every step finds ground beneath my feet
there's been so much running around in my head lately; so much that it could actually qualify for a legitimate update, unlike the bull i've been updating with lately. this could end up touching upon religion though, so if you don't want to read anything of that sort, skip over and goodbye.
God has always been a difficult issue for me. growing up, He never really had much of a place in my life. sure, i always believed there was indeed a God, that He was the creator of the universe, but i never placed much faith in Him and what he could do. i would occasionally pray to my grandmother that passed away before i was born when i wanted or needed something to happen, but that was the extent of my prayers. even as i went to hebrew school and synagogue more and more, i still never believed in God. i didn't really believe in my religion. i knew what i was, and i knew the meaning behind it, but that was all. i didn't care. religion still isn't something i hold in the highest regards, but i certainly hold God in a much different light now.
since i had a talk with this certain guy back in august, i've been questioning just what i feel towards God, and if i should still not believe in Him. i mean, i lost people i loved with my heart and soul for the rest of my life, i had been betrayed by people i thought were friends, i felt i didn't really have too many people, my parents were split and i was still not in the right state of mind about it all with what had happened. i blamed Him, thinking what kind of Almighty Ruler would really do this to me? things happen in life to make you "stronger" according to so many people i know, but i never really saw how it applied to me because after all that had happened, i didn't feel any differently, and i certainly didn't feel any stronger. since i had this talk though, i didn't necessarily believe in God and that he was great, but i started taking it all more into consideration; i started going to him with prayers when i felt things were slowly slipping out of my control. it's now been almost four solid months since i had that discussion, and recent events have fully put His place in my life into play.
i've been praying and praying so much lately that certain things would happen, and that things would fall into place; that i wouldn't lose my job, that i'd be able to get to kentucky to see these guys that have put this all into perspective for me, for Him to help friends of mine that really need Him and his work in their lives to make good things happen for them because they're good people, and things have all been falling slowly into place. most of my prayers have slowly been affirmed. this whole idea of praying to God this way was a strange concept to me though, because in my religion, we pray in hebrew, not with what we would like His help for. my eyes were opened to what He could do though if you prayed this way. i still can't affirm that i fully am into my religion, but at least i now know that i have God there by my side, that praying to him for things to happen can work, and that He is Almighty. it's left me feeling good, with this warm feeling in my heart just knowing that sometimes things won't work out as well as i wanted them to, but He is right there with me where i know i can work through things. that is such a great feeling, and things have been going alright since i've welcomed him one hundred percent into my life for the first time. i can't even express how grateful i am towards this certain guy for allowing this to change me, he'll never even really know because i don't know if i can bring this up to him without losing my cool, and i can't lose my cool around him for reasons i don't understand.
this turned out really long. but in other news, lisa is coming down tuesday, and i can't wait. i've missed her so much and it'll be great having her here tuesday to friday morning. david, collin, and i are roadtripping to kentucky friday to go see kiros because i have to see them, i miss them to the point where it hurts my heart to look at our pictures because they're not close. there is a harry potter marathon on abc family all day today which is fantastic. tml/sil is coming here march 2, and i can't wait! i've missed them so much! love like this show is thursday night. i just got my butt handed to me by my philosophy final, and i'm thinking i probably got about a 60 on it which doesn't amuse me too much. 3oh3 make-up show is next monday, the 15th, and i have my job. sorry this got to be of epic length. peace.
God has always been a difficult issue for me. growing up, He never really had much of a place in my life. sure, i always believed there was indeed a God, that He was the creator of the universe, but i never placed much faith in Him and what he could do. i would occasionally pray to my grandmother that passed away before i was born when i wanted or needed something to happen, but that was the extent of my prayers. even as i went to hebrew school and synagogue more and more, i still never believed in God. i didn't really believe in my religion. i knew what i was, and i knew the meaning behind it, but that was all. i didn't care. religion still isn't something i hold in the highest regards, but i certainly hold God in a much different light now.
since i had a talk with this certain guy back in august, i've been questioning just what i feel towards God, and if i should still not believe in Him. i mean, i lost people i loved with my heart and soul for the rest of my life, i had been betrayed by people i thought were friends, i felt i didn't really have too many people, my parents were split and i was still not in the right state of mind about it all with what had happened. i blamed Him, thinking what kind of Almighty Ruler would really do this to me? things happen in life to make you "stronger" according to so many people i know, but i never really saw how it applied to me because after all that had happened, i didn't feel any differently, and i certainly didn't feel any stronger. since i had this talk though, i didn't necessarily believe in God and that he was great, but i started taking it all more into consideration; i started going to him with prayers when i felt things were slowly slipping out of my control. it's now been almost four solid months since i had that discussion, and recent events have fully put His place in my life into play.
i've been praying and praying so much lately that certain things would happen, and that things would fall into place; that i wouldn't lose my job, that i'd be able to get to kentucky to see these guys that have put this all into perspective for me, for Him to help friends of mine that really need Him and his work in their lives to make good things happen for them because they're good people, and things have all been falling slowly into place. most of my prayers have slowly been affirmed. this whole idea of praying to God this way was a strange concept to me though, because in my religion, we pray in hebrew, not with what we would like His help for. my eyes were opened to what He could do though if you prayed this way. i still can't affirm that i fully am into my religion, but at least i now know that i have God there by my side, that praying to him for things to happen can work, and that He is Almighty. it's left me feeling good, with this warm feeling in my heart just knowing that sometimes things won't work out as well as i wanted them to, but He is right there with me where i know i can work through things. that is such a great feeling, and things have been going alright since i've welcomed him one hundred percent into my life for the first time. i can't even express how grateful i am towards this certain guy for allowing this to change me, he'll never even really know because i don't know if i can bring this up to him without losing my cool, and i can't lose my cool around him for reasons i don't understand.
this turned out really long. but in other news, lisa is coming down tuesday, and i can't wait. i've missed her so much and it'll be great having her here tuesday to friday morning. david, collin, and i are roadtripping to kentucky friday to go see kiros because i have to see them, i miss them to the point where it hurts my heart to look at our pictures because they're not close. there is a harry potter marathon on abc family all day today which is fantastic. tml/sil is coming here march 2, and i can't wait! i've missed them so much! love like this show is thursday night. i just got my butt handed to me by my philosophy final, and i'm thinking i probably got about a 60 on it which doesn't amuse me too much. 3oh3 make-up show is next monday, the 15th, and i have my job. sorry this got to be of epic length. peace.