The New Moon Picspam of Epicnessity: Part One
AND YOU GUYS THOUGHT I'D NEVER POST IT.
Warnings for this Installment Include: Bad language, a few sexual references, Cher lyrics, and craft supply herpes.
Sis: OH, MY GOD. WHAT DOES IT SAY.
Bro-in-law: NEW BUFFOON?
Sis: NEW HARPOON?
lily_evanstar : PERHAPS IT IS AN ANAGRAM OF SOME SORT.
sophie_lizzie : NEW LAGOON - OSHOOT, IT'S JUST NEW MOON.
Swirly camera action! Dude who vaguely looks like RPattz due to said swirly camera action! THE RETURN OF BELLA ELLA, AND A CLOCK CHIMING HIGH NOON. CLEARLY THIS IS OMINOUS.
So then Bella Ella Ella stumbles into Narnia a fiiiiiiiiiield! Where Henry Detamble will shortly show up naked!
Grandma Moses: Waaaaaaaaaait, what?
Bella: Grandma?
Grandma Moses: Uh, no.
Bella: ... Dorothy Zbornac?
Grandma Moses: HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY SEEN AN EPISODE OF "THE GOLDEN GIRLS," BITCH?
Bella: Well, no -
sophie_lizzie : That explains a lot.
Edward: *spazzy sparkle beep boop boop*
lily_evanstar: Looks like he forgot that glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
So then Bella's like "Greetings, lover! Now get back in the shadows you ass," but Edward's like "nay, this little light of mine, I've got to let it shiiiiiiiine," so Grandma Moses ends up getting the full glitter treatment with a side of cray-cray.
Bella: LE SIGH. Fine. Possible Golden Girl, I'd rather not like you to meet -
Grandma Moses: LE SIGH. Fine. Possible Golden Girl, I'd rather not like you to meet -
Bella: Wait, what?
Grandma Moses: Wait, what?
Bella: Are you copyin' me?
Grandma Moses: Are you copyin' me?
Bella: I don't see anyone else here...
Grandma Moses: So you must -
Bella: be copying -
Grandma Moses: Meeeeeee!
Bella: ... SAY SOMETHING ONLY I WOULD BE STUPID ENOUGH TO SAY.
Grandma Moses: WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY LOVE STORY TO ASPIRE TO.
Bella: ... HOLY SHIT.
So then Bella assumes the E.T. Phone Home Position... with her future self.
Edward: I find this all highly amusing.
Grandma Bella: YOU ARE NOT HELPING MATTERS.
Edward: Teeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeee.
Bella: Ho' shit! I'm never reading Shakespeare right before bed again, man! Must be all those strange subliminal sexual messages about Queen Mab! Seriously, what kind of dream was that! There was E.T., and something like Benjamin Button, and I'm pretty sure there was a Demetri Martin reference in there somewhere -
Charlie The Awesome: Demetri Martin? But we don't get Comedy Central. Also, Happy Birthday.
Bella: There's a lot of possibly unnecessary capitalization in that sentence. Having said that: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
Charlie The Awesome: 18 and life you got it, 18 and life to goooooooo, YOU CRIME IS TIIIIIME NOW
Bella: I KNEW I HATED THAT SONG FOR A REASON.
Charlie: Also, not to go all Jerry Seinfeld on you or anything, but... it's like, a white... discoloration... IN YOUR HAIR.
Bella: I'M LEAVING NOW.
Aaaaaand this is the part where the caps all have different coloring/questionable aspect ratio. Because I made these with my own caps/before I colored the previous ones. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE.
Bella's Human Posse: Heeeeey, Happy Birthday Bellaaaaaaaaa!
Bella: Oh. Hello, Inferior Humanoid Beings. You are not vampires, immortal or, for that matter, especially attractive, so YOU ARE SPURNED BY ME.
Jessica: Ahhhhh, so you're abandoning your own race for an intellectually and physically superior one? It's like you're Sam Worthington in that Dances With Smurfs movie, only, you know... not hot. At all.
Eric: Ooooh, buuuuuuuurn.
Mike: WHY THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE I'M FORTY-FIVE, FAT AND BALDING IN THIS PICTURE OH MY GOD
Bella's Human Posse: C'mon Bellaaaaaa! Take a picture of us! Since cameras allow you to reminisce immediately!
Bella: ... Another Demetri Martin reference. Perhaps this an omen...
Bella's Human Posse: JUST TAKE THE DAMN PICTURE.
Bella: FINE.
Bella: Ah-HA! See you, inferior humanoids! MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN TROOOOUBLE.
Eric: HEY NOOOOW, HEY NOOOOW, MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK!
Mike: ...
Eric: ... It's a catchy song.
Mike: Riiiight... Anyway, Cullen. Aren't you a bit tardy for the party, loser?
Edward: ♫BOW IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS... UMM, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NEXT LINE... WHERE WAS I? OH RIGHT: YOU SHOULD BE HONORED BY MY LATENESS, THAT I WOULD EVEN SHOW UP TO THIS FAKE SHIT, SO GO AHEAD, GO NUTS, GO APE SHIT, SPECIALLY IN MY PASTEL AND MY BAPE SHIT, ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T TELL WHO MADE THIS NEW GOSPEL, HOMEY TAKE SIX, AND TAKE THIS HATERS♫
Mike: *runs away, possibly peeing his pants*
Sister: Oh look, his shirt is flowing in the breeze! THIS OBVIOUSLY SIGNIFIES DREAMINESS.
Bella: Edward, I thought we talked about Kanye West related school entrances.
Edward: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN ON YA?
Bella: Let me guess. Since Prince was on Apollonia?
Edward: OMG! You remember the lyrics?
Bella: Yes! SINCE YOU SING THEM ALL THE TIME.
Edward: Oh, and Happy 18th!
Bella: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
Edward: Bella, my delightful soy cinnamon dulche of effervescence. Age is just a number. In my case, a very big number.
Bella: You're right about that. This whole relationship has a whiff of Lolita syndrome about it.
sophie_lizzie : Yes. Yes it does. RUN BELLA RUN, RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN -
Bella: Darling, did you hear something? Sounded like a girl with a man voice yelling "ruuuuuuuuuuuun..."
Edward: Why no I didn't, my cornish game hen of lust! Now let's make out like awkward middle schoolers.
Bella: My favorite pastime!
sophie_lizzie : I DO NOT HAVE A MAN VOICE. *headdesk*
Edward: *starts humming a strange mix of Jizz In My Pants and There's A Party In My Tummy, So Yummy, So Yummy*
Bella: ... oh, right.
Edward: It's okay, since it's your birthday, we'll try it again later! MAKING OUT TWICE! IN ONE DAY. A RECORD FOR US, OUI?
Bella: Riiiiiiight. How very pro-sexual-revolution of you...
Voice Off-Screen: YO EDWARD, IM'MA HAPPY FOR YOU, AND IM'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT I HAD THE BEST KANYE-WEST-REFERENCE-RELATED MOVIE ENTRANCE OF ALL TIME. ALL TIME!
Edward: ... OH GOD NO, NOT HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS FACE IN THE SECOND CAP. DON'T ASK. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I CAP THINGS MYSELF.
Jacob: OMG Bella, check it out! I HAVE ACTUAL SCREEN TIME. And my teeth are freakishly white. AND JACOB'S THE MOST POPULAR BOY'S NAME IN THE U.S. CLEARLY THIS IS RELATED TO ME. DID YOU HEAR THAT EDDIEPUSS? MOST POPULAR NAME.
Edward: ...
Bella: Well, it's nice to see you out and about, Jakey.
Jacob: SEE, EDGAR-OR-WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS? She gave me a nickname. NICKNAME.
Edward: Mmmhmm. Does she call you Firecrotch?
Jacob: ... No.
Edward: POINT MADE.
Jacob: Anywaaaaay... Happy Birthday! I made you a dreamcatcher.
lily_evanstar: Awwwww...
sophie_lizzie: *hacksnort*
lily_evanstar: YOU HEARTLESS CAD.
sophie_lizzie: I AM UNAPOLOGETIC.
Bella: Nice dreamcatcher!! What's it made of?
Edward: His mom's chest hair.
Jacob: I shall now combat your Mean Girls reference by copping a feel from your very voluntary girlfriend. HOW YOU FEEL NOW?
Edward: You want some cheese to go with the whine you're making from those sour grapes?
Jacob: WELL I WANT TO DO THIS TO YOUR FACE:
Edward: WELL I WANT TO DO THIS TO YOUR WIG:
Bella: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP.
Bella: Soooo Edward, what's new on the vampire scene?
Edward: WELL. WHERE TO BEGIN. First there was this dude who said, "Soookehhhh," and then ASkars took the ovary population by storm, at which point there was this show where this dude TOTALLY COPIED MY LOOK and his brother was Ian Somersaultenhalder or however you spell his damn name, it's anyone's guess. So then Ethan Hawke was like "LOL DAYBREAKERS WILLEM DAFOE'S THE ONLY HUMAN OR SOMETHING AND THIS IS ALL AN ALLEGORY FOR OIL DRILLING," and then -
Bella: Actually, I meant... you know... the vampire scene as in, your family... Cullens... is any of this ringing a bell...
Edward: Ohhh, right. We're fine, generally. Although Jasper's gone a bit off the deep end.
Bella: How so?
Edward: You'll see what I mean. And speaking of family, my sister's about to attack you.
Bella: Wait, what?
Alice: OMG, BELLA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, YES WE'RE GOING TO A PARTY PAAARTY -
... Wait, what? What do you mean, "Sophie, you've obviously made a mistake" - ohhhhh.
Let me fix that.
But, as you can see, it was a TOTALLY EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE, OKAY.
Alice: So it's your birthdaaaaaay! The one day a year that you get to do whatever you want, right?
Bella: Ri-
Alice: WRONG. So I'm whisking you away to Cullen HQ for a party, where we shall shower you with enough attention to make Kim Kardashian blush. SEE YOU THERE.
Jessica: OMG, heartbreak!
Angela: OMG, suicide!
Eric: OMG, MISUNDERSTANDINGS LEADING TO TRAGEDY.
Mike: OMG, I WISH I WAS WATCHING THE VERSION WITH THE PLUS SIGN IN THE TITLE, DICAPRIO WAS SO HOT - I DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT.
Edward: At least Romeo gets to kill himself.
Bella: And this particular What The Hell Is Wrong With You Edward Cullen moment is sponsored by....?
Edward: Mandatory Reflection Of This Film's Godawful Prequel, Inc. Observe, if you will:
Bella: Oh. Right. Ew. That shaky cam still gives me nightmares sometimes.
Edward: And what was Jimmy Boy even thinking with the ratty blonde ponytail?
Bella: I don't even know. He had horrible fashion sense, and this is coming from the girl who raids Mr. Rogers's closet on a regular basis.
Teacher: YOU THERE! IN THE BACK!
Edward Cullen: Yeeeeeees?
Teacher: RECITE WHAT WE JUST HEARD. AND GET THE PENTAMETER INFLECTION RIGHT, MISTER.
Edward Cullen: Could I just recite the Charlie Bartlett audition speech instead?
Teacher: Wait, what?
Edward Cullen: Okay, thanks! "I guess I should tell you about the first time I had my period. My daddy was driving me back from summer camp, and I turned to him and said, "Daddy, I think I'm sloughing!" And he said, "That's nice hunny." And I realized, that he had like, *no idea*, what sloughing meant! So I explained to him, that it meant blood was gushing from my you know where! And he nearly wrecked the car, trying to hand me a wad of fast food napkins, which is not something you'd want to particularly stick up your hooch!"
So then the teacher is too stunned and secretly delighted since Charlie Bartlett is his favorite film ever to refute Edward's monologue, so everyone carries on as if nothing happened, unaware that somewhere, somehow, Anton Yelchin is crying in a corner in shame.
Bella: LOL, wow. You blow up Interview With A Vampire set pics and frame them?
Edward: Actually, no. That's my foster daddy-o in the background.
Bella: WHAAAAAAT
Edward: I know, I know.
Dude Who Portrays Random-Ass Suicidal Vampire: I knew I shouldn't have done this. This is not going to look good on my resume. I can just see it going down now: "It says here you were in The Twilight Saga: New Moon? Could you elaborate?" "Ah, yes. It was a pivotal role. Do you remember the vampire who had a meeting with Michael Sheen?" "YOU MEAN THE DUDE WHO WANTED HIS HEAD TORN OFF?" "Well, yes-" "LOL NEXT."
I just realized that this set of caps - minus the HOLY FLUORESCENT YELLOW VICTORIA PIC, BATMAN one - makes it totally look like RPattz is jealous of KStew's insanely manicured eyebrows and plans to murder her because they make his look so bad and he lusts after them. I MEAN, COME ON. IT'D BE BRILLIANT. I WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE.
SEE? He's obviously plotting it in his mind right now. OBVIOUSLY. I'm already writing my Oscar for Best Original Screenplay speech. It will be called Brows Before Hoes, and it will be coming to your screens in Fall 2011. PRE-ORDER TICKETS NOW.
Esme: LET'S KEEP A COLLECTIVE SILENCE ABOUT THE FACT THAT OUR HAIR HAS CHANGED LENGTHS AND STYLES DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE CAN'T GROW IT ANYMORE.
Emmett: Sooooo you like cougars, Eddieboy?
Edward: CEASE AND DESIST.
So then they tell Bella all the things that they got her before she opens them (WHICH IS BIRTHDAY BLASPHEMY, IN MY OPINION), but then they're cut off by - you guessed it! - Sizzle Blood.
Jasper: Hello, my name is Jasper Hale, and tonight I will be auditioning for the role of Bruce the Shark in Finding Nemo. OOOOH, THAT BLOOD SMELLS GOOD. I'M HAVING FISH TONIGHT. AND BY "FISH," I MEAN "SOCIALLY AWKWARD HYPERBLINKING TEEN."
Edward, however, thinks his audition is horrible and thusly throws him into the piano.
sophie_lizzie: IS THAT A STEINWAY? I WILL KILL HIM IF HE DESTROYED A STEINWAY. OR - HEAVEN FORBID - A BOSENDORFER.
lily_evanstar: Actually, I think it's a Boston or a Kawai.
sophie_lizzie: Oh. Carry on, then.
Aaaaaaaand the Awkward Penguin just had figurative babies.
Carlisle: Wow, really? I'M THE ONLY ONE TAKING CARE OF THE HUMAN. OKAY, FINE, I GET IT. GET ALL SPAZZY OVER A PAPER CUT AND LEAVE CARLISLE TO DO THE DIRTY WORK. THAT'S IT, THE DISNEYLAND TRIP IS OFF.
So then Bella and Carlisle get a little touchy-feely. You are a lying lying liar if you say that you did not notice this. LYING LIAR, I TELL YOU.
Bella: So Edward's been acting weepy a lot lately.
Carlisle: Shhhh, it's just been raining on his face.
Bella: BITCH PLZ.
Carlisle: Okay, fine. Allow me to explain via Cher lyrics. Bella, do you belieeeeeeeve in liiiiiife after loooooove?
Bella: ... Sure.
Carlisle: Well, Edward doesn't. He can feeeeeel somethiiiiiiing inside him say, he really don't think he's stroooong enoooough, nooooo. Complete with horrendous AutoTuning.
Bella: Well, if we must use this method of communication: but I knooooooow he caaaaan get through thiiiiis, because I knooooooow that he is stroooooong.
Carlisle: But what if he doesn't neeeeeed you anymoooooooooore?
Bella: Neeeeeed me anymoooooooooore?
Carlisle: Yes. What if he doesn't neeeeeed you anymoooooooooore?
Bella: Neeeeeed me anymoooooooooore? ... What's the next line?
Carlisle: THAT'S THE END OF THE SONG.
Bella: ... OH SHIT.
Carlisle: PRECISELY.
Teacup: Allow me to contribute! BUUUUUURN BABY BURN.
Bella: SHUT UP TEACUP.
Teacup: *begins humming "Bad Romance" just to spite her*
---
Yes, I didn't think I'd end this installment with a cynical singing teacup, but there you are. Expect plenty of awkward blinking, bizarre pop culture references, and pasty white skin in Brows Before Hoes The New Moon Picspam of Epicnessity: Part Two.
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Warnings for this Installment Include: Bad language, a few sexual references, Cher lyrics, and craft supply herpes.
Sis: OH, MY GOD. WHAT DOES IT SAY.
Bro-in-law: NEW BUFFOON?
Sis: NEW HARPOON?
lily_evanstar : PERHAPS IT IS AN ANAGRAM OF SOME SORT.
sophie_lizzie : NEW LAGOON - OSHOOT, IT'S JUST NEW MOON.
Swirly camera action! Dude who vaguely looks like RPattz due to said swirly camera action! THE RETURN OF BELLA ELLA, AND A CLOCK CHIMING HIGH NOON. CLEARLY THIS IS OMINOUS.
So then Bella Ella Ella stumbles into Narnia a fiiiiiiiiiield! Where Henry Detamble will shortly show up naked!
Grandma Moses: Waaaaaaaaaait, what?
Bella: Grandma?
Grandma Moses: Uh, no.
Bella: ... Dorothy Zbornac?
Grandma Moses: HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY SEEN AN EPISODE OF "THE GOLDEN GIRLS," BITCH?
Bella: Well, no -
sophie_lizzie : That explains a lot.
Edward: *spazzy sparkle beep boop boop*
lily_evanstar: Looks like he forgot that glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
So then Bella's like "Greetings, lover! Now get back in the shadows you ass," but Edward's like "nay, this little light of mine, I've got to let it shiiiiiiiine," so Grandma Moses ends up getting the full glitter treatment with a side of cray-cray.
Bella: LE SIGH. Fine. Possible Golden Girl, I'd rather not like you to meet -
Grandma Moses: LE SIGH. Fine. Possible Golden Girl, I'd rather not like you to meet -
Bella: Wait, what?
Grandma Moses: Wait, what?
Bella: Are you copyin' me?
Grandma Moses: Are you copyin' me?
Bella: I don't see anyone else here...
Grandma Moses: So you must -
Bella: be copying -
Grandma Moses: Meeeeeee!
Bella: ... SAY SOMETHING ONLY I WOULD BE STUPID ENOUGH TO SAY.
Grandma Moses: WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY LOVE STORY TO ASPIRE TO.
Bella: ... HOLY SHIT.
So then Bella assumes the E.T. Phone Home Position... with her future self.
Edward: I find this all highly amusing.
Grandma Bella: YOU ARE NOT HELPING MATTERS.
Edward: Teeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeee.
Bella: Ho' shit! I'm never reading Shakespeare right before bed again, man! Must be all those strange subliminal sexual messages about Queen Mab! Seriously, what kind of dream was that! There was E.T., and something like Benjamin Button, and I'm pretty sure there was a Demetri Martin reference in there somewhere -
Charlie The Awesome: Demetri Martin? But we don't get Comedy Central. Also, Happy Birthday.
Bella: There's a lot of possibly unnecessary capitalization in that sentence. Having said that: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
Charlie The Awesome: 18 and life you got it, 18 and life to goooooooo, YOU CRIME IS TIIIIIME NOW
Bella: I KNEW I HATED THAT SONG FOR A REASON.
Charlie: Also, not to go all Jerry Seinfeld on you or anything, but... it's like, a white... discoloration... IN YOUR HAIR.
Bella: I'M LEAVING NOW.
Aaaaaand this is the part where the caps all have different coloring/questionable aspect ratio. Because I made these with my own caps/before I colored the previous ones. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE.
Bella's Human Posse: Heeeeey, Happy Birthday Bellaaaaaaaaa!
Bella: Oh. Hello, Inferior Humanoid Beings. You are not vampires, immortal or, for that matter, especially attractive, so YOU ARE SPURNED BY ME.
Jessica: Ahhhhh, so you're abandoning your own race for an intellectually and physically superior one? It's like you're Sam Worthington in that Dances With Smurfs movie, only, you know... not hot. At all.
Eric: Ooooh, buuuuuuuurn.
Mike: WHY THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE I'M FORTY-FIVE, FAT AND BALDING IN THIS PICTURE OH MY GOD
Bella's Human Posse: C'mon Bellaaaaaa! Take a picture of us! Since cameras allow you to reminisce immediately!
Bella: ... Another Demetri Martin reference. Perhaps this an omen...
Bella's Human Posse: JUST TAKE THE DAMN PICTURE.
Bella: FINE.
Bella: Ah-HA! See you, inferior humanoids! MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN TROOOOUBLE.
Eric: HEY NOOOOW, HEY NOOOOW, MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK!
Mike: ...
Eric: ... It's a catchy song.
Mike: Riiiight... Anyway, Cullen. Aren't you a bit tardy for the party, loser?
Edward: ♫BOW IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS... UMM, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NEXT LINE... WHERE WAS I? OH RIGHT: YOU SHOULD BE HONORED BY MY LATENESS, THAT I WOULD EVEN SHOW UP TO THIS FAKE SHIT, SO GO AHEAD, GO NUTS, GO APE SHIT, SPECIALLY IN MY PASTEL AND MY BAPE SHIT, ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T TELL WHO MADE THIS NEW GOSPEL, HOMEY TAKE SIX, AND TAKE THIS HATERS♫
Mike: *runs away, possibly peeing his pants*
Sister: Oh look, his shirt is flowing in the breeze! THIS OBVIOUSLY SIGNIFIES DREAMINESS.
Bella: Edward, I thought we talked about Kanye West related school entrances.
Edward: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN ON YA?
Bella: Let me guess. Since Prince was on Apollonia?
Edward: OMG! You remember the lyrics?
Bella: Yes! SINCE YOU SING THEM ALL THE TIME.
Edward: Oh, and Happy 18th!
Bella: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
Edward: Bella, my delightful soy cinnamon dulche of effervescence. Age is just a number. In my case, a very big number.
Bella: You're right about that. This whole relationship has a whiff of Lolita syndrome about it.
sophie_lizzie : Yes. Yes it does. RUN BELLA RUN, RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN -
Bella: Darling, did you hear something? Sounded like a girl with a man voice yelling "ruuuuuuuuuuuun..."
Edward: Why no I didn't, my cornish game hen of lust! Now let's make out like awkward middle schoolers.
Bella: My favorite pastime!
sophie_lizzie : I DO NOT HAVE A MAN VOICE. *headdesk*
Edward: *starts humming a strange mix of Jizz In My Pants and There's A Party In My Tummy, So Yummy, So Yummy*
Bella: ... oh, right.
Edward: It's okay, since it's your birthday, we'll try it again later! MAKING OUT TWICE! IN ONE DAY. A RECORD FOR US, OUI?
Bella: Riiiiiiight. How very pro-sexual-revolution of you...
Voice Off-Screen: YO EDWARD, IM'MA HAPPY FOR YOU, AND IM'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT I HAD THE BEST KANYE-WEST-REFERENCE-RELATED MOVIE ENTRANCE OF ALL TIME. ALL TIME!
Edward: ... OH GOD NO, NOT HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS FACE IN THE SECOND CAP. DON'T ASK. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I CAP THINGS MYSELF.
Jacob: OMG Bella, check it out! I HAVE ACTUAL SCREEN TIME. And my teeth are freakishly white. AND JACOB'S THE MOST POPULAR BOY'S NAME IN THE U.S. CLEARLY THIS IS RELATED TO ME. DID YOU HEAR THAT EDDIEPUSS? MOST POPULAR NAME.
Edward: ...
Bella: Well, it's nice to see you out and about, Jakey.
Jacob: SEE, EDGAR-OR-WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS? She gave me a nickname. NICKNAME.
Edward: Mmmhmm. Does she call you Firecrotch?
Jacob: ... No.
Edward: POINT MADE.
Jacob: Anywaaaaay... Happy Birthday! I made you a dreamcatcher.
lily_evanstar: Awwwww...
sophie_lizzie: *hacksnort*
lily_evanstar: YOU HEARTLESS CAD.
sophie_lizzie: I AM UNAPOLOGETIC.
Bella: Nice dreamcatcher!! What's it made of?
Edward: His mom's chest hair.
Jacob: I shall now combat your Mean Girls reference by copping a feel from your very voluntary girlfriend. HOW YOU FEEL NOW?
Edward: You want some cheese to go with the whine you're making from those sour grapes?
Jacob: WELL I WANT TO DO THIS TO YOUR FACE:
Edward: WELL I WANT TO DO THIS TO YOUR WIG:
Bella: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP.
Bella: Soooo Edward, what's new on the vampire scene?
Edward: WELL. WHERE TO BEGIN. First there was this dude who said, "Soookehhhh," and then ASkars took the ovary population by storm, at which point there was this show where this dude TOTALLY COPIED MY LOOK and his brother was Ian Somersaultenhalder or however you spell his damn name, it's anyone's guess. So then Ethan Hawke was like "LOL DAYBREAKERS WILLEM DAFOE'S THE ONLY HUMAN OR SOMETHING AND THIS IS ALL AN ALLEGORY FOR OIL DRILLING," and then -
Bella: Actually, I meant... you know... the vampire scene as in, your family... Cullens... is any of this ringing a bell...
Edward: Ohhh, right. We're fine, generally. Although Jasper's gone a bit off the deep end.
Bella: How so?
Edward: You'll see what I mean. And speaking of family, my sister's about to attack you.
Bella: Wait, what?
Alice: OMG, BELLA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, YES WE'RE GOING TO A PARTY PAAARTY -
... Wait, what? What do you mean, "Sophie, you've obviously made a mistake" - ohhhhh.
Let me fix that.
But, as you can see, it was a TOTALLY EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE, OKAY.
Alice: So it's your birthdaaaaaay! The one day a year that you get to do whatever you want, right?
Bella: Ri-
Alice: WRONG. So I'm whisking you away to Cullen HQ for a party, where we shall shower you with enough attention to make Kim Kardashian blush. SEE YOU THERE.
Jessica: OMG, heartbreak!
Angela: OMG, suicide!
Eric: OMG, MISUNDERSTANDINGS LEADING TO TRAGEDY.
Mike: OMG, I WISH I WAS WATCHING THE VERSION WITH THE PLUS SIGN IN THE TITLE, DICAPRIO WAS SO HOT - I DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT.
Edward: At least Romeo gets to kill himself.
Bella: And this particular What The Hell Is Wrong With You Edward Cullen moment is sponsored by....?
Edward: Mandatory Reflection Of This Film's Godawful Prequel, Inc. Observe, if you will:
Bella: Oh. Right. Ew. That shaky cam still gives me nightmares sometimes.
Edward: And what was Jimmy Boy even thinking with the ratty blonde ponytail?
Bella: I don't even know. He had horrible fashion sense, and this is coming from the girl who raids Mr. Rogers's closet on a regular basis.
Teacher: YOU THERE! IN THE BACK!
Edward Cullen: Yeeeeeees?
Teacher: RECITE WHAT WE JUST HEARD. AND GET THE PENTAMETER INFLECTION RIGHT, MISTER.
Edward Cullen: Could I just recite the Charlie Bartlett audition speech instead?
Teacher: Wait, what?
Edward Cullen: Okay, thanks! "I guess I should tell you about the first time I had my period. My daddy was driving me back from summer camp, and I turned to him and said, "Daddy, I think I'm sloughing!" And he said, "That's nice hunny." And I realized, that he had like, *no idea*, what sloughing meant! So I explained to him, that it meant blood was gushing from my you know where! And he nearly wrecked the car, trying to hand me a wad of fast food napkins, which is not something you'd want to particularly stick up your hooch!"
So then the teacher is too stunned and secretly delighted since Charlie Bartlett is his favorite film ever to refute Edward's monologue, so everyone carries on as if nothing happened, unaware that somewhere, somehow, Anton Yelchin is crying in a corner in shame.
Bella: LOL, wow. You blow up Interview With A Vampire set pics and frame them?
Edward: Actually, no. That's my foster daddy-o in the background.
Bella: WHAAAAAAT
Edward: I know, I know.
Dude Who Portrays Random-Ass Suicidal Vampire: I knew I shouldn't have done this. This is not going to look good on my resume. I can just see it going down now: "It says here you were in The Twilight Saga: New Moon? Could you elaborate?" "Ah, yes. It was a pivotal role. Do you remember the vampire who had a meeting with Michael Sheen?" "YOU MEAN THE DUDE WHO WANTED HIS HEAD TORN OFF?" "Well, yes-" "LOL NEXT."
I just realized that this set of caps - minus the HOLY FLUORESCENT YELLOW VICTORIA PIC, BATMAN one - makes it totally look like RPattz is jealous of KStew's insanely manicured eyebrows and plans to murder her because they make his look so bad and he lusts after them. I MEAN, COME ON. IT'D BE BRILLIANT. I WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE.
SEE? He's obviously plotting it in his mind right now. OBVIOUSLY. I'm already writing my Oscar for Best Original Screenplay speech. It will be called Brows Before Hoes, and it will be coming to your screens in Fall 2011. PRE-ORDER TICKETS NOW.
Esme: LET'S KEEP A COLLECTIVE SILENCE ABOUT THE FACT THAT OUR HAIR HAS CHANGED LENGTHS AND STYLES DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE CAN'T GROW IT ANYMORE.
Emmett: Sooooo you like cougars, Eddieboy?
Edward: CEASE AND DESIST.
So then they tell Bella all the things that they got her before she opens them (WHICH IS BIRTHDAY BLASPHEMY, IN MY OPINION), but then they're cut off by - you guessed it! - Sizzle Blood.
Jasper: Hello, my name is Jasper Hale, and tonight I will be auditioning for the role of Bruce the Shark in Finding Nemo. OOOOH, THAT BLOOD SMELLS GOOD. I'M HAVING FISH TONIGHT. AND BY "FISH," I MEAN "SOCIALLY AWKWARD HYPERBLINKING TEEN."
Edward, however, thinks his audition is horrible and thusly throws him into the piano.
sophie_lizzie: IS THAT A STEINWAY? I WILL KILL HIM IF HE DESTROYED A STEINWAY. OR - HEAVEN FORBID - A BOSENDORFER.
lily_evanstar: Actually, I think it's a Boston or a Kawai.
sophie_lizzie: Oh. Carry on, then.
Aaaaaaaand the Awkward Penguin just had figurative babies.
Carlisle: Wow, really? I'M THE ONLY ONE TAKING CARE OF THE HUMAN. OKAY, FINE, I GET IT. GET ALL SPAZZY OVER A PAPER CUT AND LEAVE CARLISLE TO DO THE DIRTY WORK. THAT'S IT, THE DISNEYLAND TRIP IS OFF.
So then Bella and Carlisle get a little touchy-feely. You are a lying lying liar if you say that you did not notice this. LYING LIAR, I TELL YOU.
Bella: So Edward's been acting weepy a lot lately.
Carlisle: Shhhh, it's just been raining on his face.
Bella: BITCH PLZ.
Carlisle: Okay, fine. Allow me to explain via Cher lyrics. Bella, do you belieeeeeeeve in liiiiiife after loooooove?
Bella: ... Sure.
Carlisle: Well, Edward doesn't. He can feeeeeel somethiiiiiiing inside him say, he really don't think he's stroooong enoooough, nooooo. Complete with horrendous AutoTuning.
Bella: Well, if we must use this method of communication: but I knooooooow he caaaaan get through thiiiiis, because I knooooooow that he is stroooooong.
Carlisle: But what if he doesn't neeeeeed you anymoooooooooore?
Bella: Neeeeeed me anymoooooooooore?
Carlisle: Yes. What if he doesn't neeeeeed you anymoooooooooore?
Bella: Neeeeeed me anymoooooooooore? ... What's the next line?
Carlisle: THAT'S THE END OF THE SONG.
Bella: ... OH SHIT.
Carlisle: PRECISELY.
Teacup: Allow me to contribute! BUUUUUURN BABY BURN.
Bella: SHUT UP TEACUP.
Teacup: *begins humming "Bad Romance" just to spite her*
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Yes, I didn't think I'd end this installment with a cynical singing teacup, but there you are. Expect plenty of awkward blinking, bizarre pop culture references, and pasty white skin in Brows Before Hoes The New Moon Picspam of Epicnessity: Part Two.
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