is hate really negative, is love really positive?
i think i have been reflecting on myself rather on other things more and more lately and it makes me feel rather strange, sometimes. it kind of scares me that i could forget some things, some people, so easily. when tania talks of all the classmates we had in school i don't even remember their names. it feels like not only am i a different person; i have so completely shed away that sixteen-year-old that she is not a part of me anymore, not even her memories are a part of me anymore. the only things that remain are the music (sleater-kinney, tori amos, the murmurs) and the books (francesca lia block, poppy z. brite...)
i think i have always been me, except that i wasn't really allowed to be myself in high school. (or at least i felt like i wasn't allowed to be myself) but some things that i was then must have been real. like the fact that i used to believe in things. like the fact that i used to trust people at least a little. and i did not even remember this until someone told me. when exactly did i come to a point when i question every single nice thing that have ever been said to me, that i dissect every single conversation, that i just think "it figures" when someone bails out on me? when did i become this person who takes only what she gets, but never asks for or expects anything real from anyone? i just don't think that people do anything without an ulterior motive (that is most likely selfish).
i think i used to think that my soul could climb tree-trunks and swing from every branch, and now i realize that everything i know is fake (just like school) and all i need to do is to find out the rules and how to go around things (just like school). i figured out how to get around school without studying or sucking up or tuition classes, and now i'll have to survive this life without a stupid degree (well, i'd have one since i AM in school, but i doubt it'd be useful to me), or all the other things i've been conditioned to think that i need. because it's all so fucking fake and stupid.
and i still wonder how did i get this way.
i think i have always been me, except that i wasn't really allowed to be myself in high school. (or at least i felt like i wasn't allowed to be myself) but some things that i was then must have been real. like the fact that i used to believe in things. like the fact that i used to trust people at least a little. and i did not even remember this until someone told me. when exactly did i come to a point when i question every single nice thing that have ever been said to me, that i dissect every single conversation, that i just think "it figures" when someone bails out on me? when did i become this person who takes only what she gets, but never asks for or expects anything real from anyone? i just don't think that people do anything without an ulterior motive (that is most likely selfish).
i think i used to think that my soul could climb tree-trunks and swing from every branch, and now i realize that everything i know is fake (just like school) and all i need to do is to find out the rules and how to go around things (just like school). i figured out how to get around school without studying or sucking up or tuition classes, and now i'll have to survive this life without a stupid degree (well, i'd have one since i AM in school, but i doubt it'd be useful to me), or all the other things i've been conditioned to think that i need. because it's all so fucking fake and stupid.
and i still wonder how did i get this way.