOULD NOT COMPLAIN IF THERE WERE MORE PECS, JS
Charlie The Awesome: OMG, MY BB D':
All Of Our Hearts: Oh Charlie The Awesome, you may be one of the most unobservant and irresponsible fathers ever, but we still quiver in sorrow for you and your daughter. And your sad pornstache. *collective sorrow-quiver*
Jacob: SOMEONE CALL THE DOCTOR.
Sam: GOT A CASE OF A LOVE BI-POLAR.
Jacob: STUCK ON A ROLLER COASTER, CAN'T GET OFF THIS RIDE.
Sam: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
Jacob: Have you no limits, ye cad? HAVE YE NONE?
Sam: Whatever. Speaking of Katy Perry songs, I'm pretty sure I'll never catch you singing "I Kissed A Girl," Jakey Boo.
Asleep!Bella: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH BURN.
*fade-to-blaaaaaaaaaaaaaack*
But oh, wait. The PIECE DE RESISTANCE:
October: I'm such a pretty word!
November: I'M PRETTIER, YOU SLUT.
December: I'm the dark horse in the competition, wherein I'll stay quiet and then you'll both be shocked when I'm declared THE PRETTIEST.
November: No, seriously, I'm the prettiest. I'M IN A BAND NAME. The Early November? Ever heard of it? YES YOU HAVE.
December: The Decemberists is a cooler name. And they make better music.
November: LIES AND FALSEHOODS.
December: TRUTHS AND HONESTIES.
November: THAT'S NOT A WORD.
December: YOUR MUSIC'S BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.
Bella: Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when the tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise... or, you know, a really nasty scab... or toe blisters... or those really nasty canker sores, which bitch like a mofo when you get them on your tongue... or like when, you know, Charlie The Awesome falls asleep and you realize that, firstly, he left the TV on Men of a Certain Age, which is SUCH A TERRIBLE SHOW, and Ray Romano's character won't stop whining, but you can't find the remote, and you just want to watch Glee because Mark Salling is hot enough to brave a fauxhawk... but really, more like the original bruise-pulse thingy... yeah.
So anyway, in between ostracizing herself from the social realm and reminding me of Russell Brand's impression of Sleep Panic Disorder, Bella writes the occasional letter to Alice's cancelled e-mail account.
Dear Alice,
So the other day I Netflixed District 9 since you recommended it right after it came out. We're 45 minutes into it, and now the dude has a prawn hand and there's this questionable inky substance and now Charlie The Awesome is puking like a fifth-grader into the loo as I type this. PLEASE ADVICE.
God Bless No Stress,
Bella
---
Dear Alice,
I now blame you and your brother - YOU KNOW WHICH ONE - for the following wrongs: lies, falsehoods, ne'er-do-welling, assorted cruel chicanery, Val Kilmer's loss of hotness ever since Top Gun, the existence of the SAT, the existence of the ACT, the existence of the Pos-T-Vac, the fact that the informercial for said abomination caught me unawares, the strange and random flatulence of Tinky-Winky on the Teletubbies, the cancellation of Arrested Development, Ryan Reynolds and Elijah Wood tasing Andy Samberg in the butt, at last but not least, PajamaJeans.
Cheers,
Bella
---
Charlie The Awesome: Guuuuuuuuurl, we need to talk. I'm sending you back to your mama.
Bella: Say what, Charlie The Unobservant? TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Charlie The Awesome And Apparently Unobservant: Well, the other night I passed by your laptop and saw the words "tasing Andy Samberg in the butt" emblazoned across your monitor. And I don't think I can condone that.
Bella: Well, I guess my secret's out, Dad. I have a secret kink for electrical shocks in conjunction with SNL Digital Shorts.
Charlie The Awesome: ... Something's wrong, isn't it?
Bella: I spent four months sitting in the same spot listening to that Lykke Li song on repeat. So, yeah, there's a possibilityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy that there's something, you know, off-kilter.
Charlie The Awesome: I actually heard nothing you just said since I was checking out The Pornstache in your rear-view mirrors. Anyway, I've got to go. Harry Clearwater and I are going to Brokeback - I mean...
Bella: That's it, I need more estrogen in my life. I'M CALLING JESSICA.
Theater Sign: I KNOW, I KNOW. DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. I WAS NOTHING MORE THAN AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER. I DIDN'T PUT THIS CRAPPY MOVIE TITLE ON MYSELF. SHUT UP.
Jessica: So anyway, Bella, I think I have it all figured out. You know how The Office US version presents MIchael Scott as the main character and star of the show? But really, everyone knows that the series has a ~secret lead~, and that it's Jim/Pam cuteness? Admittedly, the magic has dissipated over the seasons to many, but still, the show thrives on this PB & J secret lead. Well, bringing it all back to my original point, I'm pretty sure that I'm the ~secret lead~ in this scenario, since the ten seconds that I get to speak in this flick are also the ten funniest and least hackneyed seconds in the film. What do you think?
Bella: ... You're just sore about losing your Oscar, aren't you?
Jessica: SHUT UP. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU DIDN'T GET TO SPEND WEEKS ON END AROUND GEORGE CLOONEY.
Omniscient George Clooney Voice: Don't bring me into a teen fluff flick, please. I have suffered enough.
Bella: Whoa, did you hear something?
Jessica: Nope.
Edward: DON'T GET ON THAT MOTORCYCLE.
Bella: WHAT THE WHAT.
Edward: YOU HEARD ME.
Bella: ... Well, you know what, I'm not going to be taking orders from someone who has a mid-sized SUV for a chin.
Jessica: What the hell?
Bella: Oh, sorry Jessica. I was just talking to my chinless ex-boyfriend.
Jessica: ...
Bella: Now, I've got to go. The Sons of Anarchy beckon.
Jessica: Whoa, Bella, we talked about this. Scruffy dudes on motorcycles do not equate the Sons of Anarchy.
Bella: Well, one of them looks a bit like Charlie Hunnam... if I squint... See ya!
Jessica: ... They should make pills for this.
Edward: LISTEN, YOU. DON'T GET ON THAT BIKE.
Bella: You have no torso. Your argument is invalid.
Edward: ARE YOU PREJUDICED AGAINST HANDICAPPED PEOPLE, THEN?
Bella: I judge anyone who's an asshole and a phantom.
So then Bella tralalas off with Random Man, who from the looks of it is tickled pink by the whole situation.
Random Man: BUT WHAT CAN A POOR BOY DOOOOOOOOOOO 'CEPT TO SING FOR A ROCK AND ROLL BAAAAAAAAAAAAND, CAUSE IN SLEEPY LONDON TOWN THERE'S NO PLACE FOR A STREET FIGHTING -
Bella: HOLY SHIT, I SAW MY EX. STOP THIS THING.
Random Man: ... "there's no place for a street fighting holy shit I saw my ex stop this thing..." no, that's not how it goes...
Bella: Gentleman, you heard me. UNHAND ME AT ONCE.
Random Man: ... Um, okay? Chillax.
So then Jessica gives Bella a righteous smackdown on what to do and not do as a thrill-seeking young girl, and it just generally makes me like Movie!Jessica/Anna Kendrick even more.
Jessica: Seriously: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Bella: I felt the need... the need for speeeeeeeeed.
Jessica: ... Okay. Let's get this straight. You are not Maverick, AND I AM NOT GOOSE. GOOSE DIES, REMEMBER? Why would you bring Top Gun into this conversation anyway? If you wanted to dwell on shirtless dudes with whiny voices, why didn't we go see a romcom?
Bella: Did you say "shirtless dudes with whiny voices?"
Jessica: ... Yes?
Bella: I KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THAT.
Bella: OFTEN-SHIRTLESS-BOY WITH WHINY VOICE!
Jacob: HOODED TEENAGE GIRL!
So then they hug, which is actually quite adorable. Mmm, I love boy hugs. If you haven't had one in a while, you should get one. They're quite nice.
Jacob: So what brings you around these parts?
Bella: Well, Jessica, went on a diatribe about Top Gun last night, and now I'm here.
Jacob: ... Not sure how that makes sense, but still: good to see you.
Bella: Ditto! Oh, and I brought a bunch of crap for you to fix up.
sophie_lizzie: Do they even explain how she got these in the movie? I remember she got them from some random preteen in the book, but still...
lily_evanstar: Is that even relevant? HE PICKS THEM UP WITH THE FIRST KNUCKLE OF HIS PINKY FINGER. THAT IS WHAT IS RELEVANT HERE.
sophie_lizzie: shhh, Team Jacob Sister, shhh.
But just when Jacob's trying to give Bella his version of Blue Steel, the BROMANCERS come in and ruin EVERYTHING.
Jacob: OMG, you guys, why are you here? I've got a GIRL in the mancave! And you're not even dressed for it. Quil, look at you. You're wearing sweatpants. IT'S MONDAY.
Quil: C'mon Jakey! Monday's the day we all get together and compare the size of our manboobs!
Freddie McLair: DUDES, COULD I GET IN ON THAT? LOOK:
Jacob: Uhhhhh.... that's lovely. But no. ALL Y'ALL GET OUT, THERE'S TOO MANY DICKS ON THIS DANCE FLOOR.
So Quil & Embry, understanding that it ain't no good if there's too much wood, hightailed it out of there. LOL GET IT? BECAUSE THEY'RE WEREWOLVES? WITH - TAILS - Aww forget it. Y'ALL BITCHES CAN WALK HOME.
(OH, AND BY THE WAY, IF ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE FREDDIE SITUATION - AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN - FEEL FREE. I'VE GOT A RANT OR THREE THAT I'D JUST LOVE TO UNLEASH ABOUT IT ALL.)
So then Jacob and Bella bond over crappy broken-down motorcycles and pizza and tips on how best to shampoo their long flowing tresses, and it's all lovey-dovey etc. Somewhere in there I think Bella finds the time to write another Voiceover!E-mail to Alice.
Dear Alice,
Things are looking up for me. It's like an episode of American Choppers around here! But, without the fighting. And the fat dudes. And... anything that's on American Chopper. But I DID see Frederick McLair's non-manboobs. And that is something indeed. Seriously, he's pretty hot for a funsponge. Oh, and I might be leading Jacob on, just for kicks. Shh, don't tell.
No Love,
Bella
Charlie The Awesome: Bells, wake up.
Bella: GAGA ROMAMA WANT YOUR BAD RO-OMANCE.
Charlie The Awesome: Excuse me?
Bella: WANT YOUR UGLY, WANT YOUR DISEASE, WANT YOUR EVERYTHING AS LONG AS - wait, what?
Charlie The Awesome: First of all, Bella, "Bad Romance" was months ago. All the cool kids are singing "Let's Make A Sandwich" or "Telephone" in their sleep now.
Bella: ...
Charlie The Awesome: Secondly, that dreamcatcher doesn't do shit. These night hauntings are happening alllllll the tiiiiiiiiiime. And it's really harshing my mellow. So jus' hang loose, blood. Jacob gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Bella: ... Are you high or something?
Charlie The Awesome: What kind of question is that? OF COURSE I AM. I MEAN... HIGH ON LIFE, THAT IS. AND DON'T I LOOK A BIT LIKE TOM SELLECK WHEN I DO THIS THING WHERE I STARE AT A CORNER OF THE CEILING?
Bella: ... Good night, Pops.
Charlie The Awesome: NO SERIOUSLY. PLUS WE BOTH HAVE NASALLY VOICES WHICH DON'T REALLY MATCH OUR BODIES.
Bella: I SAID GOOD NIGHT.
- - -
Will Quil ever get to talk about his manboobs again? Will Chinless!Edward appear yet again? Will Charlie The Awesome ever get verification on his theory that he's T. Selleck's long lost little bro? Find out perhaps none of these things next time in the New Moon Picspam of Epicnessity: PART THREE.
Warnings: Some cussing, a few sexual references, the threat of comparing manboobs, and a look into SMeyer's Thesaurus.
Bella: Edward, doll, I know you're busy sulking and all - oh my God, that rhymes, I LOVE accidental rhyming - but anyway, I have to interrupt to ask: is that lipstick you're wearing?
Edward: It is pure ruby rouge, you charlatan. I don't wear lipstick. That's for girls.
Bella: Rouge? As in what the Egyptian ladies used to wear? Dude, they found out that stuff could actually kill you -
Edward: SILENCE YOUR MOUTH.
Bella: Damn.
Edward: Whoops, sorry. I just feel a bit on edge, for obvious reasons -
Bella: Yeah... whoa, have you been Jearing?
Edward: ... as in "jeer, v.: to laugh at with contempt and derision, i. e. 'the crowd jeered at the speaker?'"
Bella: No. I mean, like, Jears. Jack-tears. Like on Lost. Although in your case, it would be... Eears, I guess...
Edward: That sounds more like either a fictional name for a up-and-coming European energy drink or a beta version of prosthetic earlobes.
Bella: Why the hell would anyone need prosthetic ear lobes?
Edward: How should I know? Let's make out.
So then after Edward groans in such a fashion as to sound appropriately and phonetically equivalent to the acronym "UNF" and Bella goes all "THINK OF THE MAIL FINN," they part ways for the night.
~INDIE MUSIC INTERLUDE~
So now Bella's gone all Janis Ian and waxes eloquent about how looooooove was meant for beauty queeeeeeeeens with clear-skinned smiles, etc., and basically about how she's so unworthy that she must fold all pictures of herself so as to HIDE THE TROLL MASK THAT IS HER VISAGE. But then Edward snoops through her stuff and gets all mad because he looks bloated in all her pictures, so he destroys the evidence. OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE IN LOVE.
Bella: Hey babe! You weren't at school! What's going down now? ... That's What She Said.
Edward: Well, excuse you. TO THE WOODS, YOU LASCIVIOUS FLUFFERNUTTER.
Bella: ... Is this about that time that Jasper and I tricked you into thinking that that hot pink dildo was a popsicle? Because I TOTALLY apologized for that.
Edward: No, although that'd be reason enough.
(lol, he looks so sulky and petulant in these pics. Like Baby!Pattz would.)
... WAIT, THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA:
Introducing a touching new Lifetime Movie Network original - His Face Was Always Flat: The Robert Pattinson Story, wherein KStew takes in the troubled blonde orphan Baby!Pattz and raises him to realize that there's nothing wrong with having a face as unvaried in altitudes as a pancake. IT'D BE GENIUS. I have the draft for its screenplay open in another window on my browser, you know I do.
Edward: Right. The Cullen-Swan Relationship Committee has been called to order. Do we have a quorum?
Bella: Wait, wha... oh, great. Do we have to do this EVERY TIME we try to have an "important" talk, Edward?
Edward: Do we have a quorum?
Bella: *sigh* Yes. We have a quorum. Of two. Which is, coincidentally, the maximum. Yeesh.
Edward: That's better. Role call: "Edward Anthony Percival Wolfric Brian Cullen. Present." Bella Swan? Do we have a Bella Swan?
Bella: Sweet Moses, help me now. Present.
Edward: Hmm? Who is "Sweet Moses?"
Bella: NEVER MIND.
Edward: Jolly good! Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to get this done with quickly, so... Bella, my nutrisweet-enhanced ragamuffin... we're finished.
Bella: ...
Edward: ... You know, done... defeated...
Bella: ...
Edward: Okay then. Alphabetically, we're... *pulls out SMeyer's Magical Thesaurus of Bacchanalian Happenstances (the technical name for it, I believe)* ... annihilated, assassinated, bested, brought down, carried off, ceased, clinched, closed, completed, culminated, destroyed, dispatched, disposed of, done in, downed, executed, exterminated, gotten rid of, liquidated, overcome, overpowered, put away, rubbed out -
Bella: *snickers*
Edward: ... ruined, slaughtered, slain, taken off, taken out, vaporized, and worsted.
Bella: Whoa, wait, vaporized? And how can you be both "bested" and "worsted" - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaait, hold the phone. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
Edward: What I'm trying to say is, my family and I are leaving. That whole "Carlisle Is The Little Known And Short Lived Member of New Kids On The Block" excuse stopped being believable waaaaaaaaaaaaay back. We've got to go before we are... *flicks out thesaurus AGAIN* ... annihilated, assassinated -
Bella: Okay, okay, I got it the first time. I want to come.
Edward: Bella, I don't WANT you to come.
Bella: That's What She Said.
Edward: ... Sex jokes? While we're breaking up? Really, Bells? Really?
Bella: THAT'S HOW I ROLL.
Edward: It's not you, it's me.
Bella: ...You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody, IT'S ME.
Edward: All right, Bella, it's you.
Bella: You're damn right it's me.
Edward: I was just trying to...
Bella: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
Edward: I'm sure you do it very well.
Bella: Yes. Well. Unfortunately you'll NEVER GET THE CHANCE TO FIND OUT. I AM VERY DISAPPOINT.
Edward: ... Don't you mean "disappointed?"
Bella: NO. Because that has "Ed" in it, which is part of your name. AND I DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME ANYMORE.
Edward: ... Right.
Edward: Right, gotta go! Somewhere, somehow, Jimmy Fallon is mocking me in a tree and I need to stop him. But before I do, promise me something.
Bella: Well, I'm not exactly in the mood to negotiate, but hit me with it.
Edward: Try not... to be too reckless, or get hurt. I hope that because of me, you'll never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Bella: Um, wow. I wasn't aware that I was breaking up with KELLY CLARKSON.
Edward: FAREWELL. Parting is such average-tasting sorrow.
And because this is all obvs ~VERY TRAGIC~, Bella runs around the forest looking for Edward/Narnia/The Hansel-and-Gretel Witch Lady Candy House, but she finds not a one of these things.
UP IS DOWN, RIGHT IS LEFT, VERTICAL LINES HAVE A DEFINABLE SLOPE, AND THE DEPTH OF THIS DESPAIR CAN ONLY BE COMMUNICATED BY A SERIES OF GRIEVING MEN/BOYS.
GENTLEMEN, YOU NOW HAVE THE FLOOR.
AND THAT'S ALL THEY WROTE.
(Gah, Kurt, why so beautiful, YOU ARE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE...)
Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes, unimaginable Hummel. WHOOPS. I mean, unimaginable heartbreak. Right.
So Bella eventually wakes up from her midsummer night's dream... or postsummer night's freak-out, whatever...
... and finds that she's been cut-and-pasted onto the cover of a Drugstore Harlequin Paperback Romance: Werewolf Edition.
My Sis: OH. UNF. NOW THE MOVIE'S STARTING. HELLO. MORE CHEST, PLEASE.
sophie_lizzie: I WOULD NOT COMPLAIN IF THERE WERE MORE PECS, JS
Charlie The Awesome: OMG, MY BB D':
All Of Our Hearts: Oh Charlie The Awesome, you may be one of the most unobservant and irresponsible fathers ever, but we still quiver in sorrow for you and your daughter. And your sad pornstache. *collective sorrow-quiver*
Jacob: SOMEONE CALL THE DOCTOR.
Sam: GOT A CASE OF A LOVE BI-POLAR.
Jacob: STUCK ON A ROLLER COASTER, CAN'T GET OFF THIS RIDE.
Sam: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
Jacob: Have you no limits, ye cad? HAVE YE NONE?
Sam: Whatever. Speaking of Katy Perry songs, I'm pretty sure I'll never catch you singing "I Kissed A Girl," Jakey Boo.
Asleep!Bella: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH BURN.
*fade-to-blaaaaaaaaaaaaaack*
But oh, wait. The PIECE DE RESISTANCE:
October: I'm such a pretty word!
November: I'M PRETTIER, YOU SLUT.
December: I'm the dark horse in the competition, wherein I'll stay quiet and then you'll both be shocked when I'm declared THE PRETTIEST.
November: No, seriously, I'm the prettiest. I'M IN A BAND NAME. The Early November? Ever heard of it? YES YOU HAVE.
December: The Decemberists is a cooler name. And they make better music.
November: LIES AND FALSEHOODS.
December: TRUTHS AND HONESTIES.
November: THAT'S NOT A WORD.
December: YOUR MUSIC'S BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.
Bella: Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when the tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise... or, you know, a really nasty scab... or toe blisters... or those really nasty canker sores, which bitch like a mofo when you get them on your tongue... or like when, you know, Charlie The Awesome falls asleep and you realize that, firstly, he left the TV on Men of a Certain Age, which is SUCH A TERRIBLE SHOW, and Ray Romano's character won't stop whining, but you can't find the remote, and you just want to watch Glee because Mark Salling is hot enough to brave a fauxhawk... but really, more like the original bruise-pulse thingy... yeah.
So anyway, in between ostracizing herself from the social realm and reminding me of Russell Brand's impression of Sleep Panic Disorder, Bella writes the occasional letter to Alice's cancelled e-mail account.
Dear Alice,
So the other day I Netflixed District 9 since you recommended it right after it came out. We're 45 minutes into it, and now the dude has a prawn hand and there's this questionable inky substance and now Charlie The Awesome is puking like a fifth-grader into the loo as I type this. PLEASE ADVICE.
God Bless No Stress,
Bella
---
Dear Alice,
I now blame you and your brother - YOU KNOW WHICH ONE - for the following wrongs: lies, falsehoods, ne'er-do-welling, assorted cruel chicanery, Val Kilmer's loss of hotness ever since Top Gun, the existence of the SAT, the existence of the ACT, the existence of the Pos-T-Vac, the fact that the informercial for said abomination caught me unawares, the strange and random flatulence of Tinky-Winky on the Teletubbies, the cancellation of Arrested Development, Ryan Reynolds and Elijah Wood tasing Andy Samberg in the butt, at last but not least, PajamaJeans.
Cheers,
Bella
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Charlie The Awesome: Guuuuuuuuurl, we need to talk. I'm sending you back to your mama.
Bella: Say what, Charlie The Unobservant? TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Charlie The Awesome And Apparently Unobservant: Well, the other night I passed by your laptop and saw the words "tasing Andy Samberg in the butt" emblazoned across your monitor. And I don't think I can condone that.
Bella: Well, I guess my secret's out, Dad. I have a secret kink for electrical shocks in conjunction with SNL Digital Shorts.
Charlie The Awesome: ... Something's wrong, isn't it?
Bella: I spent four months sitting in the same spot listening to that Lykke Li song on repeat. So, yeah, there's a possibilityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy that there's something, you know, off-kilter.
Charlie The Awesome: I actually heard nothing you just said since I was checking out The Pornstache in your rear-view mirrors. Anyway, I've got to go. Harry Clearwater and I are going to Brokeback - I mean...
Bella: That's it, I need more estrogen in my life. I'M CALLING JESSICA.
Theater Sign: I KNOW, I KNOW. DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. I WAS NOTHING MORE THAN AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER. I DIDN'T PUT THIS CRAPPY MOVIE TITLE ON MYSELF. SHUT UP.
Jessica: So anyway, Bella, I think I have it all figured out. You know how The Office US version presents MIchael Scott as the main character and star of the show? But really, everyone knows that the series has a ~secret lead~, and that it's Jim/Pam cuteness? Admittedly, the magic has dissipated over the seasons to many, but still, the show thrives on this PB & J secret lead. Well, bringing it all back to my original point, I'm pretty sure that I'm the ~secret lead~ in this scenario, since the ten seconds that I get to speak in this flick are also the ten funniest and least hackneyed seconds in the film. What do you think?
Bella: ... You're just sore about losing your Oscar, aren't you?
Jessica: SHUT UP. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU DIDN'T GET TO SPEND WEEKS ON END AROUND GEORGE CLOONEY.
Omniscient George Clooney Voice: Don't bring me into a teen fluff flick, please. I have suffered enough.
Bella: Whoa, did you hear something?
Jessica: Nope.
Edward: DON'T GET ON THAT MOTORCYCLE.
Bella: WHAT THE WHAT.
Edward: YOU HEARD ME.
Bella: ... Well, you know what, I'm not going to be taking orders from someone who has a mid-sized SUV for a chin.
Jessica: What the hell?
Bella: Oh, sorry Jessica. I was just talking to my chinless ex-boyfriend.
Jessica: ...
Bella: Now, I've got to go. The Sons of Anarchy beckon.
Jessica: Whoa, Bella, we talked about this. Scruffy dudes on motorcycles do not equate the Sons of Anarchy.
Bella: Well, one of them looks a bit like Charlie Hunnam... if I squint... See ya!
Jessica: ... They should make pills for this.
Edward: LISTEN, YOU. DON'T GET ON THAT BIKE.
Bella: You have no torso. Your argument is invalid.
Edward: ARE YOU PREJUDICED AGAINST HANDICAPPED PEOPLE, THEN?
Bella: I judge anyone who's an asshole and a phantom.
So then Bella tralalas off with Random Man, who from the looks of it is tickled pink by the whole situation.
Random Man: BUT WHAT CAN A POOR BOY DOOOOOOOOOOO 'CEPT TO SING FOR A ROCK AND ROLL BAAAAAAAAAAAAND, CAUSE IN SLEEPY LONDON TOWN THERE'S NO PLACE FOR A STREET FIGHTING -
Bella: HOLY SHIT, I SAW MY EX. STOP THIS THING.
Random Man: ... "there's no place for a street fighting holy shit I saw my ex stop this thing..." no, that's not how it goes...
Bella: Gentleman, you heard me. UNHAND ME AT ONCE.
Random Man: ... Um, okay? Chillax.
So then Jessica gives Bella a righteous smackdown on what to do and not do as a thrill-seeking young girl, and it just generally makes me like Movie!Jessica/Anna Kendrick even more.
Jessica: Seriously: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Bella: I felt the need... the need for speeeeeeeeed.
Jessica: ... Okay. Let's get this straight. You are not Maverick, AND I AM NOT GOOSE. GOOSE DIES, REMEMBER? Why would you bring Top Gun into this conversation anyway? If you wanted to dwell on shirtless dudes with whiny voices, why didn't we go see a romcom?
Bella: Did you say "shirtless dudes with whiny voices?"
Jessica: ... Yes?
Bella: I KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THAT.
Bella: OFTEN-SHIRTLESS-BOY WITH WHINY VOICE!
Jacob: HOODED TEENAGE GIRL!
So then they hug, which is actually quite adorable. Mmm, I love boy hugs. If you haven't had one in a while, you should get one. They're quite nice.
Jacob: So what brings you around these parts?
Bella: Well, Jessica, went on a diatribe about Top Gun last night, and now I'm here.
Jacob: ... Not sure how that makes sense, but still: good to see you.
Bella: Ditto! Oh, and I brought a bunch of crap for you to fix up.
sophie_lizzie: Do they even explain how she got these in the movie? I remember she got them from some random preteen in the book, but still...
lily_evanstar: Is that even relevant? HE PICKS THEM UP WITH THE FIRST KNUCKLE OF HIS PINKY FINGER. THAT IS WHAT IS RELEVANT HERE.
sophie_lizzie: shhh, Team Jacob Sister, shhh.
But just when Jacob's trying to give Bella his version of Blue Steel, the BROMANCERS come in and ruin EVERYTHING.
Jacob: OMG, you guys, why are you here? I've got a GIRL in the mancave! And you're not even dressed for it. Quil, look at you. You're wearing sweatpants. IT'S MONDAY.
Quil: C'mon Jakey! Monday's the day we all get together and compare the size of our manboobs!
Freddie McLair: DUDES, COULD I GET IN ON THAT? LOOK:
Jacob: Uhhhhh.... that's lovely. But no. ALL Y'ALL GET OUT, THERE'S TOO MANY DICKS ON THIS DANCE FLOOR.
So Quil & Embry, understanding that it ain't no good if there's too much wood, hightailed it out of there. LOL GET IT? BECAUSE THEY'RE WEREWOLVES? WITH - TAILS - Aww forget it. Y'ALL BITCHES CAN WALK HOME.
(OH, AND BY THE WAY, IF ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE FREDDIE SITUATION - AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN - FEEL FREE. I'VE GOT A RANT OR THREE THAT I'D JUST LOVE TO UNLEASH ABOUT IT ALL.)
So then Jacob and Bella bond over crappy broken-down motorcycles and pizza and tips on how best to shampoo their long flowing tresses, and it's all lovey-dovey etc. Somewhere in there I think Bella finds the time to write another Voiceover!E-mail to Alice.
Dear Alice,
Things are looking up for me. It's like an episode of American Choppers around here! But, without the fighting. And the fat dudes. And... anything that's on American Chopper. But I DID see Frederick McLair's non-manboobs. And that is something indeed. Seriously, he's pretty hot for a funsponge. Oh, and I might be leading Jacob on, just for kicks. Shh, don't tell.
No Love,
Bella
Charlie The Awesome: Bells, wake up.
Bella: GAGA ROMAMA WANT YOUR BAD RO-OMANCE.
Charlie The Awesome: Excuse me?
Bella: WANT YOUR UGLY, WANT YOUR DISEASE, WANT YOUR EVERYTHING AS LONG AS - wait, what?
Charlie The Awesome: First of all, Bella, "Bad Romance" was months ago. All the cool kids are singing "Let's Make A Sandwich" or "Telephone" in their sleep now.
Bella: ...
Charlie The Awesome: Secondly, that dreamcatcher doesn't do shit. These night hauntings are happening alllllll the tiiiiiiiiiime. And it's really harshing my mellow. So jus' hang loose, blood. Jacob gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Bella: ... Are you high or something?
Charlie The Awesome: What kind of question is that? OF COURSE I AM. I MEAN... HIGH ON LIFE, THAT IS. AND DON'T I LOOK A BIT LIKE TOM SELLECK WHEN I DO THIS THING WHERE I STARE AT A CORNER OF THE CEILING?
Bella: ... Good night, Pops.
Charlie The Awesome: NO SERIOUSLY. PLUS WE BOTH HAVE NASALLY VOICES WHICH DON'T REALLY MATCH OUR BODIES.
Bella: I SAID GOOD NIGHT.
- - -
Will Quil ever get to talk about his manboobs again? Will Chinless!Edward appear yet again? Will Charlie The Awesome ever get verification on his theory that he's T. Selleck's long lost little bro? Find out perhaps none of these things next time in the New Moon Picspam of Epicnessity: PART THREE.