#322: 10 days
and maybe i don't know where i stand. i think i'm spiralling into something called fear and nothingness. help please? i'm losing touch of myself, i'm losing touch of my friends, i'm losing touch... of God.
because all i've been doing so far for the past 1935084 minutes is worry, worry, worry.
I'm worrying about accomodation, about the safety in Camden Town and Max Rayne Hosue, about my hall-mates, about the girls/guys there, about whether the toilet is clean and has a seat cover (or not), whether the shower heads are workable, whether the paint is peeling, whether my neighbours are going to have late-night, drug and booze-filled parties. :S I've stopped being gung-ho about all this already. As my flight date looms nearer, fear grips me even tighter, squeezing the air out of my lungs, blood out of my brains.
I'm worrying about school. What if I fail? What if I can't get an undergrad scholarship/bursary? Will I be wasting my parent's money? Why am I this kind of girl (or why DID I turn out this way?)? Is that bad? :S
And after reading Addy's post to all her friends. It makes me look at my life, and they way I deal with things, with contempt. The best friends I've had since primary school, I only keep in touch with them via msn/email. All my other good friends (and I still love you guys), its down to msn too or Facebook. But as time passes, it gets harder and harder to meet up with friends. Either my schedule is already packed with family or work :S or everyone's overseas. Ok, one resolution I'm making is emailing people regularly (so if you'd like to be emailed, please comment/leave your email with me if you haven't already!)
I'm so lost, scared and also really tired of this emotional fight with my mum. I wish it'd all end soon.
Please God, I need you.