Aug 03, 2010 02:39
It's been a while.
In retrospect- I thought it only happened in movies. The scenes where a character goes off the wall nuts at a party and at first everyone chalks it up to too much drinking but then the character actually starts to develop right there in between commercial snippets and 5 minute segments. Right there before the other character's they've morphed into this crazy person. And now all eyes are on this one character --
The morning after she wakes up with a card in her pocket. For a 'good counselor I knew'. Hm.
I don't know why I'm just now remembering this. God last Halloween was horrible. That whole season actually.
I think I'm just now reflecting on this again because I think I really do need counseling? I think. Yeah. I'm an all out dignified crazy person!
I get jealous. I over react. I find it hard to calm myself down. I get depressed- REALLY depressed. I have insecurity issues. I have image problems. I have no restraint. I could hurt someone.
But how am I supposed to feel anything but subpar when I stumble upon writings of
'God her face is beautiful- and man what an ass!' type of stuff.
--no. Not about me, mind you.
And no. It wasn't while we were together. It was written while we were talking. I guess he was test driving a couple different cars.
BUT I WANT TO BE THE CAR WITH THE SMOLDERING BACK SEAT, GOD DAMNIT!
So of course. What with mom coming in here every two seconds "want to get your eyebrows tattooed? Here try this lip gloss itll plump your lips" and potential clients "ohh if only you were a couple inches taller!" and my sister joking "whoa! your thigh jiggles! Lookit your stomach!" -- No wonder I workout until my heart hurts and am weak but can't replenish my energy because I don't really feel like eating much, and sleep a certain most uncomfortable way to stretch out my spine and gain every inch I can, and scrutinize in the mirror for hours over my face-- makeup makeup makeup-- so now I get to add to the list be sure to stuff pads on my ass before squeezing into jeans?
Being plastic isn't looking half bad at the moment. The plastic girls will always have work. They won't biodegrade.
Although he did write one nice thing about me. It was the only recurring nice thing strewn among great write ups on other cars, and of course the 'cons' of me.
"She's a good girl"
"No, I'm lame now, I don't go out to the club anymore"
"Nah, she's not really into smoking or drinking that much"
So. The good thing about me? Is that I've made you lame. And I'm a good girl.
.... How ... Romantic ?????
So now I feel subpar AND that I'm holding him back from just this life of crazy parties, getting fucked up, and surprise threesomes.
I put up a little facebook status about how I feel like revoking my strong position against 'plastic' as I now have reason to consider it.
Guess who had something to say? Joseph.
Haven't heard from him in forever. His facebook's covered in pictures of his girl and him. His status is all "JS <3's AB" and "Ashlynn On The Brain" -
That used to be me.
He was always such a loyal thing. If I had to pick the only regret I've had in life, it'd be breaking up with him for James. Joseph was honestly a really good guy who was compatible with me at the time.
He made me things. Even the stupidest of jank ass storybooks about elephant shrews with screwy little drawings. Haha... and oh!
Once he sewed me this little stuffed animal out of his baby clothes. He called it Penny the Promise Penguin. :]
Not to say that I'm not happy with my current relationship. It's just nice to stroll down the lane. He was a good kid.
I guess I'm just adjusting.
To dating a GUY. Who, I must remember this part- PRE-TSA- did and said GUY things. Much to my dismay.
It's kind of hard when all the guys I've ever dated before I ranked up there in at least top 3 FIRSTS for everything. So to be demoted to the ranks of say the 40's? Takes a toll on me mentally. And mentally, I'm already not right.
I used to be such a sweet girl. I did sweet things. But I never got positive reinforcement for those things. Nay, he actually made me feel dumb- so I stopped doing them. I wish I didn't have any shame! So I could just continue to shower the people I love with love no matter how stupid a dumb hand drawn gift seems. But no. I don't make presents anymore. I don't draw. I don't paint. I don't write. I buy things. And I wallow.
I don't even plan.
Haven't planned much for this wedding. I'm starting to feel it will never happen.
He never has anything to say about it. Sometimes forgets at all that we're betrothed to be wed.
He doesn't have any input. I know weddings are girl dreams but c'mon. A guy can have at least ONE thing to say right?
Anything? Doesn't even talk to my parents or his about it.
Actually, I'm not sure I remember the last romantic "make me smile/blush" moment happened.
Yeah, I get "I love you" - obligatory. But when was the last time he took advantage of whatever was happening around us in life that day and made a witty and charming comment?
I know he has it in him, he used to be a huge fucking player, so why don't I get cute little sayings?
Why don't I get anything? Is 2 years the limit on "cute"?
Do I get a refund? A trade in? Something?
I don't want my limit to be up on "romantic" or "charming" or "witty" or even "devilishly sexy"
Where'd all that go?
Maybe if I were plastic the flame for chase would be re-ignited. And I would get flirted with. Just by him. I don't care for anyone else's charm. Maybe if I had that girl's ass, and that other girls blonde hair, and then that one chick at the club's tits? I don't even know what to do anymore.
We went to the shooting range not too long ago. I hated it.
He didn't get it.
But honestly, LJ, -- with everything I've been through -- feeling a gun in my hand again only makes me feel like putting one in my skull. The warmth and intensity of gushing blood down the side of my head (again.) oh but this time it'll be alot of blood! So warm. And I would smile even. I'd probably even think of something fun in my head like "row row row your boat, gently down the stream-- merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream" :] Yeah that'd be it.
He doesn't get it.
I just can't have a gun right now. I'm not right in the head. I hope one day I will be for him. But I'm just not. =\
But if someone here IS right in the head, I'd love some tips on how you survived sanity.