Let's Get Shitfaced
Why oh why do I have the shittiest of coping skills?
First cutting. And now I can feel myself slowly edging towards an inclination to getting shwasted.
Whenever I'm upset or pissed it's the first thing I think about. How do I get my hands on some alcohol. Can't wait.
That can't be good.
Sad truth is. I'd rather be completely gone and thinking I'm having a good time and VOMiTTING all over the damn place and not remembering my nights than having to deal with my life as it is. Feeling shitty the next day is only an excuse not to have to get up and do anything. Since when did I become so stagnant? Or fearful... I don't know. I feel assy, and I think the answer is to drink again so that I don't feel assy anymore after already being plastered the night before.
That can't be good.
Life's just got me so fucking down and out lately though. School's kicking my ass. It's the home stretch...ish. And it's still kicking my ass. Come to find I still need MORE classes before I can start my bachelors at the school I wanna transfer to. May not even happen; ugh. I don't know how I'm so bad at school this semester when I - to the untrained eye - have so much less going on. But in reality its SO MUCH MORE! With a "normal people" job all I have to do is show up when they tell me to show up and do what they tell me to do. Now it may seem easier being my own boss, getting to schedule my own off times and blah blah; but that takes so much self motivation. Which I have . But I also have all these discouraging thoughts going through my head all the time. Of course I do. It's that type of industry that feeds off of people's insecurities. I feel like I'm going nowhere. Stagnant. I feel cocky when I don't understand why this bitch or that bitch got picked for this job and I didn't. I feel arrogant and mean when I look at magazine covers and say - Why the FUCK is she on there?? and NOT ME! And you know? It's all about who you know and placement. I'm in fucking CHARLOTTE, NC!!! yeah, it's growing but SO AM I! Im not getting any younger. I NEED to be in LA. NY. FL! SOMEWHERE, jesus! I can't wait to get out of here....
I just can't stand feeling so stuck in my modeling. It's all a cycle or loop that just feeds into more negativity. Trying to keep busy with networking, but it's like. When your job.. is your SELF? or your FACE! You never feel like you can work hard ENOUGH; so I keep trying to keep going but as much as i do It's like.. dammit, if i just dont know the right people I just dont! And all these other fucking "CHARLOTTE SOCIALITES" are getting the work or acclaim that I so crave .. and DESERVE! Ugh... so then my school work gets affected, which in the end only affects me in the long run! Why can't I just pick up and move? ... sigh...
I hate this picture perfect life I've created. I wanna shatter the illusion people have of me. I wanna do something SOON. But mostly? I wanna drink. And that's just scary.
First cutting. And now I can feel myself slowly edging towards an inclination to getting shwasted.
Whenever I'm upset or pissed it's the first thing I think about. How do I get my hands on some alcohol. Can't wait.
That can't be good.
Sad truth is. I'd rather be completely gone and thinking I'm having a good time and VOMiTTING all over the damn place and not remembering my nights than having to deal with my life as it is. Feeling shitty the next day is only an excuse not to have to get up and do anything. Since when did I become so stagnant? Or fearful... I don't know. I feel assy, and I think the answer is to drink again so that I don't feel assy anymore after already being plastered the night before.
That can't be good.
Life's just got me so fucking down and out lately though. School's kicking my ass. It's the home stretch...ish. And it's still kicking my ass. Come to find I still need MORE classes before I can start my bachelors at the school I wanna transfer to. May not even happen; ugh. I don't know how I'm so bad at school this semester when I - to the untrained eye - have so much less going on. But in reality its SO MUCH MORE! With a "normal people" job all I have to do is show up when they tell me to show up and do what they tell me to do. Now it may seem easier being my own boss, getting to schedule my own off times and blah blah; but that takes so much self motivation. Which I have . But I also have all these discouraging thoughts going through my head all the time. Of course I do. It's that type of industry that feeds off of people's insecurities. I feel like I'm going nowhere. Stagnant. I feel cocky when I don't understand why this bitch or that bitch got picked for this job and I didn't. I feel arrogant and mean when I look at magazine covers and say - Why the FUCK is she on there?? and NOT ME! And you know? It's all about who you know and placement. I'm in fucking CHARLOTTE, NC!!! yeah, it's growing but SO AM I! Im not getting any younger. I NEED to be in LA. NY. FL! SOMEWHERE, jesus! I can't wait to get out of here....
I just can't stand feeling so stuck in my modeling. It's all a cycle or loop that just feeds into more negativity. Trying to keep busy with networking, but it's like. When your job.. is your SELF? or your FACE! You never feel like you can work hard ENOUGH; so I keep trying to keep going but as much as i do It's like.. dammit, if i just dont know the right people I just dont! And all these other fucking "CHARLOTTE SOCIALITES" are getting the work or acclaim that I so crave .. and DESERVE! Ugh... so then my school work gets affected, which in the end only affects me in the long run! Why can't I just pick up and move? ... sigh...
I hate this picture perfect life I've created. I wanna shatter the illusion people have of me. I wanna do something SOON. But mostly? I wanna drink. And that's just scary.