(no subject)
My priorities are obviously more than a little skewed since I'm more worried that I'm going to be remembered as a gloomy bitch instead of focusing on what really matters - that i'll have a degree. I realize that was an incredibly long, poorly-constructed sentence, but oh well. I wish I were better at handling stress and pressure. It's bogged me down lately. It's really been owning me. I wish I could at least pretend to be confident in myself and my abilities when it comes to school so that I could at least be pleasant to be around when i'm not working on hw or in class. Instead it's always hanging over my head and I do a horrible job of putting it out of my mind and focusing on other people. I've just felt so numb lately, so blank, bland, boring, closed up, dull. I know that in 5 weeks, none of this will matter, but I don't like feeling like I'm a dark cloud for other people. I want to enjoy people's company and have them enjoy mine. I shouldn't worry so much about everything, but I can't help it. I care about other people, and I wish I could convey that. I hate that there are so many people here who I've been around for 4 years, yet I barely know them. I just want to stop beating myself up about it. I'm hoping once I'm done with school and all of this pressure and constant reasons for the reinforcement of self-doubt is behind me, I'll feel like myself again. Hopefully I'll be able to come back and show people that I'm not a completely socially inept, scared, insecure loser, that I don't just wallow in self-pity and think only of myself. I love people. I love life.
Ugh...I must be PMSing.
Ugh...I must be PMSing.