some nights i want to be dancing on the moon
every night i haunt the house, sleepless, living almost another life. this is the real me, i think sometimes. this bakemono all alone in the dark with a dozen stories and a dozen reasons to die or live forever.
why does the thought of infinity fascinates me so? i don't know. but when i am in the dark like this sometimes i wonder if this is really happening, if i really exist, because i know i think nothing is real. i feel the calmest when i am alone and it is too dark for me to see even the fingers in front of me, or maybe when i am watching another sunrise by myself the morning delicious with no one to eat it with but it's okay with me because i feel like it is easier to exist if i am a ghost. when i was a child i always wondered if i saw or heard the same things as everyone else. now i am not even sure if anything i have ever seen or heard was real at all. this doesn't really bother me. i am content being a ghost, when i lie awake at night waiting for dawn to come i am more myself than at any other time. hundreds of people, none of them 'real.'
but sometimes i feel like i want to be alive, even for a moment. sometimes i feel like i want to be needed, to be reassured of my existence. it doesn't matter if i am not really real as long as someone makes me feel real, makes me want to be real. do you understand?
why does the thought of infinity fascinates me so? i don't know. but when i am in the dark like this sometimes i wonder if this is really happening, if i really exist, because i know i think nothing is real. i feel the calmest when i am alone and it is too dark for me to see even the fingers in front of me, or maybe when i am watching another sunrise by myself the morning delicious with no one to eat it with but it's okay with me because i feel like it is easier to exist if i am a ghost. when i was a child i always wondered if i saw or heard the same things as everyone else. now i am not even sure if anything i have ever seen or heard was real at all. this doesn't really bother me. i am content being a ghost, when i lie awake at night waiting for dawn to come i am more myself than at any other time. hundreds of people, none of them 'real.'
but sometimes i feel like i want to be alive, even for a moment. sometimes i feel like i want to be needed, to be reassured of my existence. it doesn't matter if i am not really real as long as someone makes me feel real, makes me want to be real. do you understand?