(no subject)
:chills form down my spine, tears begin to well:: I've come to a point where I believe I either think too much or not enough, both are prevalent to my life at the moment. Have you ever been afraid of never finding true love, or messing up once you've found it. Sometimes I wish I had more wisdom and I knew what my decisions would do to me and my future. It is so hard to see what it is you are doing before it is already done. I want no more heart ache, why is it so hard to just be happy? I try to escape sometimes to freedom, freedom in which their is no drama to be dealt or hypocrisy to be heard. I have this horrible feeling in my stomach that tells me it's only going to be harder from here. I wish I knew I was beautiful and I did not need someone else to tell me for me to beleive. It is hard to look into a mirror and think that there is no hope for you. We all want to be accepted by our peers but I am so tired of high school antics and our societal sterotypes. Have you ever just looked for a way out? Made out with someone just to be happy and to have the rush of falling in love? It is hard to see things work in theory but their ideals turn out not to be fruitful in the end? It is hard to compete in beauty, have you ever liked someone who liked the most beautiful girl in school and you know you just can not compete with that? Especially cause she's not only beautiful but sweet and smart. It's heart breaking and so hard to have the will which says it does not matter because I know for damn sure its hard to put up with ridicule. I try to be an individual and not care what they think but I'll be damned if they cant still find a way to bring me down. I wore a low cut shirt the other day and let me tell you I have not gotten so many complements all year, why? Not because it was cute but because I for once almost looked like everyone else. Some days I care enough to look like them to see what reaction I might get, and it is sadly always the same. I get more smiles, more conversations, and it makes me fucking sick. Why can I not be loved for who I am? For once can someone see behind my individuality and see that its not that at all, it's not that I want to be different not that i want to stand out and say i am not one of you, i want to be me. When i was a freshmen i was popular and i was so happy because i felt like i had the world at my fingertips... i was everyones seregate little sister, they wanted to all show me the world, now it is all so different, i am alone in a world filled with lies and hypocrisy that i have to face every morning when i look at myself in the mirror. I wonder why once i contemplated suicide, now i see how easy it would be to escape from this all, not that i would, dont misinterprate that, but i can actaully see why some people would choose that way out. I having the acclaim I do in my school, still feel like shit every day when i come home. Why? I can't explain, maybe I want more then this trite bullshit and I think for once i really do deserve to leave all of them behind, every last one of them... For every time they told me what i was wearing was wrong, that oh you look "comfy" today, or man i can tell she doesnt care, it hurts and i am tired of it. I want a home to go to not another piece of disgusting society. I wish my life wasnt a fucking satire that i am too weak to change on my own, instead i sit and watch it as it slowly disapates in front of my eyes...tomorrow though is another day, and yeah it might not be the best but i am glad i am here, i just wish someone was still around like cela who truly understood me.