I'm Getting to Know Me
I remember having a conversation with someone I worked with when I was 23 or so and she was advising me not to get married until I’m at least 30 because that’s when you finally know yourself. Although I agreed about not getting married until later on in life, I didn’t agree about not knowing myself until I’m 30. I thought i knew myself pretty damn well at that point. Oh, the arrogance of youth. Granted, I was in a pretty good place in life at 23 and was told that I was quite mature for my age even then. At 23, I thought I was the shit. I really did. I thought, “yup, this is what the rest of my life is pretty much going to be like. Not much will change at this point. This is the apex of my life.” Wrong.
To give myself some credit, at 23 I had already accomplished a lot. At that point, I had gotten a promotion and raise, two awards, purchased my first property, and thought I had found the guy I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah…no.
23 was a significant age for me because it was that year I discovered I didn’t know anything at all. That the only thing I am certain of is that there are a lot of things I'm uncertain of. That I have a long ass way to go before I really “know” myself and that I have only just begun to discover who I really am. That I have no idea what I really want in life and therefore have no idea what it’s going to be like. That the guy I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with is someone I haven’t met yet. That life is exciting and there is just so much more to learn so there is no reason for me settle just yet, if ever.
Ever since then I have been pleasantly getting to know myself and for the most part it isn’t much of a surprise, more like a, “whew! Finally, I don’t have to pretend otherwise.” It’s almost like a part of me already knew I was that way, but was previously suppressing it for one reason or another.
Sometimes though, I finally admit things to myself that are glaringly obvious and when I tell my friends, they’re all, “…seriously, dude?” Here are the biggest things:
*In 2011, I was finally able to admit that I have a type A personality. Before then I thought I was the “spontaneous” type. I have no idea where I got that idea from.
*In 2012, I was finally able to admit that I am not a chill, laidback person. I am way too intense for that. I also finally realized that as much as I think I can control how people perceive my emotions, I really can’t. I may be able to control my potty mouth, but I cannot control my potty face. My emotions are on display for everyone to see, particularly when I am annoyed.
*In 2013, I was finally able to admit that I have an obsessive personality. Before then I insisted I was the more balanced type. I do prefer balance to extremes, but I definitely have that obsessive streak.
I don’t know why I thought I was the spontaneous, chill, laidback, super balanced person. I never thought there was anything wrong with being the opposite of those things, but somehow I thought I was. So weird.
I wonder sometimes when (or if) this big learning curve stops and if it will all make sense one day. Then I go off day dreaming about things and people I have no business thinking about and I have to tell myself to stop worrying so much about the future and try as much as possible to just enjoy today. What can I say? One thing I’ve always known about myself is how much I tend to go to future lala land. Future lala land - I can’t wait to see what you’re like in reality and not just in my head.
To give myself some credit, at 23 I had already accomplished a lot. At that point, I had gotten a promotion and raise, two awards, purchased my first property, and thought I had found the guy I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah…no.
23 was a significant age for me because it was that year I discovered I didn’t know anything at all. That the only thing I am certain of is that there are a lot of things I'm uncertain of. That I have a long ass way to go before I really “know” myself and that I have only just begun to discover who I really am. That I have no idea what I really want in life and therefore have no idea what it’s going to be like. That the guy I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with is someone I haven’t met yet. That life is exciting and there is just so much more to learn so there is no reason for me settle just yet, if ever.
Ever since then I have been pleasantly getting to know myself and for the most part it isn’t much of a surprise, more like a, “whew! Finally, I don’t have to pretend otherwise.” It’s almost like a part of me already knew I was that way, but was previously suppressing it for one reason or another.
Sometimes though, I finally admit things to myself that are glaringly obvious and when I tell my friends, they’re all, “…seriously, dude?” Here are the biggest things:
*In 2011, I was finally able to admit that I have a type A personality. Before then I thought I was the “spontaneous” type. I have no idea where I got that idea from.
*In 2012, I was finally able to admit that I am not a chill, laidback person. I am way too intense for that. I also finally realized that as much as I think I can control how people perceive my emotions, I really can’t. I may be able to control my potty mouth, but I cannot control my potty face. My emotions are on display for everyone to see, particularly when I am annoyed.
*In 2013, I was finally able to admit that I have an obsessive personality. Before then I insisted I was the more balanced type. I do prefer balance to extremes, but I definitely have that obsessive streak.
I don’t know why I thought I was the spontaneous, chill, laidback, super balanced person. I never thought there was anything wrong with being the opposite of those things, but somehow I thought I was. So weird.
I wonder sometimes when (or if) this big learning curve stops and if it will all make sense one day. Then I go off day dreaming about things and people I have no business thinking about and I have to tell myself to stop worrying so much about the future and try as much as possible to just enjoy today. What can I say? One thing I’ve always known about myself is how much I tend to go to future lala land. Future lala land - I can’t wait to see what you’re like in reality and not just in my head.