31
So......here I am alone as usual on a friday night. I am so fucking sick and tired of being alone, though it has become a product of an environment I have created. I very very seldom go out and socialize, that is my biggest problem. My home is my prison, even when I have a job I only go out long enough to see those whom I work with, I make friends and then when I get fired we begin to forget each other.
I am getting sick of looking around and seeing my peers clutching the hands of those they love, some with children,some not. I have no idea what I am suppose to be doing in this damn life I was given. My attempts to further my education and make myself a better man have failed so many times I often wonder why I should even bother trying. I once thought I would have been a great rock starr, a great guitar player and make tons of money, that fucking dream died when I was 27.
Now I tell myself that I am a writer, I have been writing poetry for almost 10 years now and I only have 310 poems to show for it. To me that is a shame and a failure in and of itself. So many before me have achieved so much with their poetry and here I sit wallowing in self doubt. Now my latest and worst idea will be unraveling soon.......I am planning to attend the Art Institute of Seattle, hoping to achieve a degree in video production or something like that.
So with all that happening I am not so surprised that I don't have a woman to be with me, to help me when I need it or talk to me. Though I don't like being helped, I am very self-sufficient and don't really need helping at all. Thanks to my mother, the queen of loneliness, I am certain that I shall walk this earth doomed to be alone forever. All of my attempts fail, and the women I interact with always, always destroy me. God decided I should be this way and I am the one who carried out the orders. I HATE BEING ALONE, I WANT IT TO END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 31 and my life has no meaning. Not married, probably never will be. No kids....so what the hell am I doing here anyway.
The road of my future is black and cold, I see no way to change that.
I am getting sick of looking around and seeing my peers clutching the hands of those they love, some with children,some not. I have no idea what I am suppose to be doing in this damn life I was given. My attempts to further my education and make myself a better man have failed so many times I often wonder why I should even bother trying. I once thought I would have been a great rock starr, a great guitar player and make tons of money, that fucking dream died when I was 27.
Now I tell myself that I am a writer, I have been writing poetry for almost 10 years now and I only have 310 poems to show for it. To me that is a shame and a failure in and of itself. So many before me have achieved so much with their poetry and here I sit wallowing in self doubt. Now my latest and worst idea will be unraveling soon.......I am planning to attend the Art Institute of Seattle, hoping to achieve a degree in video production or something like that.
So with all that happening I am not so surprised that I don't have a woman to be with me, to help me when I need it or talk to me. Though I don't like being helped, I am very self-sufficient and don't really need helping at all. Thanks to my mother, the queen of loneliness, I am certain that I shall walk this earth doomed to be alone forever. All of my attempts fail, and the women I interact with always, always destroy me. God decided I should be this way and I am the one who carried out the orders. I HATE BEING ALONE, I WANT IT TO END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 31 and my life has no meaning. Not married, probably never will be. No kids....so what the hell am I doing here anyway.
The road of my future is black and cold, I see no way to change that.